I didn't see an introductory topic so I will jump right in. It has only been less than a month and a half, I know it takes time. At the end of January this year, my husband said he was going to have a second CT scan, because he had pnemonia. That day my brother took him, it turned out he had a lung biopsy. My brother told me that afternoon. I knew something wasn't right. He had cancer, he couldn't bare to tell me. I told him, he should have told me. I blame that on myself because he knew how I would be. He was trying to spare me in his way. The last text I got from him said, I love you bunches... He ended up having a few Chemo treatments, then they found brain and bone cancer in his neck where he had arthritis, 2 weeks later.. He had horrible headaches for years but had gotten worse over the last 2 years from his arthritic neck. I wonder now. On the 8th he went to hospital, he was having trouble breathing, he got my flu and got pnemonia again he found out in hospital. I stayed away from him and he still got it. He told me it wasn't my fault in texts, no, I don't blame myself, but I stayed away from him and didn't even get to hug him or be near him. He recognized me for a few minutes in ICU, he was so drugged because of the pain. I can't get the memory of him in hospital and his condition out of my head. We had to let him go the 15th. It seemed I was doing pretty good considering, but the last few days it's like I just took many steps back. I try to take it one day at a time, I know where he is and I will see him again, he wrote on a scrap of paper in hospital, it was in his belongings, he knew where he was going and it comforted him. I have been getting anxious again, when I found out he had cancer, it was utter panic. Panic I tried to hide. He was perceptive, He was so worried about me he also wrote, many times. We were married 21 years, I am disabled from polio, he and I were crazy about each other. He told me every day he loved me and I him. He made me cookies at 4 in the morning a week before he went to hospital. He was restless and he baked. I am experiencing many different emotions, except for anger, there is no one to be angry at, maybe myself or Drs that kill his immune system and send him home. I don't know quite what to think of that yet. Maybe anger will come, maybe not. I knew I was going to lose him, but not so quick and not the way I did. The radiation affected his sight and hearing, it is like he was lost. He was afraid. It rips at my heart. He died on my dads would be 84th birthday and it reminded me of my dads death In a hospital, just different illness. He said Dr was sure he could eliminate it, the cancer. We had agreed years ago, no treatment for cancer if it was futile. We saw what it did to his sister, she died despite the treatment and treatment was devastating to to her. Drs don't say that which I found out the morning the hospital called me and told me of the inevitable. The choice was a respirator, surgery and some after care home, possibly with no chance of removal from respirator or maybe they find a lung full of cancer or we just let him go. I knew he would not want to live like that. I don't regret that decision. I thought I had gotten over the worst of it, by that I mean, it hurt but it was starting to get more bearable. but I am not. He is not suffering and that was the worst part of it, seeing him like that. I have to believe it is a normal grief process. I didn't cry everyday, I do now. I feel like my heart is breaking all over again. I wonder what emotions are next and will I be able to cope with what comes. A day at a time is the way to deal with it, but so very hard. I have to find a way to go on without him, for him, I owe it to him, but how I don't know. I am learning that some people can't deal with someone who is grieving, I keep trying to be as ok seeming as possible. I think it reminds them of how fragile life is and it could be them one day. When asked, how are you doing? I say fine or I am ok and some days I am not fine...Nothing can be said to comfort a person who grieves, but just listening is important. If I missed an instruction thread, I am sorry.
I didn't see an introductory topic so I will jump right in. It has only been less than a month and a half, I know it takes time. At the end of January this year, my husband said he was going to have a second CT scan, because he had pnemonia. That day my brother took him, it turned out he had a lung biopsy. My brother told me that afternoon. I knew something wasn't right. He had cancer, he couldn't bare to tell me. I told him, he should have told me. I blame that on myself because he knew how I would be. He was trying to spare me in his way. The last text I got from him said, I love you bunches... He ended up having a few Chemo treatments, then they found brain and bone cancer in his neck where he had arthritis, 2 weeks later.. He had horrible headaches for years but had gotten worse over the last 2 years from his arthritic neck. I wonder now. On the 8th he went to hospital, he was having trouble breathing, he got my flu and got pnemonia again he found out in hospital. I stayed away from him and he still got it. He told me it wasn't my fault in texts, no, I don't blame myself, but I stayed away from him and didn't even get to hug him or be near him. He recognized me for a few minutes in ICU, he was so drugged because of the pain. I can't get the memory of him in hospital and his condition out of my head. We had to let him go the 15th. It seemed I was doing pretty good considering, but the last few days it's like I just took many steps back. I try to take it one day at a time, I know where he is and I will see him again, he wrote on a scrap of paper in hospital, it was in his belongings, he knew where he was going and it comforted him. I have been getting anxious again, when I found out he had cancer, it was utter panic. Panic I tried to hide. He was perceptive, He was so worried about me he also wrote, many times. We were married 21 years, I am disabled from polio, he and I were crazy about each other. He told me every day he loved me and I him. He made me cookies at 4 in the morning a week before he went to hospital. He was restless and he baked. I am experiencing many different emotions, except for anger, there is no one to be angry at, maybe myself or Drs that kill his immune system and send him home. I don't know quite what to think of that yet. Maybe anger will come, maybe not. I knew I was going to lose him, but not so quick and not the way I did. The radiation affected his sight and hearing, it is like he was lost. He was afraid. It rips at my heart. He died on my dads would be 84th birthday and it reminded me of my dads death In a hospital, just different illness. He said Dr was sure he could eliminate it, the cancer. We had agreed years ago, no treatment for cancer if it was futile. We saw what it did to his sister, she died despite the treatment and treatment was devastating to to her. Drs don't say that which I found out the morning the hospital called me and told me of the inevitable. The choice was a respirator, surgery and some after care home, possibly with no chance of removal from respirator or maybe they find a lung full of cancer or we just let him go. I knew he would not want to live like that. I don't regret that decision. I thought I had gotten over the worst of it, by that I mean, it hurt but it was starting to get more bearable. but I am not. He is not suffering and that was the worst part of it, seeing him like that. I have to believe it is a normal grief process. I didn't cry everyday, I do now. I feel like my heart is breaking all over again. I wonder what emotions are next and will I be able to cope with what comes. A day at a time is the way to deal with it, but so very hard. I have to find a way to go on without him, for him, I owe it to him, but how I don't know. I am learning that some people can't deal with someone who is grieving, I keep trying to be as ok seeming as possible. I think it reminds them of how fragile life is and it could be them one day. When asked, how are you doing? I say fine or I am ok and some days I am not fine...Nothing can be said to comfort a person who grieves, but just listening is important. If I missed an instruction thread, I am sorry.
