Nicholas(Nick)

I don't know some heart bullshit they didn't and still don't know 37 years old and she dies in an instant.but yeah no idea even post autopsy they can't tell me not that it really matters chalk it up to the fuked up way stuff happens right?

Isn't it crazy that little bit of time in the am before your really awake and the loss isn't there but then you roll over or open your eyes and they are gone and yet we keep getting up and " living" with this vague hope that it'll get better eventually. Now this may sound odd but I think the loss is kinda beautiful when you said you "don't want be better ever" it's like our grief is this tribute to who and what they were eh I don't know how to say what I'm saying. Good luck really sucks you've lost your Mr.Darcy.

OMG we can't swear? Wow!

Well I've never done anything like this group discussion s***, I had to though no one gets it. I'm in hell. They ask "how you are doing"? How do I express this disbelief,sadness, longing, f****** rage filled pain, and loss of self and future? **** your sympathy and **** you I am not doing I am and I really don't even want that. I just want her. But unfortunately no that's the one thing I don't get. I tell you what if I knew when we died we are all together in bliss like they say I'd blow the back of my head off today. s*** ain't that easy though. I don't wanna knock you folks that have your faith I think it's beautiful and great wish I could to, I'm just way to cynical. Any how what do I people? Lemme guess muddle on through this dark dreary hell and eventually the plethora of emotions that roil in me will lessen and maybe just maybe I'll regain enough of myself to.... To what? Try again? Find another f****** soulmate. A terrific woman that bout fits you perfect in every way possible? Cause that's easy as **** it only took thirty f****** years the first time. Or mayhal I should give myself over to god ? Well **** that and burn in hell cause chances are I'm going to and so is she cause we weren't anything and according to all these different sects the one thing you gotta do is chose and follow but I've never been much of a sheep more the wolf hell actually more the half starved crazy junkyard dog. I am truly asking for those of you that have read this far I am really asking I'm an asshole sure but there's a lot more and she saw that and now she's gone. I'm not friendly, handsome or rich and she still loved me so much ugh I wish... I wish.... I wish to many unrealistic f****** things so any helpful insight you may have into this tortured hell of loss one of you may have would be greatly appreciated. Cause I'm alone in this I mean ya I've got friends but no one gets it. I don't think you can unless you've lived it. I tell you what I'll never tell someone " I'm sorry" when they lose a spouse. Okay I'm done. For now. Thanks for spending the time to read this. Nick.