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katie32188

Contributor
  • Content Count

    20
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About katie32188

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    California

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Girlfriend
  • Date of Death
    08/17/2018
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

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  1. katie32188

    A week ago today

    @Gwenivere Thank you. I just went and had a session on Thursday. He didn't really help. Some times he made me feel a little better about some of my guilt but mostly he just took my side with some of the stuff I didn't agree with in our relationship, like the addiction issue. I didn't feel like it was helpful at all. And I asked him if I could be seen weekly and again, he told me Kaiser didn't work like that and there werent enough therapists. So he told me I could find some out of network therapists. I guess im going to have to do that but Im just tired of explaining everything over and over. Im not even sure if counseling will even help me. I know I have barely gone but I wake up depressed every single morning. He's the first person I think about as soon as I wake up. I still don't want to believe this is real. @kayc It wasn't as bad as I expected, with my co workers. They didn't probe me but I recently found out that it somewhat helps me when I do talk about it. But when Im with my patients and they ask about it I don't want to talk about it. They don't need it or my sadness. They're suffering enough. The only thing that was hard was that I couldn't provide the best care I can. And I don't know how Im going to be able to any time soon.
  2. katie32188

    A week ago today

    Kayc, I dont think its the certain therapist who doesnt have time. I called and told them Id like to, I need to, see someone once a week and they said that it doesn't really work like that. Everyone is booked up, but I can be put on a waiting list. My job is stressful and requires a lot of focus. I am a dialysis technician and work 12 hour shifts. I know its going to be difficult getting back. My boss, apparently sent a text message to all of my co workers telling them about my loss and I just know they're going to, as you said, ask me questions and probe me. And I just know its going to be hard because I have my patients to take care of and I just feel like I cant provide the best care that I need to right now. The funeral hasnt even happened yet.
  3. katie32188

    A week ago today

    Gwenivere, Do you talk about two totally different things when you talk to each of them, or do they both help with grief and daily living? I was just asking if I should see two because its hard to get appointments with any at Kaiser. I agree, I didnt like the support group. I didnt feel comfortable there. Im sure it's helpful to talk with others who are going through the same but I just felt it wasn't for me. And not to be selfish I just need it to be about me for once. I just feel like I need to go once a week. I feel numb sometimes. Friends and family are there but I just feel like they dont always want to talk about it and I do. I just need to get everything out.
  4. katie32188

    A week ago today

    I worded that wrong. The therapist that I see is constantly booked up. So the last time I was able to see him was 3 weeks ago. The next time I see him is on Thursday. All the therapists there are apparently booked up and I have to wait a few weeks in between each appointment. I need to see someone once a week, so my question was would it be smart or alright to see different therapists, maybe between two, once a week. I feel like I need to talk to someone at least once a week. I tried the group thing but it just didnt help me.
  5. katie32188

    A week ago today

    Thank you kayc. I know it wasn't my fault. He did it. But its just really hard to think otherwise. The what if's are really getting to me. I know I cant change anything but I want to so badly. The funeral hasn't even happened yet. And Im afraid its just going to get worse when its all over. Its hard to want to do things for myself. I went and stayed with a friend for a week and a half and that helped a little, but now that Im home and surrounded with his things still in a suitcase is making it hard again. I go back to work in a few days and Im dreading it. I dont want to explain everything over and over. I just feel like im a lost cause.
  6. katie32188

    A week ago today

    Thank you for trying to get me to see that feeling guilty isnt helping anything. I go through waves of feeling ok, feeling sad, feeling guilty. Im now starting to question if he even loved me. I spent the last week and a half at a friends house. I went out and did things to try to get it off my mind but Im home now and its all coming back. I still havent unpacked his clothes his mom gave me. I don't know what to do with them. And what kind of makes this harder is, I dream about him every night. He's dying in every one. And then I wake up and its real. Sometimes I just think he's in a better place and then sometimes I think I dont want to live without him. I know I need to see a counselor but I wasn't even able to make a weekly appointment. I have to wait 3 weeks apart. I dont see how that will help me. I have Kaiser. Would it help if I saw a few different people, once a week?
  7. katie32188

    A week ago today

    I feel the same exact way with my guilt. Like, why couldn't I have just done what he liked, or why did I say what I said, or why didn't I tell him how I felt before I went there. Or why didn't I try more to help him. I am constantly torturing myself with these thoughts. We live as though the people in our lives will be there forever. Its eating at me. Im sorry you feel guilty as well. But again, we didn't know this was going to happen. Is it a way of life to constantly worry? It isn't but with me, I always worry, about everything. And I dont know what to do about that. I just feel lost and alone. But it seems like therapy may be the only thing to help me. But then I think will it actually help? I feel guilty about that because early to mid of our relationship I began to take my anger and frustrations out on him and we broke up a couple times and I told him I was going to therapy for cbt and I never once went. I just told him that. It makes me sick just thinking about it. I wanted him so badly but I chose to work on myself without the therapist. I feel guitly about everything. Like if I were to just let him go when he didnt want to be with me anymore, he could of been happy with someone else by now and wouldn't be taking pills or that person could of been there with him that night and either saved him or he wouldnt have taken anything. I hate thinking like this.
  8. Hello Darrel @olemisfit Thank you for sharing and I am too, sorry for you loss. It does give me some hope that I too, will one day feel as you do now. I am very interested in hearing the visits from your wife. Please let me know.
  9. katie32188

    A week ago today

    Thank you for the links again. Im not so much asking how long does guilt or grief last. But I’m asking how long did it last for them.
  10. I recently started believing there is life after death. Before I was skeptical. When my dad died 12 years ago, I got no signs, ever. Or maybe I just wasn’t looking for them. But when I lost my boyfriend last week I started researching signs. Yesterday, I was sitting outside in the backyard. Usually I’m on my phone but for one moment I decided to look forward and I saw a feather falling down to the ground. I don’t know why but I instantly felt some sort of peace. And I genuinely smiled for the first time in a week. I felt it was my boyfriend letting me know he is with me. Has anyone else had anything like this happen to them?
  11. katie32188

    A week ago today

    @scba Thank you and I’m sorry for your loss as well. How often did you go to therapy? I try to eat and drink, I really do. Even if I try forcing myself I can’t do it. I eat just a little bit and I feel like that’s the best I can do. It’s hard to want to do much. Even if I go out with my friends Im sitting there thinking about him. I feel useless. I’m saddened to know this guilt will stay with me for a while. I know it wasn’t my fault but I can’t help but feel there was more I could do. Do you still feel guilty or how long did you feel guilty for?
  12. katie32188

    A week ago today

    Thank you for sending that to me 💕
  13. katie32188

    A week ago today

    It’s good to know that counseling helps. I’ve always had trouble sleeping because of my work schedule but it’s also because of the constant anxiety. I’ve never been one to take any sort of pill, besides a Tylenol. And now after this I don’t think I will ever be able to take anything but one Tylenol again. Right now I just can’t see the need to care for myself. I really want to but I just can’t seem to be able to do it right now. I thought things were going to get a little bit better but now I’m in Canada and it’s like it happened all over again. How long did it take you to start caring for yourself again?
  14. katie32188

    A week ago today

    Hi Katie, I’m so sorry for your loss as well. Did or does counseling help for you? What else did you do to cope?
  15. katie32188

    A week ago today

    Gwenivere, Thank you for your response. I will continue to go to therapy but it’s hard when I feel like I should or want to go every day and there aren’t enough appointments. All I feel like is I don’t want to be alone. But I’ve been alone for about 10 years, and right now it just seems like I can’t do it. I’m alone now and all I want to do is cry. I really hope I find the right therapist. And you’re right, finding one who had also suffered loss is such a good idea. Thank you for your advise. How else do you cope with your anxiety, besides medication and therapy? I’ve never been a med person. I was prescribed Xanax but I never took it. And now I don’t think I ever will...
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