GATAF88

Hello, I just wanted to provide an update for everyone. My boyfriend and I have gotten back together since he initiated contact last month. It hasn't been easy though. There are days when everything seems perfect. He's back to his adorable loving self and I was very sure that we are going to be alright in time. However there are days where I feel the exact opposite and just want to give up and walk away from all this. He admitted that he went to a very dark place that time that we broke up. There are still a lot of things that we need to talk about. We're slowly going through these issues, one at a time. The first thing I discussed with him though were the drugs and he agreed and committed that this will stop. He hasn't been on any since we got back together. We are taking this one day at a time. I have realized that being back together is not the end goal here. There is still so much work cut out for us. I know we may never get back to how we used to be before. In time I hope, it will. Prayer and faith has been my source of strength in all this. I have also reached out to a bestfriend and my sister regarding my situation and this has helped a lot also. I will continue to provide more updates as they come.

Sometime around four months ago, my boyfriend was notified that he will be relocated (for work) just a few hours away from his hometown by next summer. It was going to be a bit more difficult for us to see each other but we were still very committed. His workload will also lessen significantly at this new post and he's going to be closer to his family. The pros outweighed the cons so we were really looking forward to this change. He was in the process of slowly selling all his assets (house, cars, etc.) when things got really stressful at work and all our problems started a few months later. Fastforward to now.... Five days into 100% NC, he texted me. He said that I shouldn't blame myself for what's going on because it's all his problem. It wasn't created by either of us and that it's just something that he has to deal with. As consistently advised on all the threads here, I continued to remain supportive, took cues from his words and actions, and avoided any relationship talk. He however constantly said that he loves me very much. Only during these times, I did say "I love you" back. We texted for a while, just catching up on things. He was opening up and clearly wanted to talk so I just let him. He said that he truly appreciates my love and support and that it means the world to him. He also said that he does want to talk soon. He mentioned that he's been so busy at work ever since he got back from home. He added that another stressful task was dropped on him the first day he got back. Aside from his upcoming relocation next summer, he was assigned another temporary job post this coming November. This post will take months to complete. So now, he has to immediately prepare for this new job post and at the same time, sell everything and pack up his whole life in a month. His work situation is also not showing any signs of slowing down any time soon. So yes, he is dealing with A LOT of stress right now. I remained supportive the entire time and I could feel that it helped him a lot, just being to talk to me about it. The next day, he texted me a simple "I love you". I replied back with a simple "I love you too". I didn't text him anymore after this, just to give him the space that needs to deal with his job. After a couple of days, he texted that he wants to see me tomorrow. I was flying to Chicago for work the next day so I asked him if he meant to meet me there or if he just wanted to video chat. He then said that he wish he could go but work was just too busy at the moment. We talked a bit more when I got to Chicago. He's being a bit more of himself now --- more affectionate, calling me by our terms of endearment, saying he misses me so much. He also said he feels awful about everything, how he handled it. That I was never the problem and that he's so sorry. The past few days have been quite emotional for me. I am glad that he is finally reaching out and opening up to me. At the same time, I'm also trying to deal with my own emotions. I miss him like crazy but I am also respecting his need for space. It hurts so much not being able to talk to him everyday but I have to deal with this pain on my own. I'm also trying my very best not expect or hope for anything as I know things can change quickly. What he says today can entirely change tomorrow. There's also that added stress of not being able to see him for the next coming months. He's going somewhere really far away, it's literally in the middle of nowhere. I can pretty much fly anywhere he gets assigned to, except for this one place. One thing I'm thankful for though is that he will have very limited, if not zero access to drugs and alcohol in this place. When he was stressing about this job post, I told him there may be a good purpose why he's being sent there. I would like to think that this is God's small push to help him get away from these bad coping mechanisms. I also believe that the solitude that this place will provide will help him greatly with his grieving process and allow him to move on properly. I am really trying to stay strong for him. It gives me comfort knowing that he finds some strength and support in me. I will be honest and say that there are days when I feel that I have nothing left to give. But I have been praying a lot these past weeks and have always found renewed strength and faith in this. I am taking care of myself despite everything that's been going on. I have been focusing on my studies, doing LOTS of exercise and staying busy with friends and family. All these help a lot in keeping me sane and grounded. I am also not initiating any contact with him unless he contacts me first. It's not 100% NC at the moment, but I am still trying to give him as much space as possible. I will continue to update you on any more changes. Please do let me know if there is anything else that I can do in this situation. Thank you once again for your support and guidance.

Marty, Kay and Rae, Thank you once again for your responses. I decided not to initiate any contact with him or his friends. I thought about it really well. Regardless if it was me or his friends who would try to intervene, it will still happen if he wants it to. We can't be watching over him 24/7. So yes, the NC stays. I went to mass yesterday. During the homily, the priest said that "we should not be so hard on ourselves". I'm starting to accept now that this is not my burden to bear. I can only do so much. He has to help himself first before anyone else can.

It seems like it's a lose-lose situation whichever action I take. I haven't done anything drastic yet, like contacting him or any of his friends. I'm just trying to process all these thoughts and emotions right now.

Regardless if I contact him or not, it will do no good... And if he's going to overdose again, I have no power to stop it. Doesn't matter what I do.... Is this really it?......

I just finished a session with my counselor. I don’t know what to do now….. I’m back to square 1. From reading all your insights, I was very motivated to really focus on myself during this time. 100% NC was definitely going to be enforced. I was going to stay busy and active. I had a plan. During my session with my counselor, I told her everything that has happened ever since the overdose. I told her that we haven’t spoken in 3 days and are essentially broken up at the moment. I told her that I was going to enforce the 100% NC for at least a month, if possible until 3 months and reassess from there. During this time, I was going to focus on myself and my healing. She then asked if anyone else knew about the overdose and/or his coping with drugs/alcohol. I told her that his family doesn’t know at all and they live 4 hours away from him. Knowing him, I am certain that he hasn’t told any of his friends either. He told me that none of his friends know about the overdose incident. I told her that he did meet with a therapist a couple of times and was planning to continue the sessions. However, I have no way to check right now if he is actually doing it or not. Then it then hit me, I am the only one who knows about this (except for the person who found him, and he’s completely unreliable). My counselor then asked me, how will I accept it if he overdoses again? I told her in that case, I’ll probably intervene regardless if he wants it or not and get him the help that he needs. Then she asked me, what if he overdoses and dies? I couldn’t answer and I just broke down. I couldn’t even bear the thought of it. She is very concerned as to how I am going to accept this if it does happen. She is also worried that my boyfriend is going through a “slow suicide” — that he’s slowly deteriorating through drugs/alcohol, and that he has no one to talk to about his problems, especially now that he pushed me out. Now, this is all I’m thinking about. I know we cannot save people, they have to save themselves. But I cannot just sit by and just let him do this right? He could literally kill himself the next time he does it. He refuses any kind of help from me, pushes me out of his life, refuses to ask for help from anyone else and admits that he will continue to turn to drugs/alcohol. I don't know if I should intervene now and just contact him, or should I wait a few more weeks. Or would waiting be more damaging? My counselor suggested that I reach out to one of his friends too. I will never forgive myself for not doing enough. I’ve never prayed so hard in my life as I am right now. Please. If anyone has any insights to this, I would greatly appreciate it.

This line got me crying..... It's been only three days and I am really struggling. I haven't contacted him or anything, I don't have problems with that all. I just miss him so much. I apologize if I keep on venting my frustrations out here. I am only able to talk about this with my counselor (I meet her only once a week) and this group. With everyone else -- I am still wearing this mask, pretending that everything is alright. I'm just not prepared to answer any questions yet. I am however meeting my #1 best friend tomorrow. I will probably talk to her about this, I trust her fully. She lost both her father and brother a few years back so I think she'll be able to provide some valuable insights to my situation too. Thank you KayC for your wise words. As always, they are such a big help to me. I am taking in as much as I can from all of you here.

KayC, this got me thinking... I stayed with my first boyfriend for eight years. I did EVERYTHING to save this relationship. He was an assh*le (sorry but he really was). When I finally found the strength to end it, the only thing I wished was that I ended it sooner.

It is day 3 of NC. I'm starting to figure out now that mornings are the hardest for me. When I wake up, this is when I feel the emptiest and the reality of the situation is hitting me the hardest. I guess this is because this is the time when we're usually doing our video calls. He's always the first to greet me good morning, every single day for the past two years. I had a dream about him. This is so hard.

Marty, Thank you so much for your heartfelt response. The truth can be painful indeed. I hope with it, I will learn some valuable lessons.

Rae, Trey and KayC, Thank you so much for your responses. Trey, yes I have read your thread and I am truly sorry that you had to go through that. Reading it was just like reading my own story. It's just shocking how similar all our situations are. I do appreciate your advice -- to take a step back now and just take care of myself. I agree, it is definitely easier said than done. But as someone who doesn't quit, I will get there somehow. Rae and KayC, it was quite painful to read your responses but I guess it was something that I needed to hear. His brother did not die from drugs, but in an accident. I completely agree though that my boyfriend's coping mechanism is unacceptable. I know this for a fact because I've witnessed what drugs can do to people. I lost my mom to drugs when I was 17. She did not die from it, but it felt like she did at that time. She abandoned me and my 3 younger siblings (the youngest was only 6 at that time) due to her addiction. I had to stop school to work and take care of my siblings. My dad completely broke down as a result of this. Seeing him like that broke me too. I have always looked up to him as I've always been a daddy's girl. Seeing him in such state had a very overwhelming effect on me, I will never forget that day. We almost lost him too to depression. We were able to save my dad with lots of love and support, it took years but we did it. My siblings I am proud to say, grew up to be emotionally grounded beings despite all the pain that we've endured through out the years. My mom's addiction however continued to torture my family for the next 11, 12 years (I lost count to be honest). I've always been responsible for someone since I was 17 --- my siblings, my dad, my mom, my friends to a point (they always come to me for guidance and support with their problems), my past relationships, my subordinates at work and now, my boyfriend. What you said KayC hit me, we can't save people. That's all I've been doing this past 15 years, saving whoever needs saving. And when I'm unable to do that, I feel like I have failed them, consequently I have failed myself too. It goes back to my mom. I tried so hard to save her. I cannot put into words how much I tried. And failing to save her continues to torment me to this day. I am currently seeing a counselor although this issue hasn't been discussed with her yet. I will definitely bring it up on our next session. My mind is a bit clearer now (thanks to all your responses). I know now that grief is NOT an excuse. It is still a process, there will still be days that I will doubt myself but again, it is something that I will be working on. I am taking care of myself --- hanging out with my friends, studying (finishing my degree -- 1.5 years to go!), got back to running (I am a serious runner but stopped it during the the past couple of months due to all this). One good thing I get out of my stubbornness is that I always stand my ground. It would not be easy, but I will definitely be able to uphold the 100% no contact. For now, I will just take it one day at a time. Again, I truly appreciate your support.

KayC and Rae, Thank you so much for your insights. I helps a lot to hear that this is probably not entirely my fault. KayC, I read the thread that you posted on your reply. It's heartbreaking. But I can't help but think though... At least this man has tried everything, he did everything right. When he looks back to this relationship, he will have no regrets knowing that he did everything that he could. There are no "what if's". In my case, I'm just haunted by all my actions, thinking if I did this or didn't do this, things would've turned out differently. To some extent I guess, it is still MY fault this has happened. Yes, he is still essentially responsible for his own actions but as we have read again and again in this group, grief can just be so powerful that they have no way of fighting it. Especially in my boyfriend's case, he suppressed his grief for 6 months until the pressure (from work, from me) just got to him and he pretty much just went nuclear. Although I completely agree that alcohol and drugs are never the solution, but in his case this was the only available and easy option that he thinks he has at the moment. I have always believed that I have kept him grounded and he constantly says that too. Now that I am not in his life, I'm just so afraid that it might take a turn for the worse. I can never forgive myself if ever anything were to happen to him. Tomorrow is his first day back at work (he went home to his family for 2 weeks after the overdose). I am so worried how he's going to handle the pressure. Before the NC, he told me he doesn't even want to think about it because of the amount of workload that will be waiting for him when he gets back. He works in a very highly stressful environment and unfortunately, there is this "macho" mentality surrounding it too. Expressing any type of emotional distress or seeking for help is not something that is normally shown in their line of work. They do have in-house therapists and counselors, and he did go to see one last June (which I forgot to previously mention). The therapist said that he should come back. He never did until after the overdose. From what I got from him, it looks like he's going to continue his sessions once he's back at work. Hopefully, he really does that. I've been reading my last few conversations with him and the recurring points were this -- He loves me so much but he doesn't want me to be burdened with his problems; and that I deserve much, much better. He just seems to think so poorly of himself now that he feels that he does not deserve to have me in his life. I kept on reminding him that he is not a bad person and that he's just been dealt with a bad situation. He's always been a very confident and well-rounded man, one of the many qualities that made me fall in love with him. Seeing him act like this is just so heartbreaking. And the fact that he won't allow me to help him, just makes me feel even more helpless. I know that I shouldn't settle for less. People who turn to alcohol or drugs and run away from me during tough times are not worth fighting for. But with grief, it's a totally different story right? To a certain point, they cannot control anymore what's going on in their lives. I have my own flaws too, I can be very unreasonable and stubborn and really a lot to handle at times yet my boyfriend has stuck with me through it all. Wouldn't it be fair to him for me to do the same this time around? I know I cannot wait forever (and I definitely will not) but I can at least give it a few months right? I am in no position anyway to even consider dating at this point. Rae, you're right. His actions could be a result of deeper issues. He definitely has some behaviors that need to be addressed. But then again, no one is perfect too. I'm not, yet he still stood by me. Knowing the way I know him and our how relationship was, I just feel that this is still worth fighting for. I have never been a quitter (I don't know if that's always a good thing), I just want to know with 100% certainty that before I close this chapter of my life, that I have done everything that I could to save this. KayC and Rae, I am in no way being unreceptive of your insights. I can be stubborn at times and refuse to see other perspectives aside from my own. I admit that this is something that I am trying to work on. I truly and sincerely appreciate the support that I am getting from here and it has brought me so much comfort already. I am new to this and am already learning so much from all of you.

Hello, I’ve been reading and re-reading all the posts in this group over the past few days. I wish I could turn back time and done this 6 months ago. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. The timing was perfect when we first met, we’re both in our early 30’s, both well-established in our respective careers and had much pretty much stable and grounded lives. I could never put into words how beautiful our love story was. We were so similar yet different in many ways, the chemistry was through the roof and we complemented each other so well. We were just so full of love for each other. We both have never been so happy. Of course, there were challenges. We were in a LDR, 8,500 miles apart to be exact. We’ve only been dating for 2 months when he had to move back to his city. At first, the distance was overwhelming. We however committed to making this work. We survived most of the year on Skype calls, constant texts and calls and lots of love, patience and commitment. I was fortunate to have the privilege of being able to fly out to see him once or twice every month. I know of LDR couples who don’t see each other for months, and this makes me really thankful and appreciative of my blessings. Being able to be physically with him every month helped so much. Moreover, he was then able to request for a job relocation to my city during the latter part of year. That was a God send and really helped our relationship progress. His contract ended last March and he again had to move back to his country. At that time, our relationship was already very grounded that going into LDR again was something we weren’t very worried about anymore. We also already have discussed our future plans. I was going to quit my job next year and move with him. We were going to move back to his hometown, get married and start a family. It was a fairy tale come true. I was so happy I was so scared that something bad will eventually happen. And it did. Just a day before he was supposed to fly back, he got a call from his mom. There’s been an accident and his younger brother died. He completely broke down in front of me. I would never forget that night. He cried a few tears here and there when we had big arguments in the past, but never like this. It broke my heart to see him like this. And worse, I didn’t know what to do. After the shock has settled in a bit, I helped him booked the first flight out to his hometown. I couldn’t go with him due to work and I felt that it would be best for him to be able to focus fully on his family during this time. Through out the entire week leading up to the funeral, we have been in constant contact. I tried my best to be there for him, despite the distance. The two months after his brother’s death, he turned solely to me for support and motivation. I flew out to him a few times to ensure I’m able to really be there for him. He went about life like nothing has happened. I tried to get him to talk about his brother but he said that this was how he deals with grief, he doesn’t talk about it. So I stopped, I wish I didn’t. I wish I did more at this point. He thought about seeing a counselor. I encouraged him to do so, but he never talked about it again. Again, I wished I did more. The third month after his brother’s death, things started going downhill. The communication started getting inconsistent, he was missing our skype call dates, not replying for hours in time, those kinds of issues. Being in an LDR, these things are VERY important. We started fighting a lot. We fought about stupid things, thinking about it now - communication issues, trust and fidelity, commitment to the relationship. We would always eventually talk and make up of course. Last July, I stayed with him for a couple of weeks. We had fun and it was good to be together for a period longer than a few days. I was hoping that this vacation would help us get back on track. It didn’t. It got worse the month after. It got really busy and stressful at his workplace that month. He was working 16 hour shifts and weekends, and the pressure placed on him was just too much. To make matters worse, we just kept on fighting even more because the communication at this point was not what it used to be anymore. However, I flew in to see him that month and we were able to patch things up. He said he was very grateful for having me through all this. I told myself, we were going to make it through this. It’s just the distance that’s making us fight all the time. When we’re together, everything’s going to be alright. I was so wrong. He started turning to heavy drinking and drugs the last couple of weeks of August. I was calling him one night and he didn’t pick up. I got so mad that we didn’t speak for two weeks. I then initiated communication and texted him, asking him that we need to talk. He didn’t reply and so after a few days, I sent him an email. He texted me the next day saying he doesn’t know where to begin. That night that I was calling him, he overdosed and was rushed to the hospital. He felt so ashamed and depressed that he couldn’t bare to face me. We talked and cried this whole time. I told him that he should’ve told me sooner, that I wasn’t mad and that all I want is for him to alright. He kept on saying that he was so sorry, that not talking to me has killed him but there was no else to blame but himself. I told him that we will get through this together. We committed to help each other in this entire process. He promised to do better as well in opening up and talking about what he was feeling and thinking. Things were okay the next week and then we had another fight. We were in constant communication through text but I felt like he was trying to avoid talking to me face-to-face (Skype). I got upset, the fight started and then I brought up this stupid issue about his overuse of Snapchat. So stupid and shallow of me. We broke up at that time through text. We didn’t talk for one day. I then stumbled on this group and read a few of the posts. I couldn’t believe how similar the situations were. I then proceeded to text him apologizing for my actions. I promised that I will be a better partner to him from this point on and that I will doing anything and everything to help him through this process. He then replied saying that he will figure this out on his own. He said that he has never loved anyone as much as he loves me, but the timing and situation is just too much. He said that he’s going to crawl into a hole for next couple of months, that he won’t be checking in daily, disappear for hours in time, get drunk and do drugs. He said that I deserve better than that. I told him that I will support him through this, that everything takes a backseat now (including us) and that we fully focus on him and his healing now. He said that he will not be able to give me what I needed any time soon and that a relationship isn’t anywhere in the near future for him. I asked him if he did really love me, he said he does, that he loves me so much that it hurts so bad. We weren’t really able to properly finish the conversation at this point because his flight was about to take off. The last text I sent him was that I love him, I will wait for him and that he takes all the time that he needs to get himself back up. As I waited for his flight to land, I started reading more posts in this group. I started to realize how ignorant, insensitive and selfish I have been to him through out this 6 months. I only thought of MY issues and MY frustrations. Yes, he was in denial of his brother’s death and did not get to properly grieve at all. But I was also in denial of it. I pretended it never happened too. I expected everything to be back as it was but it’s not. Of course he will change, the communication will change, his mood will change, everything will change. I took that all personally and attacked him for being “less committed” to our relationship. I constantly demanded him to talk and discuss our relationship problems when I should’ve encouraged him to talk more about his brother and his feelings surrounding it. He stayed with me after his brother died. He stayed with me through all the fights despite going through such a tragic event. I got several chances to make this right with him. I took that all for granted. And now he’s really gone. His plane landed, he just read my message but did not reply back. That night, I sent him one last text. I said I was sorry for all my part in this, that I realized now that my actions were selfish and insensitive. I told him that I would respect his need for space and time to heal and that he should focus solely on himself now. I also said that I will always be here for him and that I’m just a text away. I didn’t expect him to reply back, he did not. So this is day 1. I feel so numb. I haven’t really cried yet. It’s like I don’t feel that this is final yet. Our conversation was cut short and I feel like this is not it. I know I’m probably still in denial and it would probably sink in soon. Right now, I just feel so much so guilt and regret because I feel like this is all my fault. I SHOULD’VE DONE BETTER. I should’ve done my due research on how to properly deal with grief. If I did, I would’ve been there to properly support him and we wouldn’t have ended up like this. I was so selfish and just thought of myself. I know from most of the posts here that I should not hope for him to come back and just move on with my life. I’ll be honest and say that at the moment, I can’t and I won’t. I am still hoping that we will be able to get through this. We’ve just been through so much together, this can’t be it. I guess for now, I’ll just take it one day at a time. All our communication lines are still open and unblocked from both ends. I will however respect his need for space and keep the “no contact”. I think we need the space too really, to breathe and just clear our heads. These last couple of weeks have been really emotionally draining for the both of us. I am very grateful to have found this group. I haven’t told anyone yet about this as I am afraid that I might just break down and never stop crying. This is the first time that I have really talked about it, and I feel much better already. I will keep on posting updates, if there is any. I would greatly appreciate any advice and insights on my situation. Your words provide such comfort and inspiration to everyone here. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.