HardLove

4 hours ago, Rae1991 said:

Hi HardLove,

I am so sorry this has happened to you too. But as KayC and Marty stated, it seems there is definitely a pattern in the way our ex-significant others have reacted to these tragedies and it may be a telling sign of how they react to things in the future as well. When I was 19 I lost my grandfather to cancer, and 9 months after my best friend John committed suicide. At the time I was in a Long-Term 5 year relationship with my then fiance and we were living together. I reacted in a very similar way as your ex has, though I did not actually break up with him, I essentially abandoned our relationship, dropped out of school for the semester, quit going to work and stopped caring about most things because I couldn't understand why I felt as I did and I was quite angry (and had been for years due to other underlying personal issues). About 4 months after John died, I experienced a sort of mental break and at that point Joe told me that we could no longer be together if I refused to seek professional help because it was not good for either of us and I was treating him terribly. Joe was in a very similar situation as you are in that he explained to me after I began to seek therapy that the only reason he didn't leave me immediately was because he saw glimpses of who he knew that I was and hoped that with time I would return. And I did return, kind of, because I had learned that grief does not truly ever leave us, we just learn to live with it and reform our lives with this new, different piece of us. Kind of like a puzzle piece, we just find a place to fit it in with time. We did eventually part ways a little over 2 years later because our lives had taken different courses and we did not want the same things anymore.

Your situation is unique in that she is still communicating with you, but as KayC said it may be because she is keeping you dangling and giving you false hope as to a relationship that will never be. You also stated that she is afraid you will move one, that may be one of her motivations for still keeping in contact as well. Not assuming malicious intent on her part, but I have noticed that people try and keep those they've left and/or pushed away around for "support" and/or to stop them (the dumpee) from moving forward because they (the dumper in this case) don't want to be left behind. My most recent ex Tim did the same to me. We dated for 14 months before his dad died suddenly. At first, he disappeared without a trace and didn't even tell me his dad passed. A week later, he said he didn't want to break up, but that he just needed time and space for himself. He did not break up with me but then disappeared at random for 3 months without contact. I had concluded my relationship had just ended because he never said otherwise and began to do my best to move on. He then reappeared after those months and wanted to reconcile, I reluctantly agreed because I still loved him, though I was extremely confused and made my concerns/feelings known to him. When I asked why he did this he said it was because he had grown extremely agitated, angry and was lashing out at his family/friends, but that he didn't want to do it to me because I hadn't done anything wrong (neither did they, but they have a different meaning in his life and knew they wouldn't take it personally). I asked why he didn't just tell me that, he said it was because he was embarrassed of how he felt, wasn't sure I would stay with him, and that he was too overwhelmed to put any effort into us, so he just "shelved" us. While I was happy he was honest, I was upset that he felt he couldn't just say that to me. I did take it personally at first because he didn't say anything, he just disappeared. Our relationship was not the same as I didn't expect it to be, but we agreed to work on things and continue and he communicated his needs to me more openly. 3 more months went by and things were fine, until one day I stopped hearing from him again. We were to meet for dinner after work and he never showed. Just that previous evening he had told me how much he loved me, and what I meant to him. That very day we kissed/told each other we loved one another before departing to work and had texted throughout the day. I did not hear from him again for another month when I asked for my things back. By then I had made the painful choice to force myself to walk away because I knew that all the things I had read here that KayC and Marty had said were true and that his "I love you's" meant nothing and that he was confused, unwilling to communicate and didn't know what he wanted and was just playing with my feelings to stop me from moving forward with my life because his was stalled. He attempted to tell me how sorry he was again, and reluctantly agreed to give me my things back, though he never actually did. Tim never once said he didn't love me, care for me, respect or value me. However his patterns of behavior, not just his actions told a different story. Now, this may not be exact the case for you, but it has similarities and her pattern of behavior again shows that she may react this way to something again in the future.

What I think KayC is saying to you is that she is essentially trying to save you from what happened to both her and I along with many others here.: From falling down into the grief hole/fog with her and waiting for something that may not come. I am glad that you agree and have recognized that she may be setting you up for failure because she is being ambiguous with her words, passing burdens unto you that are not yours, and confusing you in the same way that she currently is with the promise of a reconciliation that may never happen. It is best that you make the choice to regain your control and go no contact with her and do what you can to move on. As KayC said, being in limbo is absolute torture, and it is extremely unfair to you to be left waiting idly on nothing but potentially empty promises. It is painful, I know but it will save you in the long run whether or not she does return. Both times Tim went NC I cried and was upset for weeks, and especially the last time, I knew I couldn't let him do this anymore because it was damaging me and ruining any and all love/respect I still had for him. I was 24 when this happened, I am 26 now and I still haven't heard from him (nor do I still want/hope to). I am not trying to compare your situation to mine, just pointing out the similarities between things that were said/done and the potential results.

Thanks Rae...

I was very engaged with reading your story and yes there are definitely some similarities here. As much as yes I’m a bit annoyed about the way she’s handled things and it feels as if she’s just abandoned it without trying. In fairness to her she’s not changed her story throughout, has been honest and said she needs time/space to sort herself out and that what she’s doing will give us the best chance in the future. It’s not however commiting that she will try in the future, we’ve been on a few ‘dates’ and things over the 5 months, most of the time it’s like nothing has changed, even just cuddling watching films, but she wouldn’t commit to anything. Not even trying with the relationship and said she wants to take it very slow. She’s a very proud person and like your situation, she’s probably embarrassed by the situation and see’s it as a weakness as she’s always been very black and white/head strong. 

From all these other stories I can definitely see some positives to mine compared, but maybe I am being biased. At the moment she is just very angry at me, mainly for not proposing, telling her what I saw for our future or expressing my feelings towards her as she would’ve liked. We all get complacent from time to time and it seems that this happened. She was very stressed/tired before she left, she’d just started work for the first time and was working unsociable hours. It hit her hard and it felt like she was going to explode eventually, then with the death of her grandma I feel like it all got too much! 

When we spoke recently she says that I’m making it more stressful than it needs to be. We just need to concentrate on our own lives for now and when she straightened herself out it will give us the best chance in the future. I think ultimately I need to be stronger now and walk away, do my own thing, if it truly means that much to her she will come back. It always seems that once she gets an incling I’m waking away she suddenly seems to care more, that’s human nature I suppose. We’ve been through lots together as well, she moved into my family home at 17 due to family problems. The good thing is no grudges are held and nothing bad has been done or said. Our relationship meant the world to her and I think I definitely still do, maybe once this cloud of anger/grief fades she will see things clearer. I’ll keep you updated, but I feel much better from not being on social media and it’s  only been 5 days! 

I agree with you completely. It’s been 5 months now, however we have seen eachother and spoken regularly throughout this period. Despite this however she’s always said from a week after she left that she needs to be left completely alone to sort things out. Her story hasn’t changed and she said this only last week. Now, I leave her completely m, do my own thing and if she gets in contact or not It will give me the answer. She’s definitely scared about me moving on and almost knows she’ll regret it, but if it means that much to her no doubt I’ll hear about it and she’ll put up some sort of fight to keep me. Time to turn the tables and gain some control of the situation rather than it be on her times which it has the whole 5 months. Our relationship in reality I had mainly dictated to a certain extent so it’s about time I stopped being weak and letting her keep me dangling.

2 hours ago, kayc said:

I would caution you against waiting though...it's not fair to you and she might never return.  That said, I know you will undoubtedly figure it out on your own, in time.  I just hate to see you setting yourself up for a fall.  If you would read through each and every post in this section, EVERY SINGLE ONE, you will see what I'm talking about.

Absolutely I completely understand where you’re coming from. The main difference I’ve noticed however compared to almost all these stories is that she’s saying she is doing it to give US the best chance in the future. Also that she’s been trying to protect what we have, almost from herself, so that we have every chance of continuing at some point. I’ve not seen that from any other posts also she’s never said she doesn’t love or want to be with me. Just she cannot do any relationship right now, she needs to sort herself out. How long that will take is the hardest question and how long do you wait another.... 

On 10/02/2018 at 2:32 PM, Lyla2 said:

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in my life. So, I have been dating the same guy since we were 13 year old. We dated all throughout highschool and we were madly in love. We did everything together. We had what some people only dream of finding some day. We were best friends and were absolutely perfect for each other. We became a part of each other's families- spending holidays together and trips and what not. I can't even describe the kind of love we had, it was so solid and incredible and we were both so happy and excited for our future together. Neither of us doubted for a second that we would end up together forever. We are now both in college at two different places, but we both agreed to stay together through it because we just couldn't live without each other. Like I said, we are best friends. 
But a few months ago, his mom died of cancer and he was SUPER close to her, and I was pretty close to her as well. For a little while, he leaned on me. He expressed his sadness, wanted to be with me all the time. Even before she died, he wanted me to go to the hospital with him to see her. I felt so awful for him and did everything I could to be there for him. I gave him all of my love, I was patient when he got angry, I was understanding when he didn't feel like talking. I really did everything I could. But he slowly started to withdraw from me. Just me- not his family or friends or anyone else. He was on and off for a few weeks about wanting to be with me. One day, he would tell me he needs and wants to be with me forever, and the next day he would spit awful mean things at me for no reason at all. Until he eventually became extremely cold toward me and every time we talked he was terrible to me and said everything he could to hurt me.I couldn't understand it at all because he had always been an absolute sweetheart to me, never saying a mean word about me. He finally said he no longer wants to be with me at all, he said he wants to be alone forever. He doesn't want to marry me or anyone at all and he never wants to have children. Getting married and having kids was always something we were both so excited to do together some day. He told me when he broke up with me that he just doesn't care about me at all and doesn't think about me anymore.  He deleted all of our pictures together and hasn't talked to me in about 2 weeks. My heart is so broken. I have only ever been with him and our 5 year anniversary is coming up. I have no idea what to do because he is truly my best friend and I only have a few other not-super-close friends. So I feel totally alone. We were SO happy and perfect together. He was so in love with me and told me every day how amazing I was and how much he adored me. Now it feels like he hates me. And there's no way I can't talk to him because we are several hours apart. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? If I give him time to cope and grieve do you think he will come back? or are his feelings permanently changed? I have tried so hard to be everything for him but he just doesn't want anything to do with me. It hurts so badly. Any input would be appreciated.

I’m currently going through a very similar experience, however as always there are slight differences to the tale. I honestly don’t know what to do or where I’ll end up, I suppose the main positives I have is that my ex says what she’s doing will give us the best chance in the future of continuing. She still says she loves me, but at the moment is so full of anger towards me especially, she’s bringing up all of the mistakes I’ve made in the 9 years we’ve been together. She says she needs time and space to work on herself. 

My only thing at the moment is that I can still make her smile, even when she doesn’t want to and she returns to the person I knew, even if it’s for a few minutes. It gives me hope. I’ve probably made the situation worse by constantly trying to push for answers the last few months and occasionally saying some things that weren’t nice and untrue. I wish I’d left her alone months ago, but I do feel like I had to fight for her to try prove it’s really inportant to me and everything I want. I can do nothing more to prove it to her anymore, she’s got to come back on her own accord. You’re not alone, it doesn’t make it any easier however. 

4 minutes ago, kayc said:

One of the things this can do is protect what love there remains as if you continually hash and rehash and don't get anywhere with it, it can be detrimental to the relationship.  It also protects you from the negativity, frees her to work on her own inner healing from the loss, and allows you the time to heal.

I agree completely. I do feel like she has tried to push me away to protect what could potentially be salvaged in the future. She’s said from the week after she left that she would just push me to a point where we can’t return from if we were to try now. She’s also said that what she’s doing will give us the best chance in the future so I guess I have to put my trust in her judgement. This has been a repeated comment from the start of all this and was only said just last week also. She’s asked for space but I guess a few weeks is not the kind of space she needs, it needs to be longer than that. I will blame myself for not giving her the time or space but I’ve felt the need to really fight for this and look for answers. 

I truly love her dearly, she’s my best friend and I certainly don’t hold any grudges over anything that’s happened. I don’t think she does either, however she does seem to be bringing up my mistakes from many years ago which is unfair. We were very young and made some mistakes to hurt eachother, we never cheated on eachother or anything that serious which has to be a positive. The way I got her to smile last week and the way she looked at me fills me with hope that it’s still there, but I need to back off completely or it will just keep making it worse as you say. 

37 minutes ago, MartyT said:

My friend, I don't think it's true that "in grief people get very selfish". Everyone grieves in ways that are unique to them, depending on many different factors (age, gender, personality, available support, past experience with loss, individual value and belief system, cultural background, etc.) What is relevant here is how this particular young lady is reacting to this particular loss, and the effect that her behavior is having on you. You are wise to pay attention! Life is full of crises, losses and disappointments, and this will not be the first time this woman will be faced with them. How she has behaved toward you in the wake of her grandmother's death is telling, because it gives you an idea of how she may react to serious problems in the future. 

That is ultimately a big worry of mine, even if we were to sort things out in the future, is this how she’s going to react when things go wrong. 

It has to be a huge worry.

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Hardlove,

I'm so sorry you find yourself going through this...been there, done that with my fiance of a year when his mom was passing away and he was caregiving 24/7...he broke off all contact with me.  It completely blindsided me!  After a few months, when she'd passed away, we resumed contact but it was never again the same.  After her death he might call every day or not for two weeks, he might say he loved me, or he might become distant.  It was yanking me around emotionally, and was very, very hard.  The last time I cried over him I told myself I needed to protect myself from him and I put up a wall around my heart so he couldn't hurt me anymore.  You see, I figured out that HE didn't know what he wanted!  All I know is, losing his mom changed him.  It changed our relationship.  Fast forward 7 1/2 years, we're friends, but nothing more.  In all these years he's never tried to get me back.  He told me if he hadn't gone through the loss of his mom, things would have turned out very different for us.  He has said it was him, not me  (believe that, it's true, I've seen this too many times in similar situations).  

Whatever you think you're guilty of in the relationship, remember, none of us is perfect and looking back we all have said/done things we'd like to change.  BUT, I seriously doubt she would have hung around all those years if it was that bad.  In other words, even though neither of you was perfect, you had something going for you...but somehow her loss of her grandma has changed things for her.  It does that in many cases.  I've read each and every thread here, each and every post...you begin to see similarities, a pattern.  A certain number of people respond this way in their loss.  They feel they don't have it in them to do a relationship AND grieve.  Grieving can continue in some cases, to some extent, the rest of our lives, there's no "end", no expiration date to it.  Eventually they begin to adjust to what that loss means to their lives and begin to cope with it.  BUT once they've tossed their relationship aside, they don't usually return to it.  Out of all of these threads, I've only seen one couple that actually made it.  

It will be important for you to focus on yourself.  No contact is best for getting over someone...including no checking how they're doing on social media.  This will enable you to have the best chance of healing and moving on in a healthy way.  I know that's not what you want to hear...I don't think any of us here wanted that, but I'm just stating it as it is.  It would be good if she'd get some professional grief counseling, but that is a matter for her to decide and she won't likely be receptive to suggestions.  You, however, can get counseling for yourself to help you through this hard time.  Staying in limbo is the hardest place to be.

Yes I have read many threads and your replies. I appreciate you taking the time to reply to me. It seems very apparent that she’s very angry at the world and Is ultimately taking it out on me, bringing up every small thing that’s happened over the years. I’ve asked if this is all about  what I’ve done? And she says she’s just a big ball of anger right now. 

She still says that she loves me and is hopeful that in time her mindset will change. She seems very bitter about things right now, especially about the possibility of me moving on. She seems scared about the fact she will end up alone and ultimately will regret letting me go, but she can’t be with me right now and needs to straighten herself out. 

I am going to take your advice and cut off contact completely even on social media. All we do at the minute is argue, even when we are just talking generally and it seems all she wants to do is to bring up the past and make me feel like this is all my fault. I’m still hopeful that maybe in a few months time or so, the person I knew will return, but I suppose only time will tell. I understand in grief people get very selfish, it seems very apparent that’s what’s happened, she still shows me glimpses of the person I knew but it’s buried deep beneath the anger and frustration currently. 

I will keep you all updated and appreciate your time. 

Have read plenty of these forums and thought I would share my story for people to possibly advise on and hopefully, eventually find hope from the end result when there is one. It's been an absolute nightmare of a situation and one I can't see getting any better for a long time right now. My partner of 9 years, we were very young when we got together, left me back in October of last year, I must also add that we’d been living together for the past 6 years. She'd recently started work for the first time since leaving University and got very busy very quickly, to the point where it felt like she would burn herself out as she was basically working, sleeping, working, sleeping. This was causing strain on the relationship, but we were still finding ways to do things together, going to concerts, out for dinner etc. I have to say that all the effort did seem to be coming from my side, possibly because she was exhausted and didn’t really have the want or energy to do anything. It felt like her focus was elsewhere and not on me, at the time I assumed ‘someone else’ however it’s become much more apparent that her focus was on work and also taking care of her Grandma/Family. In fairness I was being complacent in our relationship to a point, also very focused with my business trying to build a future for us, but I was making a real effort with it once I felt it was slipping away. However this then coincided with her Grandma, who she was very close to, being diagnosed with Terminal cancer and ultimately not having long left to live. This was when the real issues started. She became very distant from me and completely disinterested in the relationship. We began to argue as I assumed there was something else going on with someone and within 2 weeks she’d packed some of her things and moved back home. During the lead up to her leaving she was spending a lot of time with her Grandma and comforting her family understandably.

A week after she left, she basically said that she couldn’t hold down a relationship right now and that she needed to be on her own to sort herself out.  Obviously this hit me very hard and panic stations hit. I found it very difficult to understand what was going on and in all honesty, was very pushy towards her for answers about why she was doing this and why she wouldn’t let me be there for her like I always had. Very sadly her Grandma passed away a couple of weeks later. She wanted me to attend the funeral which I did and I was glad I could be there for her on such a difficult day. Since then I’d constantly searched for answers, pushing her for a reason for what she was doing, but she simply replied every time ‘I need to sort myself out; I’ll just push you away and to a point where we can’t return’. We’ve seen each other on and off once every few weeks since then, sometimes going a couple of weeks without a single word being said, but I’ve found it very difficult to do as when we’d see each other it would be like nothing had changed, but then she’d leave and it went back to being distant. There’d been various times where she’d get very anxious, especially about going out and doing things, which is completely unlike her. Now the last few times I’ve seen her it’s been very upsetting, she just doesn’t seem to want anything to do with me and she’s very angry at me for all of the little things I did wrong in our relationship. Mainly for not proposing to her, which I was planning on doing at some point this year and something as simple as doing the washing. I can see she’s not happy whenever I see her however, she also tells me she’s dealing with whatever is going on in her head, it’s like talking to someone who is emotionless and in her words ‘never wants a relationship again’ and ‘doesn’t feel anything, basically numb’.  

The last month or so I’ve tried my best to take a backwards step and just try to build her up, make her feel good, rather than telling her how bad it’s been making me feel. She has always been one to put on a front when she’s not ok and she seems completely fine to everyone else, including her family which is frustrating. It’s very upsetting to see and ultimately it’s put my mind in a bit of state, I feel myself thinking about it 24/7 and struggle with doing nothing to try fix it. It’s in my nature, when something is wrong; to do all I can to fix it, where I have no doubt some things are best left alone. I don’t want to just abandon her, as ultimately I want to be there for her and don’t want her to move on/forget about me. I saw my whole life and future with this woman and still do ultimately. I’ve tried to suggest that she go and see someone about everything as there’s clearly a lot of built up frustration and anger but she is too head strong. I can’t help but feel I’ve made things a lot worse by pushing her for answers throughout the entire time and at times being angry towards her for what she’s done to me, also telling her I’m moving on as I don’t know what to do. I’ve accused her at times of moving on, being with other people, replacing me, but she obviously denies this and says she has no interest in doing so, but It’s very hard to just sit there and trust her with no reassurance that she ever wants our relationship. She's not once messaged me first in the last 5 months, which has been very obvious that she can't or doesn't want to make any effort with the relationship right now. She says that what she's doing will give us the best chance in the future, so I suppose for now I have to just leave her to do her own thing and hopefully she returns, however it's hard to wait for something that you have no reassurance about. I saw her only last week, she seemed very down about the whole emotion and almost depressed about things etc, however at the end of it, I managed to get a proper smile out of her and for 2 minutes I was looking into the eyes of the person I knew. It felt like a huge release for her at the time, but then she left and I've not heard from her since. I would never hold anything against her and have always had the best intentions to try to sort things out between us and ultimately get a chance to make her happy. In recent times, I've done some very sentimental things (Writing letters etc) which I have no doubt will mean a lot to her, so hopefully they can be my voice when I apparently can't be there to help. I think the hardest thing I've lived with is the guilt of everything she's told me I've done wrong in our relationship, however no doubt this takes two for it to fail.

Very hard to say what happens next....