missingma

On 11/11/2017 at 4:49 AM, Ausma said:

My mom died almost 2 weeks ago now. I woke up one morning and was getting ready to go to class but realized she hadn't gotten up yet, and when I went to her bedroom I found her unconscious on the floor beside her bed. The ambulance came but as soon as we got to the ER we were told she had a massive brain hemorrhage as a result of an aneurysm and there was nothing that could be done, so she passed a few hours later. She was only 59, she passed on October 31 and her birthday was November 5. Her mother died from the same thing, though she was older (about 67 I believe) and I never in a million years thought my mother would die from the same thing - I didn't even know it was hereditary before the doctors told us at the hospital.

Finding her like that was my biggest nightmare, I'm an anxious person already and I always worried about losing my mom even though I never had a reason to as she was in pretty good health, but my greatest fear was losing her and now I feel like I'm living in a nightmare. I don't know how to go on without her, I don't have many friends and most of them are in different states for college and she was the only person who was always there for me. I was seriously ill and bedridden for years and she was the only person who was ever there for me or cared for me. Every day when I come home from class there's no one to talk to and no one to share things with and no one who cares about what I have to say. I already struggled with a lot of depression before my mom died but now it's worse than I could ever imagine and I feel like I don't have a reason to live without her. I've never dealt with much loss before in my life and now that I've lost the most important person, the one person who was my entire world and who I loved more than anything, I don't know how I'll survive. I'm only 21 and I feel so much anger and frustration, though mostly sorrow, that she died so young and that there's so much more life we could have spent together and I feel so guilty about so many things.

What makes it all so much worse is that my father, who hasn't been living with us since my mother and him separated 2 years ago, has moved back in since she died. He was emotionally abusive to my mom and she endured so many years living with him before she finally kicked him out. My mom, brother, & I were so happy in the 2 years we lived without him and it hurts so much to think that she could've been so much happier if she forced him out earlier. While I can tolerate him, I feel so much worse with him around and to have him in the house again because it brings back so many bad memories and I feel guilty trying to live amicably with him because of how he treated her, but I don't have anywhere else to live right now because of my school situation.

I've been considering posting my story on here after looking through the forums the past week or so, and just reading them has made me feel much less alone in all this, but I feel even better after writing this out. Thanks to anyone who reads or comments on this, I'm thankful there's a community like this for us to help one another.

 

Sending you lots and lots of love and solidarity Asuma!!

I'm in a really similar boat to you. My mum was the same age as yours when she passed and I'm the same age as you. The friends sitch is also very similar - my mum was my best friend and I had depression before she died and she really helped me through it.

Everyday I wake up, I feel like I'm just experiencing a bad dream and although it's only been a few weeks I really can't imagine spending the rest of my life (especially if it's a long one without her). Like, I just don't know how.

You're not alone in how you feel!!