ElizabethMC

Kayc,   Yes, I lost him last year. It's hard to keep track of people here, I know. I did post last year in my previous comments. I'm going to ask my brother to give my husband a big hug for me.....Knowing our loved ones are so joyful in God's light really helps. You are in my prayers, Kayc. What a wonderful soul you are.

Kayc, I am so sorry. That is so sad and tragic. ..and then to lose your sweet puppy dog...

I also ask myself why some people live lives that don't have this kind of pain.

I don't understand...

I just wish my husband were here so he could give me a hug. ..and I wish you comfort as well.

My sweet, beautiful bother suffered renal failure in 1991. He has received three kidney transplants since then. The last transplant began to fail a couple of years ago, and he began dialysis last year. 
In August, he began to develop calciphylaxis, an insidiously horrible disease.  It progressed very quickly, and he was admitted into the hospital in late August.
I'm sorry to say that his pain has been unimaginable. He said it felt like a blowtorch on his legs. The pain couldn't adequately be managed without the risk of suppressing his ability to breathe, so he has had to endure horrible pain.
Over the weekend, the doctors gave us news that we knew was inevitable: He can't be saved.
He comes home from the hospital today where he will no longer receive dialysis, and he will gradually slip away.
I am beyond sad.

My brother is the kindest, generous soul I've ever known.

When he passes into God's light I know he won't have to answer for hardly anything.

I miss him already.

13 minutes ago, george p said:

I have been doing pretty well for some time,  but yesterday was a bad day , but nothing really bad happened. I started out by finally getting all of the checks from my limited trust in order so I could get the check books right , two of the accounts were no problem , but the main account had been in Mary and my name for well over 50 years and I had just a few checks left in the book, I don't write very many checks so I had not opened the check book in over a month. When I pulled the few checks out and started to put them in the shredder it hit me like a ton of bricks that this was one of the last things that still had Mary's name on it and I was about to shred them, I had to make myself do it. I have her credit card that needs to be canceled but I have been putting it off because it was all hers , I am going to keep her drivers license along with some of her other personal things. She was just woven into my very being for over 60 years , I don't want to lose that , but the little things that come up are just very hard to deal with sometime.  

 Then a few hours later a neighbor across the street had some sort of medical issue and called 911, the sight of the emergency vehicles brought back the vivid memories of the night Mary passed away. It made me aware of how fragile I really am, neither one of those things were very bad, but I had a hard time coping yesterday  and most of last night. I don't know what was wrong with the neighbor , but he was sitting upright in the gurney and talking to the EMT so maybe it wasn't very bad.

Today will be better ,one of my Grandsons is coming to visit me for a while this afternoon, it will be good to see him.

 Thank goodness for this site, it gives me a way to let my feelings out to people who have been there, done that.

 George P

        

Hi George...I don't check in anymore, but some comments show up in my email. I am really sorry for your loss and your pain. I hope you at least have the comfort in knowing that you'll be reunited with Mary  when it's your time to go into God's light.

Yup, I decorated for Christmas. I put a white vined Santa between the two reindeer, and a huge lighted wreath on the bay window behind them, along with other stuff...
I decorate because it does make me feel better.     When the house looks happier, I feel 'happier' .
I know my neighbors enough to say ''hi'' and have small talk, but that's kind of it.
I pretty much keep to myself.
I really only needed Iver. Now that he's gone, I only want Iver.
Anyway, with all my decorating, I can only imagine that they must be thinking... 'Boy, she sure is happy now that Iver's gone'.......lol
There's a study that claims that smiling, whether you're happy or not, produces a chemical reaction in the brain that can help you feel happier.
I am a smiling fool. I walk around the house smiling. I watch TV smiling. Heck, I'm smiling right now...
I really try to be grateful for what I do have, especially my health.
I feel great compassion for those of us who struggle with physical pain, in addition to the emotional pain. Just how hard does it have to be??
As always, you are all in my prayers, that God will help us.❤️

Gwen, I really know how you feel about the holidays in general. I can muster the spirit for Halloween because it's ingrained and it's a time to contemplate all things unknown about the other side, which will make me feel Iver's presence all the more.  

I wish I could say I'd be embracing Thanksgiving and Christmas but I know they'll feel mighty empty . 

I trick myself into not feeling devasted by living in the moment, as I refer to it.

Whether I am watching something good on TV, reading a good book, enjoying a good dinner, I immerse myself in the contentment if not enjoyment of the moment. It really helps me. 🙂

Thank you, Kay.

I get fewer trickatreaters every year. That doesn't stop me from stocking up with full-size candy bars, ever so hopeful for a crowd...I keep the receipt so that I can return the leftover candy. That's the plan anyway...😄

Karen, Thank you and thank you for the laugh. I got a mental image of you protecting your lawn ornaments...

Speaking of barking mad dogs....mine couldn't be more insane when the kids come to the door. I have a combination door, so I remove the top part, allowing me to reach out with the candy while the door is closed. My pup is barking all the while in a scary Halloween way. They don't get the treats without the tricks...😄

Hi everyone...I think about you all.

It's Halloween month. All my life I've loved Halloween more than any holiday. I loved the spookiness, the unknowing, the possibilities.  My husband, Iver, loved my Halloween spirit, so I decorated for him. He'd want me to still love Halloween. I made 'spooky' ghost pumpkins this year. I desperately try to live in the moment. It's not too bad in the moment.

I wanted to share a photo of my pumpkins. I'm really happy with them. The reindeer are Christmas decor, but I leave them out all year and decorate them per the season.

You are in my prayers, Elizabeth

wow! That's really big...😊

3 minutes ago, Marg M said:

I somehow am jealous of them dying before me.  (I know how sick that sounds), but crazy is something I have never denied.  

 

I understand that completely. I feel left behind too.

I do know that I can 'survive' this a thousand times better than my husband could have. So for his sake, it's for the better he went first.

22 minutes ago, Marg M said:

When we first moved to Arkansas, Billy and I went shoe shopping for him.  To him, shoes were shoes, and he had a high arch which would hurt him sometimes.  He found two pair of Rockports and one pair he used for "every day wear" and the second pair he saved for dressy, even though we bought him another pair for dressy.  When he was proud of something, he "saved" it and would not wear it except on special occasions.  

Elizabeth...............I don't know where Billy's shoes are located.  I know they are in one of those huge plastic boxes, but you reminded me of them.

I have managed to have an anger with Billy for the past few weeks.  I feel better with that anger.  Now, I will tell you why and you all can laugh at me.  Dammit, he had three old girlfriends that have since died and I am just positive he does not miss me.  Go ahead and laugh.  It actually has helped some.  

Well, after 36 years, sometimes I think Iver might be happy to have some 'Elizabeth-free' time...lol ...Whatever makes him happy, I want with all my heart.

This morning I bagged all Iver's shoes, except his beautiful high-laced Rockports.

Next to my 6-1/2s,   those shoes look so huge and manly and quintessentially him.

I wanted to talk about how this made me feel but I didn't want to tell my family.  Hearing these things makes them sad.   I figure you guys are already sad.... ( I say with a big heart).

Tom .....That sounds like heaven on earth.  I'm sorry it's so painful to do things now that used to be so magical.

"Glowing" is my arch enemy... 

The Cape is glorious this time of year...not to rub it in...but we can get very humid weather here throughout the summer.

I hope things work out for you with this family matter.  Life is hard enough as it is.

Most days I'm OK....

Some days are profoundly sad.

I cleared out Iver's bedroom drawers but I can't put anything in them.

Sometimes when I think too much about it, I can't believe he's really gone forever.

There's no one for me for the rest of my life.

Being around other men makes me feel sad because they don't hold a candle to my Iver.

I wish I had some answers.

I think about the people on this board all the time. I am always praying for you.

17 hours ago, TomPB said:

Elizabeth, my first time sailing without Susan a beautiful falcon landed on the spreaders as we were motoring to pick up the mooring and stayed there. Never saw that before in 30 years sailing, not even a seagull. Susan always went forward to pick up the mooring line with the boathook while I drove the boat, and I just realized that she was trying to be there and participate in the maneuver she enjoyed, as always. Things that make me think her spirit is really present, beyond being in my memory, make life more bearable.

Tom, I think I would have cried to see that. By everything you wrote, how could it NOT be your Susan?

Hi everyone,

My name is Elizabeth.

I lost my husband, Iver, last month. He was and is the love of my life. I last commented about my loss in the 'going through the motions of being alive' forum.

I'm having an experience in which a sparrow keeps trying to perch on the window in front of me when I'm on the treadmill. This never happened before my husband passed on. I think it's likely that the bird is reacting to the sound of the treadmill, but I want to think that my husband's spirit is guiding the bird.

In the past, I have had visits from loved ones during sleep state: my uncle Tommy and my Mother. 

I know they weren't dreams because they were so real and non-dream-like. My uncle appeared to me looking so unworldly beautiful. He was emanating light from within. His blue eyes were the deepest blue. His hair and skin were shimmering. In our conversation, he said things that would only have been said in real life.  I remember asking him if he was in a good place. He said ''Yes, it's a good place''. I don't think they want to let on how amazing it is in God's light, that we might feel tempted to take the first bus out...-)

My Mother's visit was a phone call. She didn't appear to me. I also asked her how heaven was and she didn't answer me.

If not for those visits, I might have serious doubts about whether there is an afterlife. But they did visit me, and I am very grateful.

Thank you, everyone, for your kindness and generosity. It's going to be a really hard time for me, I know, just as it is for everyone else here. 

My nature is to be very private, so commenting like this is hard for me.

I don't know if I will be commenting in the future, but I think I will be checking in to read comments to hopefully benefit that way.

I wish with all my heart that we all find light in our lives.

E.

Dear Sandra, I think I know how you feel. 

My husband of 36 years passed on a month ago, March 15, and I am dying inside.

He was/is my entire world. 

I see no beauty. I feel no happiness. I am completely alone, going through the motions of being alive.

The pain is actually getting worse with time.

If not for our dog, I would have no reason for breathing.

I'm sorry I wasn't able to offer words to help relieve your suffering. 

The only thing that gives me comfort is the absolute belief that my husband is now whole again in God's light -strong, brilliant, beautiful and happy.