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Tachi

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About Tachi

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    Advanced Member

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Son
  • Date of Death
    today
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    na

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  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    Hurst Texas

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  1. Mom, in her dementia or whatever it was that afflicted her became sweeter and more childlike. And she forgot things. One time she saw a Coca-cola commercial and said out loud how she wondered what that tasted like. Of course she had had them plenty of times before. So dad got her a 6pack of Coke, which she wrinkled up her nose at. Near the end she wasnt herself yet maybe she was more so. I dont know at what point either of them started changing. I couldnt tell in a phone call. sadly, I didn't understand what was going on when she was still here. But yes ma'am she is at peace and she doesnt have to endure the fears she had. Even though I would love to have just one more day with her and talk about life and laugh, all in all I think its better this way. Thank you my friend.
  2. Thank you....it's interesting now how I look back and things fall into place. And how what he did was to keep me down. Its odd that for the last four years, a couple in animation school and a year now studying for my IT certifications he has not encouraged me nor shown any interest. Funny how when he had episodes I knew something was wrong with him but this really makes it clear. Sad to think about all the people who deal with this and dont understand. Very sad to think that Mom had to deal with it. At the end she was afraid of so many things. I honestly think it for the best that she passed. She is at peace now.
  3. https://narcwise.com/2018/09/18/what-happens-when-narc-knows-you-know/ my best friend sent me this website and there are some good articles, describing my dad to a 'T', so much so is scary. I can understand how things must be for him but considering how he has treated me and knowing what he is capable of i will not ever be close to him or trust him or leave myself in a vulnerable position. If it comes to it I would just have to leave no matter the cost to me or him. Anyway, thought this might be a good read.
  4. Yes ma'am...and I see that you came through it all and are a good person. It gives me hope. I've been doing some studying in the evenings on life. based on the last couple years events and how I acted and felt it seems that i really didnt understand much of life nor myself. At this point in time this is my road and I must walk it. My challenge is to learn and prepare for what is to come. My challenge and opportunity is to consider that this is the last phase of my life. As I cant say I like my past I can attempt to create my future. Who do I want to be and how do I want to live. the test is to see clearly and to be able to change. I understand that when I pass I will be forgotten. I will not change this world nor leave behind much of note. And that's ok. And lest I forget I wanted to wish you ladies a Happy Mom's Day Take care
  5. There are no words, you cut straight to the heart and all i can offer are tears. God bless you my friend, I am deeply thankful.
  6. In case i didnt say it Marty, thank you very much for the link to the resources, i will be reading through it. A good man once said that if we cannot change our circumstances then perhaps it is we who can change.
  7. Kay You know, thats something that I think about. That we should take these things during this time alot less seriously. this time is brief and there are important tgings here and lost of distractions. yet not having trained in any discipline of the mind, heart, and spirit I find that something will just grab me against my will and I dont even notice til after. I dont like it, and its something I can work on. I seem to have a great weakness when someone confronts me with totally erroneous bs and wont understand the truth. When i can i walk away but no clue what to do when i cant. Not sure how to google that but I think its time to work on these things alot more. Distracted sorry....I will see Mom in heaven, dad wont. dad has always made fun of Christians and faith. That makes alot more sense now because I think for him there is no God. To him its just a religion made by Man. He sees himself as all knowing and in a way its like he is his own god. It always made me wonder because it seemd when he didnt know about something he just came up with the cause and understanding and that was gospel, dont question it. I suggested tonight at dinner that since that problem with his back is fixed he move on to the next urgent issue and go see his doc. I am thankful for his back being fixed and that it wasnt worse. I think that God has me here to take care of my dad. It is a sore trial and im not strong nor wise. I consider that life doesnt get better, it just ends. I guess ive finally grown up. Im done bugging you folks, thank you.
  8. I keep telling myself to stp caring and being drawn in. He plays this little game where if I say something no matter what he has to say the opposite. If its cloudy as can be and I say it looks like rain he says ;nope no rain today;. So I just say...the weatherman on the radio says rain later and its sprinkling, and he just keeps quiet. Things that he has absolutely no clue about that I have extensive experience with he will disagree and be very wrong, but he will argue it to the death. Just so he can be right and feel superior. I can no longer trust him and I have no respect left for him. Studying is taking longer than I had thought so i need this place to stay. he does treat me like an 8 year old. he expects that whatever he says will be taken as gospel and it is disrespectful to disagree/ tell the truth. That doesnt work with me. But ive learned that it does no good and try not to say anything when he is wrong unless it pertains to me. I wont suffer just to boost his narcissistic ego. But for some reason i still have compassion for him. Theres no way he could survive on his own. My next lesson is to not be caught off guard and just let him talk on and on and not try and help. I think the only reason he tells me about his woes is for the sympathy and so i can suggest an approach to solve...so he can tell me thats wrong. So lets short circuit the game and not offer help. Sad thing is that there are so many things he doesnt understand but acts like hes the authority. Or that he could do to help himself but wont. A few weeks ago he had a sore back and took a hot shower and apparently his BP dropped and he fell. He had a badly injured vertebrae and the two next to it a bit less. So he had the vertoblasty (?) where they inflate the vertebrae and inject bone cement. They did three. When i went to get him the nurse showed me his dressing and explained his care. the dressing was on his lower back, clearly. Tonight he yet again made the statement that they worked on his upper spine and oops I corrected him. he cant stand to be corrected because he can never be wrong. Sadly he is wrong alot. And I reminded him the nurse showed me his dressing and it was clearly on his lower back. he argued to the death it was on his neck. This is what I dont get, does he think im a liar? Or that I am so stupid I dont know what I see. He has done this many times over the 4 years ive been here. I think he just has a badly messed up memory. I just dropped it because even if I showed him his doctors papers which lists the T11, T12, and L2 vertebrae (lower back) he would just say they made a mistake. because he cant be wrong. Tbh, this scares me. Today reminds me and I am determined and maybe this means im not a good person. But unless his madness affects me and my life I will say nothing. I will not suggest anything that may help him nor any ideas as far as a cause or solution to his issues. I must remain aware at all times so he doesnt lure me in and i can just keep my mouth shut and just say uh-huh and not play into the game. I guess i'm just a slow learner. But i believe this is the best compassion i can muster, dont feed the madness. he seems to think that he can say whatever he wants as rudely as he wants just because he is my dad. Trust me we went rounds on that one. he doesnt have Mom around to dominate so he still tries with me and he will never get there. Honestly i would be better just moving away. my compassion says he couldnt survive very long so im needed, but it would be the best for me. I just cant be me here or develop ino who i want to be. maybe thats my challenge, to develop anyway. I seem to stress at the falsehoods and stupidity. Sadly, I am not far enough along in IT to land a job I can live on. learning is proving to be very difficult. Guess i am stuck for awhile. It will be a huge...HUGE lol deal when i pass exam two and get on with education after that. Sorry for the ramble and thx for letting me vent. I see how I am now and was all my life and now that I understand how my dad is alot of things make sense. That feeling that you are and were never good enough. Thankfully ive started pulling past that. ive developed too strong a personality and a very strong aversion to bs and manipulation. I consider that I wont become who i am until hes gone. those times will be difficult, so be it. Aight, thanks again and take care everyone.
  9. I'm sorry for your loss. You're right in that we dont get over it. Has been a year and a week since Mom passed and i think of her all the time. It seems to me that in our society we dont prepare people for loss. Its going to happen, but we seem to ignore that and then people just gloss it over and expect you to hide it. Long ago we would live in a group, maybe a tribe, that would come together in such times and help each other. but now we are too modern, or so we think. We turn our backs on our humanity and the things we really need. It's good you have a bro and sis to help and make sure your dad knows he is loved and cared for. I think that's most important. The best thing we can do is not just to deal, but to honor. The little things that you keep in your life that are from them. The way they were will always be in your heart. My mom was the kindest loving soul. When i'm out and about I will have a smile and a good word for people, I notice that its mostly the older folks who arent afraid of this old stranger :)....Mom used to paint until her arthritis got too bad, and that was maybe 25 years ago. in cleaning out the kitchen cupboard I found her old brushes, they now sit in my closet. When I cook for me and dad anytime I use bell pepper I cut the top off and place it on the sink divider, because thats what mom always did. In case she is watching I want her to know that I am thinking of her and that i love her. I dont know if you have regrets...I seem to have so many from my life. Its hard to internalise things some times. But I know in my head that regrets are a trap and it doesnt matter anymore. Its difficult for the heart to accept that. Its hard to not open up and talk about life, maybe another time. But what I learned is that life is rough and its never about having a perfect life or avoidng trouble and tragedy. its about becoming a good strong person and living your life so you have better choices. To be able to handle the hard times when they come, for they will come. Thank you for the post...will be praying for you and the family. This is a good place with some wonderful people, if it helps reach out to them.
  10. True...I will do what I can without surrendering myself. As i'm finding out life is very hard at best. Just do the best we can. Thats the measure of a life and not wealth and fame. I suppose we are all in our own fog of sorts. his moreso I think. For what you've come through in life and ended up the person you are , well you're a good person. Thank you
  11. Thank you for your kindness. I have enough trouble and I cant imagine the strength you have. Will definitely do some reading so thanks for the suggestions. he had that fall a week ago and although it seems all he suffered were pulled and bruised muscles he is still sore and weak. I explain how sore muscles and all that work but he just totally ignores. Mom passed a year ago this coming saturday and he is thinking of her and at times seems very sad and lost. i can understand. He just wont let me help. Will be here if he needs me.
  12. First of all, thank you. Seriously. he has a important need to be in control. Early on he tried being a bully and telling me what to do. We set that straight. But he still tries at times to sneak that in lol. He i believe suffers dementia. He has to understand and dictate what everying means. I dont care except when it will cause harm and then i will respectfully and casually tell him truth. he will argue his misconception til hell freezes over. Anyway, you know how that goes. Its like someone is walking down the tracks and the train is coming but they wont listen when you tell em to get off the tracks. I think all I can do is help correctly when he asks. The last stage of my life begins when he passes so this is a breather to re educate and improve my mind and physical shape. I am trying to hold the line financially so that I have as much as i can for the transition. I am grateful he lets me stay here while I study. I dont think at this time i could make a living off what they pay lower retail mgt here. I would be working two jobs and not studying. I seem to have learning issues so is very frsutrating. I had decided i wont be sitting here trying to sell this home and going broke. If we can get the estate set up in time then when the time comes I will be able to sell the home etc, else i will be hoping my big bro agrees on selling the home (joint heirs). If he causes delays then I wont waste my money here but go ahead and find work and an apt and either bro can buy out my interest or the bank can foreclose, maybe out of that we get to split whats left, no idea how it works when the bank sells the home. My hope is just to survive and get back to artwork. Whatever happens it wont be fun and will probably be very painful. One must do what one must do. I dont think Life is about fun anymore. You get here and have to do the best you can. I will do my best. If it comes to it i'm walking away and my brother will deal with it from Cali. just need to find out if I do and the bank forecloses, since the house will sell for more than the mortgage do we get the excess. Ok, book over, sorry. Thank you for the kind words of caring and take good care of yourself.
  13. I think you may be right. At times he seems his old self and at times he just seems to not care. Is hard to explain but guess its his narcissism...he is king of the castle and center of the universe. Whatever he says is true because he said it. No matter what he does it isnt wrong and no matter how he acts he is never rude. If you tell him anything that he doesnt wish to hear he just acts like you're not even there. He will not let me take care of him nor help him. he gets some crazy ideas that are wrong but he wont listen, because in order for him to be who he is his youngest son is seen as an idiot child. Yet I still do what I can to make him safe and try to keep him as happy as he can be. He has been somewhat this way for years but after his stroke got much worse. There were things he could have done after his stroke and things he could do now to feel better, but he doesnt listen. For the last week or so he has been complaining variously of weakness and soreness (he took a tumble) yet he wont go to the doctor. I may be a terrible son but i'm not having a huge fight trying to get him to go. He also hasnt been eating like he used to. The last few days he has been sleeping a few extra hours a day. Thats how Mom was the week before she passed. I know he has probably given up and doesnt care and i dont know how to help. He doesnt think he needs help. Everytime he naps or sleeps I fear he wont wake up. And I guess im selfish because not only will we lose him but his estate isnt ready yet and that would send my life into hell. Meaning trying to get a job in retail mgt at 61, which wont pay enough, and probably going broke waiting for probate and get everything settled. I can and yet cant really imagine how he feels. I think it would be much better for him if my brother and his wife were here instead of me. All I can do is the best I can. Thank you for listening.
  14. Thanks, aiming at end of month, things just dont stick like they used to. The anniversary of mom passing is the 13th, going to try and be there for dad. he just doesnt seem to want any help or support at all. I dont think he cares for me very much. I'm trying to take what care of him i can and not interfere but i've noticed he will either totally ignore me when i say something hes not interested in or just dig in with the opposite of what i tell him. Just dont know that I can do anything to help. Maybe you folks understand it but i'm totally lost. Now he wants to have the funeral home post an obit for Mom in the paper. At the time he didnt because he didnt think anyone in town would remember her. I see so many things that would help him, but theres nothing I can do. Plants....when I rented a house before moving home I did the yard and found i could grow things outside well. Inside plants were another matter, nothin doin. If you're planting outside place it so it gets the rising sun and is sheltered from mid day sun on. keep the roots mulched and cool.
  15. I apologise, not getting notifications, must be hitting my spam filter. Glad you're well, those are nothing to take lightly. Trying to get ready for the exam still. have a devil of a time remembering things. I understand the material but just dont retain well. just seem really distracted. Looking at ways to keep it in better....and get back to doing artwork. dad's hanging in there, we get along better but he still doesnt listen. It's like he always has to say the opposite and defend it to the death lol. Are you planning on doing any gardening? Miss my old one, take care
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