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  1. has Mike gotten any meds? i hope hes ok. yes, he needs to concentrate on getting well and then resting up first. Some people get hit hard and some its mild. Guess its just their system and what they take. I get to mostly stay home for awhile. good thing im a homebody anyway. I rather like the med televisits. As long as you're not getting less care. geesh, I become eligible for medicare next Sept and I need to start thinking about that. No idea if I sign up asap or wait til next year. Nope bro is out of state and cant come, wouldnt want him here anyway. he'd just try and run things. Even tho he cant admit it I really do know what im doing. I had called SSA to report dad passed. They said he may get the Nov payment and theyd need that back. i told them no problem will do. So today they placed a hold on the amount of that payment in dads acct, then tonight they released it. I sat on the phone an hour and a half and never got thru. No idea what theyre doing. i just hope the bank doesnt now lock the acct cause bills will bounce. one of the bills that charged I called the day before, the other was 3 days before. I dont know when the service period is but both said its now cancelled and would do a refund. Normally 7-10 days. One was supposed to call back to confirm and never did. they dont understand how much i dont care anymore. they can get me on the phone again or maybe when I talk to the atty he can call em. No one will believe me when I say (other than maybe the TV) I dont want any furniture or prints or anything. I want to leave here with what i brought in at most. I may sell my furniture as well and start clean. I have never really cared for old photos or memoribilia. They tell me that after a year id wished id save something, probably not. I have memories. I will save a pic of dad when he left flight training in denver. good pic of a dashing young man in uniform. I dont want to remember dad as the all but crippled old man ive taken care of these past 4 years. I dont want to remember him as the narcissist. I want to remember him as the dashing young cadet full of dreams. And i do have a couple pics of mom already so im good. thank you for the links and videos. Will watch them in about an hour. Bro had sent a book on grief. I promised id read it so will start skimming. Tbh im in a food place today. It seems to have really helped to have the funeral. I prayed all the way out that i didnt break down and here comes dads friend. I was very thankful. Now its getting house in order, continue to work on grief. get ready for estate sale in maybe two months . And hope to get medical bills settled. Im going to be crazy busy but will find what I want to study. What bro suggested I was told is a longshot. Employers want a degree and not this program, they want experience. How is your hand doing? hopefully all the aches and pains heal up. So, does Kodie have a doggie sweater? Or is his coat pretty thick? I remember when i was a kid we got our dogs sweaters but they didnt like them. You've been through so much, but you've done so well at coming through it. Thanks for helping me. going to go read then watch the videos and check the links. Thanks again.
  2. Im sorry about Peggy, she is really blessed to have you and good youre getting things done. gas here was 2.89 the other day. Lucky I dont need to drive much. Hope Mike and others dont end up being sick. This is all so crazy. The service for Dad was today. Luckily one of his friends showed and that helped me get thru the eulogy without breaking up. I feel a bit better now thats over and face long road ahead. I think since cold weather is close I will turn to working in the yard then the house again. my pumpkin patch is growing. The seedlings are a couple inches tall and the leaves are bigger every day. I should probably order some more quercetin and zinc/d. I have read of several people who took these as well as C and got Covid and just had a mild case. guess it depends on the person too but I believe this stuff helps, as well as colds and flu. I hope your sis keeps getting back. She sounds like she doesnt understand things. Really good she has you. AA is sending a kit cause dad passed, forms to fill out and probably tell me to send a death cert. lady I talked to said dad had life insurance. he didnt think he did but then since his stroke he had no idea about many things. We will find out. The people ive called so far have been willing to cancel things but two still charged him. So when I get D certs i'll send em out to everyone along with written demand for refunds for this month. sad for her end. It could be easier. Ive waded thru so many really old statements with no clue if the acct was taken care of, closed, or just forgotten. Worse for her cause the current stuff is so messy. Hopefully when the time comes she is well taken care of. Im sorry for your frustration, its hard to take i know. But only so much you can do. Its just so hard to let go or back away. I agree, let the nieces and nephews handle it. for once you can have a rest. I can imagine the aggravation. esp when its no appreciated nor compensated. Which is why I will be compensated. Me with no job could be studying to get one but im doing this. I dont mind doing this, its an honor to serve my folks. but it hurts my ability to find work. I have a decision to make and I have no idea what to do. I feel like ive forgotten all the IT things ive learned so would need alot of time to get it back. My brother suggests getting into the field of user experience design. Interfaces between product or website and the customer or user. he says to take this one course line on coursera and i can get a job. But i know its not that easy. It will be like starting over and its alot of programming so would need to learn a couple languages. I will be here for the winter and hope to get an estate sale in before Spring. then can work on selling the house. Brother is playing nice for now but I know better. My best friend told me once that its hard to let go. We see the problems and the solutions and want so bad to help and see them safe. But we can only do so much and if they dont wish to co operate we cant force them. Its hard to do. But know that you've worked so hard helping her and showing her love. I dont think anyone could do more. And you're still there for her. maybe the nieces and nephews would have better luck. maybe that having someone new to take a few responsibilities. For the past week ive felt sad and bad and angry at myself because it seems now I see things with my dad much clearer. i think he was much worse than he let on and I udnerstood. there was alot more I could have done to help. But its all over now and doesnt matter. thats part of letting him go and forgiving myself. Lol, your coffee sounds good, enjoy for me. Ive been making two spoons of french vanilla capp with one spoon spiced chai and its yummy. im sure that at some point i have to give it up. Ive been sleeping earlier and waking a bit earlier, no idea. Waking many times a night so curious to see if I sleep well tonight. Been going room to room and closet by closet and pulling out all of it. throwing away junk and brokens and saving out documents and such. Some really neat stuff, things ive never seen before and cried some. made some more room in the pantry so thinking of make one more order. I have food for the winter probably, just need baked goods. Well, im going to take out my last load of laundry. take good care of yourself and Kodie.
  3. quick post of a couple resources. ive not used yet but Frontline doctors is well known. https://americasfrontlinedoctors.org/ https://speakwithanmd.com/ https://corstet.com/telemd be back later, just wanted to post these. There is now no incentive for the mail to even work. This is the plan from the people in power. Break everything and sow chaos. I need to carefully watch the money but im thinking of doing another food order just to stock up in case we get shortages.
  4. Sounds like everyone is getting sick. take a yardstick with you when you go out and whack em on the head when they get within 3 feet. From what ive read the vaccines dont work very well. hahaha bubble wrap, guess it cant hurt. Ask her what to do when you need the bathroom lol. Our summers get real hot. depending which part of Tx she's in it can get pretty cold. Now many cartoonists use software and many still do it by hand. I considered drawing again when in animation school. but everyone said t be good you have to draw for hours every day. maybe after this ends if it ends well. I just know I have to be creative in art, somehow. I never realised how bad my dad was. Its way too late for regrets or blame. the only thing now is survival. My quercetin has bromelain in it. saw a video on the virus protocol. Doctor said for a virus and he said flu...quercetin, D Zinc C and he named a couple addons that make those work better. I cant afford to get sick. Just got off phone with american airlines reporting dads death. he never reported moms death. They will probably send his monthly in Nov so I will need to transfer it to my acct and send them a check. They will send me a kit in 7-10 days... wow, looks like you live out in the wilds. Looks cold today too, we get 80 then 40s overnight. I have to be careful when the weater changes cause my resp tends to act up. I let a couple guys know and told em if they come is great but if not it isnt a problem. Tbh I just want to get it over with. Eerytime I have to call and report it I tear up, just an auto response. I always wondered why my brother would only talk twice a month, somethimes more. But he could have called dad during the day or in the evening and just let him tell stories. he wanted to throw money and buy stuff. Dad didnt want stuff to be bought. You write very well. Thank you for sharing. I think most people have never appreciated nighttime. esp in the garden everything changes. There is something lost to this society and younger generations. they cant look beyond themselves. im thinkiung now that next month everything will be deposited and taken out as normal and will be a mess. SS and AA will go in and insurances will be charged. I think ss has to have a death cert. Ok im grabbing some coffee and making a list. take good care
  5. Are you ok? I assume you are since you havent had any symptms. This is where me being a loner has been an advantage. No idea if docs can still prescribe Ivermectin here, really works tho. hang in there and take care of yourself, no getting sick or injuries for awhile. ya need to get healed up. I did cartooning for fun a long time ago. When I was in high school and my bro was in college I did cartoons like in the paper of the mascots for the games each week. Too bad i didnt pursue it My dad was the same way and I never knew if it was the illnesses or the narcissism. But the last 2 weeks before my Mom passed she told that after all these years she dearly loved him and made me promise to always take care of him. I hate that he went through so much. I wish he could have been at home and gone peacefully. In a way it was past his time. his body and mind were all but gone. It seems these days the body and mind go on too long, past their abiity for a healthy life. When Mom had passed in the ER a priest came in and Dad had a good ole time chatting with him. On the way home he got excited and asked if we should stop at Ihop for dinner. I guess my look ended that idea. Again, I never knew if that was his illnesses or the narcissism. Many things in my life didnt get closure. Nope, bro cares only about himself and how much he can get. he said Mom had an appraisal sheet and wanted to know when I found it. Note-if he thinks its there then its there. If I dont find it then either im lieing or cant find it and am stupid. Im guessing he will go crazy because he cant be here to look through things and pick what he wants. If left unchecked he would take as uch of the expensive stuff as possible. He has been told the rules and will ignore them and push. I will end up telling him he cant just take all the expensive stuff and that we will split evenly and that all must wait until all the bills are paid. Ack, he will make it so much harder. he thinks of none but himself and has no concpt of honor and duty. Anyway, the pumpkin seeds are starting to come up. Curious to see how they do. Working on documents today and found a big closet with airplane stuff in it. i should do something fun but I feel a real urgency. probably cause I want to get this over and get a safe life again. Im sure i'll be here all winter tho. Cold nights 40s now, days will be 80s for a bit. Visit with funeral home tomorrow. they say 1-3 hours, lol. Im not waiting to be sold, Im telling them straight up what I want done and cut the crap. Will have dad buried in his american airlines uniform and holding his flyers club cap in his hands. I think he would like that very much. Take good care of yourself and kodie.
  6. I caled him tonight to see if he had a scanner. I was going to scan in alot of photos for him but decided just to send them. Now he wants another item or two. contract a shipping company to piggyback em with someone elses stuff. As long as he pays for it. My only concern is he want to take all the expensive stuff and then the split wont balance. there also has to be enough cash from the estate sale to keep the bills paid til the house sells. i shouldnt have to be worrying about getting screwed over. sigh. i just hope he behaves because I a realy having no patience these days. I feel my back is against the wall in Life. I try and do something for myself but end up going back to sorting stuff lol. just dont see the point of much at the moment. its odd how when dad was here even if I didnt see him all the time it didnt feel empty. just psychologically i knew he was here. now this place is so empty. Even if I could and wanted to afford this place its too big, empty and full of memories that would constantly make me miss my folks. I need a new smaller place. did this crayon masterpiece as a little kid and Mom saved it all these years. Ive seen alot of old memories and alot ive never seen. Im not much for memorabilia so wont keep anything. life wil be rough and take all y time I think. My brother keeps trying to push me into taking things like he is. he is very disresoectful in that Itell him no, I dont want anything...he just keeps egging it on like i really do but wont say so. I dont want any antiqyues or paintings etc, nothing. I esp dont want to have to hire a uhaul and a person to help me move it. If this whole things works ill just buy a heap bed and chest. I will tak my bookcases and one chest I brought in. he assumes im like him and I think he's trying to start a run on items, not happenin and nothing leaves until allis appraised. geesh, i have enough to do without this drama. Ok im just going on, take good care
  7. Thankfully my bro is out of state and cant come. I dont want him here anyway. he would come in and want to run things and doesnt have any clue what dad wanted or about estates. irks me he lies about dad wanting his wife to have the expensive ring. but I know he's a liar and doesnt care about me or dads wishes. But he can have what he wants and the value will be deducted from his share. And he thought he would just grab all the expensive items and then take half the rest. I talked to dad about doing this and he agreed it was fair. bad thing about dad tho, he would agree with me, never cared to get a thing in writing and as far as I know never talked to bro about his estate. In fact my bro would tell me to hold back things for him and I told him it doesnt belong to me ask dad and dad said he never did. Forgive if I repeat myself. having trouble sleeping in, wake up early and cant go back. It'll even out soon. I have several recommendations for an atty close. want to get a consultation. had one atty on Reddit say that in Tx we dont need to probate the Will, as long as we are both listed as beneficiaries and agree on who gets what we just do it. That wil be a relief. Also asking the atty how i pay for expenses. Im on my dads accts but not his debit card. all I can think is proper is to write a check from my acct then transfer the money over. The scary part is when I need to talk to the mortgage people. Bro sent me an email with a link to a course in interface design. he says take this course and get a job. the website he likes isnt well thought of and taking this course wont get me a job. It will introduce me to the disciplin and theres alot of other things to know. he's always pushing these and I ask guys in the field and who hire and they tell me they mean nothing. It wouldnt be a bad field but one course wont get me a job. I read the Post office is hiring. good place but will be awhile before i could even consider it. SO MUCH TO DO. I spent yesterday cleaning the den, making a list of his doctors etc to notify, it seems endless. Im scatterbrained. there is a need to settle and return to being centered. One steo at a time. It is very good I was filing the pantry, its well stocked. used to have cheech and chong records when I was a kid lol. made me laugh so much. Well, I know who and what he is and that I cant trust or believe him at all. maybe he at the cause wants t hep but it comes out horrible. ahhh yes, for a dogs life. How do we get old and we've lost those simple times. Too bad we dont understand when we are young and can start working on it. now is too late. gee lol wrote to here, went and worked on the closet then came back and did something else and remembered hey, finish the post. I sent bro an email and reiterated theres no way i keep the house and he replied if I really dont want to then thats ok. I dont trust it we shall be hopeful. back to the closet, take good care
  8. Thanks Ruby, much appreciated. he had 95 years on God's earth. he got to do what he loved all his life. Near the end illness started robbing him. But as an aviator I think he is flying thru the heavens with Mom in the passenger seat.
  9. I have been lazy these past few years, should have done the Trust and many things, now I will suffer for it. I have been reading on wisdom and trying to take care of my anxiety and all that bad stuff. I had a thought last night. how I feel inside determines my outlook, frame of mind, my mindset and emotions and what I think I can do. If you think you cant then you wont. but how I feel and think depends solely on me. My mind, my heart. TD Jakes So if I let the fear and insecurity in it will overcome me. It will keep pushing and my brother is an agent of fear and is being used against me. So my journey is with peace and having control over my mind and heart. dad had a plan and he had paid his expenses except for putting him in the ground, thats 1995. It will be simple and short. The family tradition is that the person is not there, thats an empty shell. And we pay tribute to them wherever we are. Its funny how my brother lies to me. he always says he wants heirlooms. yet true heirlooms he doesnt want. Like the cookbook that Mom had that was over a hundred years old and had recipes and notes from aunts, grandma, etc. he wants the expensive ring, and the expensive print, and I tell him he can have whatever he wants but it will be deducted from his share at the end. And everything will be held to the end so the expenses can be paid. he wont like it and he will try and mess it all up. but to me he isnt family. I will fullfil my duty and then he will be gone from my life forever. I changed yesterday. maybe I finished growing up. I will reiterate to the funeral home, nothing extra. No flowers no picture on an easel, just an obit. meet at the grave and lay him to rest. This guy really ticked me off when he called 20 minutes after i learned Dad passed, esp when he wanted to now what I wanted to do and he didnt have his records. The first time this is so overwhelming, the net its a bit easier. maybe it helped that my brother royally ticked me off. Lol. I feel a great need for urgency yet know this will be slow and scary. In the meantime going through drawers and such for any records, papers, legal things. throwing out papers that will no longer be needed. Well, back to it. Thank you. take good care of yourself and Kodie.
  10. This would be so much easier if my narcissistic brother werent trying to steal the entire estate at the expense of my ruin. And hes stupid enough to not understand I know exactly what he's doing. Pardon my french but he can go to hell. he keeps telling me I need to keep the house etc and I can in no way afford it, it would be my ruin. I get what hes thinking, he thinks that if I keep it all then when hes gone his wife can move in and if I go first they can have it all. he is obviously desperate. My patience is now gone. I need his good will to probat the Will to free up the possessions so I need to behave for a bit. I was laughing at him yesterday because he kept telling me I could afford it, wanted to know bills etc and I told him ive already run the bills and I cant afford it. Not his money, not him that would go bankrupt and live on the street. Telling me what to do when he doesnt even understand the estate process and obviously cant do simple math. If he blocks doing probate or refuses to let me do an estate sale i'll go to the judge. the other thing is that the money from the estate will provide the security that i wont be afraid of going broke and going on the street. Once ya go theres no way back. At least dad had funeral insurance so that expense is only 2k...only. Then medical bills, tax return. My brother is trying hard to make it look like dad left plenty of money to pay mortgage and bills. Im estimating med will be at least a couple thousand. Three ambulance rides and three weeks in two hospitals. His stay in april was 680 so... anyway cat rush it to being done I ate half my sandwich, went back to cleaning out drawers, remembered I was partway tru this and then started googling how im supposed to pay the estate expenses. i can try using dads debit card or can pay on my acct and then transfer that over . I am on his bank accts and his safety dep box and was his legal Poa. I believe being on his accts and being Tod I can access them freely. I am going to write his obit, and have him buried in his flight uniform but hold his club ballcap. he was in aviation his entire life. Its better this time, not like with mom. It would be ok if not for my brother trying to steal it all at the price of my ruin.
  11. Thanks Marty, much appreciated. So much to do so I guess I will grieve as I can. I knew it was coming but that doesnt help. he was in good shape a day and a half ago and the floor fell out. Guess thats Life. Thank you
  12. dad has passed, he just never woke up today. No idea what happened but he was breathing fast and heavy til the end. they did scans and xrays and tests and couldnt find anything. Nurse said his lungs were just worn out. The guy from the funeral home called soon after, that made me mad. he was asking what I wanted for him. dad had a prepaid policy so whatever that was for but the guy didnt have the info on his pc at home. then he shouldnt have called me. I remember when Mom passed she went into their plot and it was like 1500. he was saying 18000, ummm no. Life seems so odd, just when it looked hopeful then for no reason we could see the floor fell away. I hate this, have to cancel all this stuff, hope the bank co operates and doesnt screw me over. Anyway, you dont need to read my anxiety. Feels so weird now.
  13. yesterday dad was pretty good. They had the feeding tube in and said he was tolerating it well. I was hopeful. This morning at 5a.m. his nurse called me in. he had taken a turn for the worse. His eyes were closed and he was unresponsive, he wheezed when he breathed and coughed up at times. she was wondering if the feeding solution wasnt absorbed and so was getting up into his throat. they had vacuumed his throat several times and gotten gunk out. His doctor called me and suggested we start hospice. theyve xrayed and scanned for blood clots and run tests and find nothing wrong. maybe they botched the feeding, I have no way of knowing. maybe they did it right but it got in his throat anyway. In any case he is unresoponsive, breathing hard and fast and his heart is going fast. hospice has started him on morphine and atavan to try and ease him and relax him. maybe that will help his breathing. he has always said he wasnt in pain so he doesnt need a pain killer. they didnt expet him to last the day but im thinking he will hang on. His fear has been that he end up a vegetable. he does have his dnr in place. I know they have O2 on him and IVs they had to put in his legs because they couldnt in his arms. So we are all just waiting for him to pass I called my brother, fisrt thing he asks about is the estate, wants me to keep the house. We've been over it and ive told him no. he wanted to run the numbers. No, its my money, ive run the numbers and no The house is on a Ladybird deed and will pass to me. Since I never got the Trust done we will need to probate the Will for the possessions. That wont be bad unless bro decides to be a pain, then i'll talk to a judge. Need to have the estate sale so theres cash to pay mortgage and bills. medical bills, taxes etc. Im staying busy and trying t make a list of things I need to do. My loving brother had told me of some heirloom things he wanted, this was last year. I told dad and that i told bro he had to ask dad cause its not my property. bro never asked him and dad just said he had to work that out when the time came. I told bro that after the estate is settled he could have anything he wanted but the value of that item would be deducted from his share. he decided he would need to re evaluate, apparently he just wanted to grab expensive things off the top and then split the rest...no. The estate cant close until all bills are paid. It will take time for the medical bills to come in. So really do need that estate sale or the house will default. Anyway, one step at a time. I want him to pull through but it wont hapen. i want him to pass peacefully and easily. Its just so strange the difference from when I saw hime yesterday at 6pm to what I saw 5a.m. But no one knows. Honestly I have no idea what dad had ever been told of what he had. I know he had some dementia handbooks so he at least suspected. But he would get very angry if i mentioned he was sick or had problems. But he def had dementia and alzh and Parkinsons.. take good care of yourself, i dont watch the news anymore so dont get the coivd scare they always do. Ive read theyre targeting doctors who use ivermectin, even tho they dont use the horse dewormer kind and it works really well and safe. I guess I wont do anything else in the yard and will start cleaning the house. Thank you for listening to me ramble, take good care and scratch Kodie's ears for me.
  14. went over to the hospital after dinner. Dont know why, guess just in case he was awake. they gave him something for pain and sleep so he slept. Im very curious to see if they will give his meds again, he really needs his parkinsons meds. I feel like that may be why he has been so cognitivley out of it, he needs em. Will go in after lunh tomorrow. Good chance of rain the next two days.
  15. Thats a great price on wood and great service. Good people can be hard to find anymore. Im eligible for medicare in a year and no idea if it will still be around or if I can afford it. but would be nice. It has treated dad really well. I talked to him a minute and then they came to take him down. he was more awake and he looks so weak and tired. Big change from friday, no idea what happened. Will go back after dinner. Hoping they can feed and meds him soon after and it helps. BP- I wonder if the older we get the more genetics comes into play. Sounds like youre doing the right things just keep doing them. No help whatsoever, brother does the ole rah-rah but thats it. Unless it goes bad today they should have dad in hospital a few more days and then on to rehab. Insurance will pay thru end of the year i think and I hope it doesnt take that long. But if he doesnt break out of his fog we are in trouble. He asmswers questions, made a joke. it seems like he's in a fog. Will see in a few days. Downtime. I find my anxiety is on fifth gear and I have to solve that. So much needs doing but so much in the air. I planted a small pumpkin patch, we will see. Take good care of yourself, and Kodie. Everytime I think of him it reminds me of scooby-doo getting scooby snacks because he was being good.
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