widow'15

kayc:  Am sad to read you're trying to be a good guest but not knowing what is right is so difficult.  Sweet Kodie must be so unhappy being out of his element.  Hoping this nightmare will end for you and Kodie soon.  Hugs, Dee

Marg:  Happy 79th Birthday.  Hope you're finding an enjoyable way to celebrate.  Wish it were possible for all of us to sit in the shade and enjoy a big cold glass of iced sweet tea with you.  Best wishes and Birthday Hug, Dee.

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

My doc gave me the best reason to get off, he said it caused dementia.  I'm going to google that if I can remember to.

Marg:  After my wonderful PC doctor for over 17 years retired, the younger PC doctor I started seeing would not write a prescription for a refill on Xanax.  I had used a slight dosage to help me sleep after Bob passed away.  The new doctor stated the same reason that it had been determined to cause dementia.  

Yesterday I was talking to my SIL on the telephone and he told me that my daughter's kidney doctor who had been prescribing Xanax to my daughter for her anxiety issues was instructed by the medical board, not sure which governing board it would be exactly that he would have to cut my daughter's dosage in half.  She was able to have her pain pump physician continue her usual dosage.  Seems interesting to think some physician's will and some won't.   Dee

31 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m booked for back surgery 8/18

Gwen:  One huge step made.  You will be in my thoughts between now and when it's over.  Hopefully the weatherman is correct in reporting rain is in the forecast next week.  A few rain showers could help cool the Northwest off. 

So sorry you are feeling so alone as you deal with the pain.  Take care.  Hugs, Dee

kayc: Keeping you and Kodie and your home in my thoughts.  I know your daughter must be relieved knowing you are there with her.  Hugs.  Dee

37 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 Sorry, I’m a mess today as usual.   Maybe more.  

Gwen:  No apologies required.  Just some days, as you know, are tougher than others.  It's good you were able to listen to your friend. Hugs, Dee

51 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I'm trying to figure out what old, limited people do during the day.  The last thing I want is to start turning on the TV.  Might as well hang a RIP sign around my neck.  😓

Gwen:  I understand how you feel about the area changing so quickly.  Unlike you, I am more content to stay put at home instead of getting into my car and finding a need to go out.  Last week as I was needing to meet with my son to set up my Comcast service at my new home, I had the option of going to an office closer to my current home, but instead chose to drive to my son's, an hour away, that I am accustomed to driving instead.  The closer location was in an area I haven't driven in for years, so would be like going to a new city.  My eyesight isn't forgiving in unfamiliar areas.  Tacoma is rapidly changing as Seattle is changing.   My driving slower only makes other drivers more impatient with me. 

I find there isn't anything really worth watching on TV anymore.  I'm too old for so many of the shows or the old movies remind me how old and limited I am.   

I try not to think about the outside world.  The world I was used to living in is long gone.  If I ever get myself resettled in my new home totally, I'll worry about the world then, or not.  It takes everything inside me to just get through my silly, boring day.

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

I'm a mustard seed Christian. 

Marg: I consider myself somewhat a Christian, so I will work on remembering that mustard seed more as I go through my day.  Thank you for the reminder.

Dee

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Personally death sounds a bit of a release to me! 

Yes, kayc there many days I feel the same way.  I don't think I could hasten the event, but trying to face every day sometimes gets harder and harder, as the days pass.  I keep reminding myself to look for that reason and put that "foot in front of the other".  Just not very much fun anymore.  I peeked at your recent photo of Kodie on another thread last night and he made he smile.  Hugs, Dee

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

Also, you all know the generation I come from.  I am a very accepting OLD lady.  A lot in my family are gay or "bi" and I love each of them and it is none of my business what goes on behind closed doors. 

Marg:  So good to see you on the Forum again.  I was wondering if you have been ok. 

Oh yes, I know the generation you come from, I am a year ahead of you and I try hourly to remain a very accepting OLD lady.  These times anymore are really difficult to understand, much less accept.  Being raised in the South, too, I have been accused of being too Southern in my standards in many situations. 

Many years ago when my sister in law shared to me she was gay, it didn't make any difference to me who she loved.  Through the years, it has been a learning experience talking and listening to her when and how she knew she was gay.  She and her partner are very dear to me. 

I am sorry your grand daughter felt she had to leave as she did.  I am sure within time she will smooth over any bad feelings.  At age 22, I believe that is the beginning of reaching adulthood for some.  Not sure why 18 is considered being an adult in our society. 

As others have stated, you are an amazing Grandma and Mother.  Hugs and wishing you peace in your heart.  Dee

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Kodie, he was amazing, what a good boy!

🐕 Those fur babies can be such a JOY.  Hugs to you both.  Dee

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It’s funny, Steve wasn’t into kids, but they loved him.

I think it is always so wonderful how kids can see the true person so easily and be drawn to the "fun" personalities of some adults.  Gwen, reading some of your comments on the Forum, I feel your sense of humor that you have, even on your less than fun days and am not surprised you could easily relate to children.  Bob had a lot of "kid" in him still even in his late 60's and early 70's.  The easy smile and the twinkle in the eyes were always there, except when we were told of his diagnosis, that look was seldom seen anymore.  Dee 

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Fire is 4-5 miles from my home.

No, No, No.  You, Kodie and Peggy in my prayers.  Dee

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It’s going to be hard watching her grow up and him not see it.

Yes, it is sad since she was always drawn to him whenever we were all together as a family.  She would always want to be next to him.  He had such an attraction to little children and animals.  He was always happy to spend time with our two grandchildren.  He is so missed.  Dee 

5 hours ago, Gin said:

Memorial service tomorrow.

Gin:  Keeping you in my thoughts as you say goodbye to your brother. Hugs, Dee

7 hours ago, kayc said:

My glasses are screwed up again, 4th time.  I feel defeated.

kayc: Oh NO.  So sorry to read this. 😱 Dee

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

it’s a shame you don’t have a backup, Dee.  But in the beginning we aren’t thinking straight.

Gwen:  So totally true.  At the time I was only trying to stop some of the pain, and did not think I might one day want to hear his voice again.  I do have a few short videos and some VCR tapes, but can't bring myself to listen yet.  I mistakenly opened a very special short video my son recorded.  Bob was reading a story to our granddaughter.  It is so sweet, but the sad thing is she doesn't remember her PaPa because she lost him much too young.  Dee

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

im still watching gone of my parakeets failing.  That’s a torture for us both.  

Oh Gwen, so sorry your parakeet is failing.  Why now when you have so much else to deal with.  Thinking about you and hope it will help you a little to know you are in my thoughts.

I spent a good part of the day today on line researching a new primary care physician in my new location.  I have always liked female physicians.  So far I haven't decided.  Right now I just need one who will keep my prescriptions going.  Yesterday was my last appointment with my retinal specialist.  I hated to tell him goodby.  He was amazing in the way he quickly and gently treated my macular degeneration issues.  I really appreciated his wonderful "bedside manner".  His office will refer me to a RS closer to my new home.   Since I will need someone to drive me to my appointments, it doesn't make sense not to be closer. 

15 hours ago, kayc said:

We're not only getting heat but Thunder/lightening through Sunday...we already have fires nearby.  If I have to evacuate, how am I going to take myself, Kodie, my sister, her walker taking up the whole trunk (plus her bedrails that I can't break down, our Rxs, in my Civic along with a few clothes, dogfood, water, etc.

kayc:  Haven't had the chance to hear the weather lately so didn't realize you are facing this kind of weather and the possible fear of having to evacuate you, Kodie and your sister.  Keeping positive thoughts the lightening passes quickly and no fires. Dee

3 hours ago, AlvinC said:

She said our son "has been sent to his room, and can't come to the phone right now, so leave a message and he will get back to you." She did have a good sense of humor. 

AlvinC: Oh my what a funny message.  Your Dottie had a wonderful sense of humor.  You and your family have such beautiful, sweet reminders of a very special person.  Shortly after my husband passed, I made the mistake of having my son record over my husband's message on my landline.  At the time, hearing my husband's voice each time the phone rang, caused more grief.  Now, I wish I had tried to replace the tape until I could have found the strength to want to hear his very distinctive voice I always loved so much.  Even after 6 years, I doubt if I could listen to that voice without breaking into tears.  Dee

11 hours ago, kayc said:

I don't care, it worked! 

kayc:  Funny! One of my sayings:  "Whatever Works".  Dee

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’ve become s firm believer that all is normal in this journey.  It’s your heart, your loss, your path.  The one we all walk alone and no prior experience with.  We do the best we can.  ❤️

• Gwen:  Well said.  👏  Dee

1 hour ago, scba said:

I don't want to hear this cause it causes me pain and at the same time I understand cause it's been 7 years and I'm 41. I cannot keep hiding behind "you don't understand". Is this an excuse? 

I'm very confused.

Ana:  When I read your comments today I tried to think how to respond to your question.  Being old enough to be your mother, or even your grandmother,  I searched my brain how I would respond to a daughter.  And can only say, try to trust your own feelings what is right for you and not let others direct how you feel.  I will assume you have sought counseling for your loss?  Just know you are in my thoughts.  Hugs, Dee.

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Dee, I just think you're one strong cookie!  And I understand vision problems, my eyes are complicated...STILL waiting on my glasses that I ordered June 18, the lab keeps screwing them up.  I was NOT happy the third time!

Thank you for that compliment, kayc.  I am not as strong as you, and others are as you fight the grief war alone.  Your "sharings" have helped me keep going, be it the wrong direction or not.  I do hope your eye glasses are received correctly soon.   Loved reading about the gift you received in the mail.  😆  Hugs, Dee.

14 hours ago, kayc said:

Dee, I can't imagine.  I know someday I'll likely have to do this, hoping I die first. 

kayc:  I hope you will not have to ever move from your home that you love so much.  I wished I didn't have to make this move, but the reality is the worry and expense of maintaining my home does not make sense.  I have a few more years on you and am dealing with vision problems and bones that hurt in the winter months .......plus my son was worried about me being so far away, etc.    Making the decision to do this move right at the covid shutdown didn't help either.  I'm stubborn enough, I will get this done in spite of myself. LOL.

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

You and me both, Kay.  I can’t remember what started this move for you, Dee.  But I know it’s taken a big toll physically and more importantly mentally.  I just can’t imagine doing what you are doing.  Everything here is connected to my old life and used or not, it has its place.  But who knows, I may be overlooking that cutting down on some might help.  Having to change doctors is tough too.

Gwen:  As stated above from kayc's statement, is what started this plan.  Another motivation was not wanting to leave 51 years of stuff for my kids to have to sort through......it just began to feel like it was time to take my memories of my dear husband and move to a more manageable home.   My grand kids are growing up and I need to try to spend some time with them before I become that cranky old woman.  Their generation already has Gramma asking, "what, who, what do you mean, explain that to Gramma, please." 

Like walking our grief pathway, we each have to walk it in our own way.  I hope you won't ever have to leave your home that Steve and you shared since it gives you peace and comfort.

When Bob and I moved into our last home in 1997, we both laughing agreed that moving was not fun and that the next move would be with only our toothbrush as we moved into a nursing home together.  Well, that plan didn't work as we planned.   Dee

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m glad you kept Maddie's throne.  To have a piece of her of priceless.  Ally’s stuffed toy still lives in my car.

Gwen:  I have also kept Maddie's toys.  Her favorite was a jointed multi colored caterpillar that had a squeeker in it.  She would use her nose to make it squeek to persuade me to play with her.  She loved playing "chase me"  around the living room.  I miss my silly, sweet girl so much as I know you miss your beautiful girl, Ally.  Like Alvin said, "Dogs' lives are too short.  Their only fault really." Hugs, Dee

1 hour ago, AlvinC said:

"Dogs' lives are too short. Their only fault really."

Alvin:  Beautiful quote and so totally true as so many of us here on the Grief Forum will agree.  To lose our life partner and then have to let our fur baby go a few years later only reminds us of our loneliness.  My Maddie has now been gone over a year and my husband gone 6 years, each loss chips away at the heart. 

I envy your ability to write your thoughts so beautifully about your dear Dotti and your life with her.  Being able to escape into your thoughts and put those thoughts on paper is a gift.  Dee