Thank you guys, both of you have been so kind and helpful. I really appreciate your words and the input. Marty, your blog is a wonderful resource! I am so grateful for both of you and the guidance.
I spent some time with old friends which was really wonderful. I also spoke with her mom, which made me feel better, and went to her funeral home and spent some time in her hometown. Nothing will ever be the same, I don't even really know how to describe it but it's like I couldn't turn around and go back if I wanted to. That side of life (the before) is completely walled off forever. I feel like I'm pounding my fists into the wall trying to break it down and get back to the other side but that side is gone forever. Today would have been my friend's 33rd birthday. I am planning a memorial for her for January and feel bolstered by your words. It will be really important to me to formally say goodbye.
It's weird being in certain situations right now. Like nobody in my present day life knew this friend, but it's strange to me that people aren't all talking about it. I expected to see a piece about her death on the national news, even though it is unremarkable to everyone else in the world. But it has been a world-shattering event to me, and it's a strange thing to wrap my head around the idea that something so profound and tragic can happen and it is nothing to other people, just another random every day dead person. I found myself in some pointless conversation with someone at work about I don't even know what the other day. A conversation I'm sure I would have been happy and engaged with weeks ago, but all I could think was do you even have any idea about this world? Do you have any idea what has happened? It's very isolating and I feel separate from other people.
I'm so grateful for this forum, Kay, & your blog, Marty! People don't respect friend grief and to be honest, I didn't either until this experience. But it has truly knocked me out of my socks. What a horrible way to learn that lesson, but I am appreciative of you guys both for your guidance.