themermaidgoddess

On 10/14/2019 at 3:43 PM, kayc said:

Good for you!  And you've gotten this a lot faster than most of us, I'm glad!  I wish you the best...I hope you'll drop in sometime in the future and let us know how it's going.

Gosh it's been about 4 years, so I'll kinda recap. The last half of high school kinda sucked cause of that whole mess (also COVID happened boo!) but it made me into who I am today. I look back and I see how much I've changed and how that time really shaped me. I realized that I was a kid and that in the end I was naive (I hated when people told me that haha) and that it was never going to go anywhere after that. I also realized that a lot of what he did when we were together was abusive, so I'm glad he didn't come back like I had thought (boy did I say that a lot on here). I went to college, found out I love social work. Been dating someone now for about a year ( and hopefully moving in together soon!). I never did visit his Dad's grave though and you know, I don't think I ever will.

I do want to say this forum has always been on my mind, often really. It actually got me to take a death and dying class and afterwards intern with hospice for about 6 months (I finished last month) and that put perspective on the ways we grieve, and how grief is a very very wide range. It was just very eye opening experience. It made me think about my short time on here, and all the people who gave me wonderful support.

It's been about a month, things are going ok, I'm starting to talk to some people and I've taken up running to ease my mind a bit. 

Some days I'm ok and I can take on the world.

Other days I start right back at square one, getting upset and trying my hardest not to cry. 

But right now it just feels like I've gone completely numb thinking about it over and over I think. Like I think about what happened and I go "yeah, that happened I guess."

But I think the best piece of advice I can give to anyone and myself is to try to do as many activities (big or small), to get your mind off of it I suppose.

On 11/3/2019 at 7:11 AM, Vanush said:

She is a great girl and I feel amazing around her, experiencing a chemistry that is unmatched, it just feels right. However, I feel so tentative about many things: firstly, we have been dating for 3 months and she doesn’t feel ready to be “in a relationship” yet, despite wanting to spend all her time with me and doesn’t wanna see other people.

I think the "not ready thing" is a red flag. Sometimes we want to anything for the power of love. We'd give up everything for this one person. AND that's amazing but...

Would she do the same for you?

Her saying she's not ready could mean maybe not being ready to go all in. I tend to think that when people say they aren't ready they do hurt people.

Listen to your brain and your gut. Not your heart.

That's all I can really give, best of luck to you!

On 10/10/2019 at 10:34 PM, Rae1991 said:

This is fantastic. Begging for forgiveness, especially in this context, is not necessary.

Giving him space and respecting his boundaries does not guarantee he or his family will show you respect. As stated previously, do not beg for these things. They will either respect you, or they won't, don't hope that they will or think you deserve it from them, because then you're still hoping they will give you something that you may never receive. I completely understand, when my ex Tim ghosted me twice after his dad died suddenly, I felt I deserved (and he owed me) respect from him and an apology for his behavior. I never got either, and for a while, was hung up on it, and it stopped me from moving forward with my life and getting over him, I was waiting for a day that would never come because deep down, I didn't want to accept that it really was over.

No contact may do those things for you, but there is no guarantee time apart will make him rehash his relationship with you and own up to what he did wrong. It never happened with Tim, and I haven't spoken to him in 4 years. I am glad I haven't heard from him because it showed me who he truly was, and that he wasn't sorry. As painful as that realization was, it was a turning point.

It is okay to want to get back together, because you love him. But, don't hold out hope that you will, and don't just go running back to him like nothing happened. I made that mistake the first time with Tim because I was confused, and still in love with him. I don't recommend running blind.

--Rae 😊

Thank you so much both of you!

I've mostly gotten over him for good. There all small moments where I miss him but they fade quickly. I think it's best for me not to wait. Because the only thing that does is hurts me in the process. I don't learn that way. I've gone from "I'd do anything to get him back why me?!" to "This is over, I have to accept it and move on.". I mostly think this had to happen cause I really had to find myself. I've learned to forgive myself and love myself. Cause, you guys are right. One apology is enough. Forgiving myself is just as important as him forgiving me.

Instead of depending on THEM for things. I think the most reliable person is myself right now that's who I'm depending on right now (and my family).

If he were to come back there would be a lot of talking before hand. And I don't think it will happen because he never liked to sit down and talk so honestly, I"m over it. Instead of begging for him back because he may have made me happy once upon a time. I need to make myself happy now. 

I'm not changing for him anymore, it's all for me and the people around me.

1 hour ago, kayc said:

You had a relationship with his dad, I don't see anything wrong with going and making your peace with him, if the family isn't there.  I'd give it longer than a month for no contact, but don't reconnect thinking you'll get back together, it's important to respect his decisions.  To try and do something to make him get back with you is a form of manipulation, not respect.  I know you don't want to hear that but it's the truth.  

More like I want to change in a positive way and show him that I deserve a new chance as the new me. I'm not going to say "it's what your Dad would want" "you owe me it", not that kind of thing.

But the no-contect approach gives time to notice the good things, figure out what we both did wrong and grieve his Dad. I feel like in that way I should get respect because I'm letting him be.

I know it's bad to say that I want to get back with him as soon as the no-contact period is over. But that's how I feel. But you're right I do have to respect him.

On 9/30/2019 at 10:57 AM, kayc said:

Chances are small that you'll run into someone, try going on a weekday.

I just thinking that maybe he wouldn't have probably wanted me there...

On 9/30/2019 at 8:37 AM, themermaidgoddess said:

It's sucks though, I keep seeing him in my dreams and I saw a photo from a mutual friend and he looked happy. I still keep getting that sixth sense feeling and I don't know if I should trust my intuition or not.

Still haven't went to his Dad's grave cause I feel like I"m going to see someone there and it's going to start something and I really really don't want that to happen.

I've read many many many articles on how to get someone you love back and a lot of them say to do the "no-contact" approach for a month (maybe even longer), but I know I have to give him time to grieve as well. 

It's sucks though because I get a lot of dirty looks wherever I go at school now. I've made his family so upset, I just don't know what I did so wrong. I think they'll forgive me someday hopefully.

22 hours ago, kayc said:

Good for you!

It's sucks though, I keep seeing him in my dreams and I saw a photo from a mutual friend and he looked happy. I still keep getting that sixth sense feeling and I don't know if I should trust my intuition or not.

Still haven't went to his Dad's grave cause I feel like I"m going to see someone there and it's going to start something and I really really don't want that to happen.

On 9/27/2019 at 8:37 AM, kayc said:

I'd get a real counselor.  I wouldn't trust her with anything.

No.  When he first made contact I got my hopes up because of how he was acting but then he was yanking me around emotionally all over the place so I put a wall around my heart.  It's a good thing I did, he didn't know what he wanted.

Give yourself time to have some clarity, it takes a while for the emotion to die down and see clearly.  Right now it's clouded with feelings.  Feelings aren't always a good barometer.

I would proceed as if you're broken up (you are).  Sometimes we have to make our own closure. Harder, yes, but it can be done, I've done it, more than once.

 

Most of the feelings have died down. My emotions say that it's over but something in my gut is telling me it's not. 

Right now I'm focusing on me. What I need to do to make myself better. So if he comes around (or maybe somebody else will who knows?) I am a better version of who I was. I just feel like he's the one that got away.

But life isn't like romance movies where you get closure all of the time. And that's ok. I just gotta keep going. Because there is a me without him.

On 9/13/2019 at 9:31 AM, KylaB said:

I just thought I’d update/seek some more advice. It’s been about 3 months since my ex left me, and since then things were tension filled between us, although we severed all ties of direct communication during the breakup. Yesterday I got the text I’ve been long anticipating... but by this time around Im just not sure if I feel completely the same. For months he left me in the blind and acted cold towards me, and I was left to just wonder why the hell he was acting this way to me. So now he’s back... saying he loves me, wishes we could start over, using what happened to our friend as the reason why he did what he did to me... etc. People are telling me don’t be so quick to let him back in and I agree... but part of me does wish things could be the same but I just have a feeling they won’t be. And i’m not sure I trust him anymore enough to give him my heart... I don’t know what to do.

It's not fair he treated you like that, I say you let him understand that he put you through that pain. Cause things can't go back to the start. No matter how hard you wish they could. Trust your gut.

Grief sucks but that does not mean that you should hurt the person you love.

Maybe you guys could talk it out in a counseling session?

22 hours ago, kayc said:

Still, confidence is imperative in her position.

She's something else. I told her I didn't really want her to ask for his forgiveness but she insisted. It really opened up my emotional wound and didn't help that his family was grieving the loss of somebody important.

I still keep getting the sixth sense feeling that he will come back, I don't know if it's intuition. Did you get that with your ex? 

I see him in my dreams and its not helping very much. It doesn't hurt more or less just makes me want him more. 

I think him breaking up with me had to happen for a reason, I've made friends, I've found myself and I'm learning things everyday, life really isn't fair but you have to keep going because laying down and not getting back up does nothing for me or the people around me.

But I want him back. Maybe he needs to see how good he had it with me. I'm not sure. But my counselor (not our school one) says that I shouldn't wait, move on as if he's not coming back. She said "It's better to be pleasantly surprised than negatively surprised.". I have to understand that sometimes we don't get closure and I should treat it as such. Even if he does come back. I just need to let him and his family heal. I hear "time heals all wounds" and I hope it's true.

8 minutes ago, kayc said:

I am surprised the counselor would tell you what he's said, she shouldn't convey anything without permission.

Sometimes we don't get the luxury of closure and have to do that ourselves, harder but not impossible.  

Yes. (((hugs)))

Have you tried going to a spiritual advisor for help?  Listen, it's okay to pour our hearts out to God, but listening is all the more valuable once spent.  

She works at our school so she's not really a "counselor"

What exactly do you mean by spiritual advisor? I'm pushing for my grandma to take me to a psychic fair to get answers from the higher above.

I still have that gut feeling, is it just false hope? A lot of people tell me he might come around so hopefully he does...

Every article I've seen is just "make them wait" kind of stuff.

1 hour ago, themermaidgoddess said:

I'm absolutely destroyed again. She said that he and his step-mom said he's done. I feel like theirs no hope now.

I just don't know what I did so bad that they ALL hate me you know? I just need an explanation more than anything.

I keep seeing articles to let your ex wait, to see how good you are. I don't know if that would work. Maybe be less needy. I don't know. 

I need to focus on myself and making myself better. Maybe he'll remember the good times. I'm trying to turn to a greater power for answers and I'm not getting much.

I'm absolutely destroyed again. She said that he and his step-mom said he's done. I feel like theres no hope now.

6 hours ago, kayc said:

What does your counselor think?

She said it's a good idea but only if he wants to come.

He's blocked me on everything so needless to say I can't do much.

I've made my bed, so I kinda have to lay in it.

Our guidance counselor is going to calling hours today and wants to tell him that I want to talk it out. So hopefully he at least wants to do that.

I'm taking responsibility for my actions which is not what a lot kids my age can brag about.

The pain isn't there anymore but I still miss him you know? Despite all of this I love him unconditionally snd want to work it out.

I keep having this gut feeling it will I don't know.

The other night I felt a soft presence on my shoulder while I was crying. I feel like its his Dad's way of telling me he forgives me. It felt so much like one of his Dad's hugs (oh how I miss them, I miss his Dad so much.)

Our guidance counselor said that he said he didn't feel supported and I see it now. I just wish he had told me. I really want to fix this. But if not I know I'll be at peace someday.

I want invite him to one of my counseling sessions but I don't know if that would help.

On 9/20/2019 at 10:32 AM, kayc said:

Hon, Try not to be so hard on yourself.  All of life is a learning experience, if we let it be, and so none of it is wasted.  I was one who got broken up with by my fiance of a year, when his mom was dying.  After a few months of no contact, he reconnected but as friends.  I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who would break up with me when things were rough because if there's one guarantee in life, it's that we WILL face loved ones dying, things being hard, in life.  I'd rather have a partner that would go through thick and thin with me.  That's nothing against him, he is how he is, just that he'd not right for ME.  Your response was natural, and you didn't know how grief hits people...in our society, most people do NOT know until the experience it themselves, and each loss/grief is different, just as each of us experience it uniquely.

Two people have died in the last year we've been together, he's lost three major people in the last couple years. His Grandpa and his Dad. I think he just thinks that so many people close to him get hurt. I think he wants me to push him away you know?

I think he just needs to sort out things in counseling, and so do I.

He's even told me this too. And I think me getting mad about him not calling me enough was just kind of a way in his mind to think that you know, "push her away, you there's your chance", I think maybe someday he'll miss me. 

14 hours ago, kayc said:

One sincere apology covers it.  Tell them if you haven't, tell him at his grave, but once is sufficient, it's not necessary to beg for forgiveness, they'll grant it or they won't, that's up to them.  Just continue as you are, learn from your mistakes and let it help you grow, that's the best you can do with it.  We ALL make mistakes.  There is no penance that will suffice with some people.  Anger is pain-based, so that's what prompted it.  Treating yourself with kindness and forgiveness will go a long ways in soothing your own feelings.  

It's so hard to love myself when I'm so angry at myself and all of the damage I've caused. I want so badly want to fix this and I can't. I can't picture myself with anybody else, but at the same time I'm sure he's picturing himself with somebody better.

I can barely eat, when I sleep I dream about is the good times we could've had if I hadn't done this. And when I'm awake all I hear is the words his Dad told me over and over. I hear that time heals all wounds and I hope it's right.

I'm so mentally jumbled. I keep studying for my permit test so I can get my license and this can work when he does come around. His Dad's cancer just was a bump in the road and he went off to college three hours away so it strained our really really strong relationship. His Mom also took his car for the semester.

I don't know if anybody got this huge gut feeling when they went through this but I feel it in my gut that we will get back together. Like somebody is telling me that maybe he and his family will come around when they heal. His Dad loved me unconditionally and I think he would've forgave me eventually. It's like a sixth sense. Maybe it's his Dad telling me that he knows it's going to work out. Maybe it's god, maybe it's me and I'm going crazy.

I need to let them heal, I know they just lost somebody incredibly close to them that was so so important. And when that happens you're angry at the world for no reason and sometimes you need an outlet for anger and I'm kinda perfect for that right now.

Somewhere inside of me, I think his Dad knew that I'm suffering cause of this too. And I hope and I pray that he knows I feel bad that my anger got the best of me. I kick myself everyday. I really hope up in heaven his Dad is pain-free, giving god a hard time and knows that I didn't mean to put his family through this. I don't want attention, far from it. That's why I'm here and not on Facebook complaining about me ex's family. Because there is so much I could say about how they treated me. But I won't.

We both did things wrong and I think he needs to get his head on straight with the grieving and realize that he did things wrong too.

I learned so much, mostly about myself. How to be alone by myself and that you don't get closure sometimes. And that you have to forgive and forget no matter what somebody has done to you. This situation brought me closer to god too. And how you can't rely on somebody completely.

9 minutes ago, themermaidgoddess said:

The last words I heard his Dad tell me is "You are the kindest person I know, keep my son happy" and I guess from what his sister's friend said he was not happy with me before he passed. They asked me to take down all of the social media posts that I made of his Dad cause it was "selfish", but thats how I grieve.

I burned his stuff out of pure anger snd I wish I hadn't.

I didn't follow through with what he told me ho do and that haunts me. I want so badly to fix this and I can't. I want so badly just to talk this out face to face. 

I've screwed up so bad that theres nothing I can do.

Her friend also told me he was so upset I shouldn't even bother to go.

I'm probably going a day after the funeral, buying so flowers and going to his grave to tell him I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for all the pain I caused him, his family, his son.

I pray every night to god I tell him to tell his Dad that I'm sorry I didn't live up to what he told me.

To help my ex's family grieve and that if I deserve it, that he bring him a little step closer to me everyday.

14 hours ago, kayc said:

You're right, you DON'T need to hear that.  Tell them to offer you something positive and you'll listen, you don't need kicked, you're doing that yourself.

Could you maybe slip in to the funeral a couple minutes late and sit in the back?  I know he meant a lot to you.

Try practicing loving yourself, even if you don't FEEL it, start by showing/doing it, it's a positive.

The last words I heard his Dad tell me is "You are the kindest person I know, keep my son happy" and I guess from what his sister's friend said he was not happy with me before he passed. They asked me to take down all of the social media posts that I made of his Dad cause it was "selfish", but thats how I grieve.

I burned his stuff out of pure anger snd I wish I hadn't.

I didn't follow through with what he told me ho do and that haunts me. I want so badly to fix this and I can't. I want so badly just to talk this out face to face. 

I've screwed up so bad that theres nothing I can do.

56 minutes ago, kayc said:

It's definitely a lesson in restraint.    Right now it'd be really good to focus on you and your life.  We can't control what others decide or do, only how we'll respond.

When my husband passed away, I learned to try to stay in today and appreciate the good that is, no matter how small and to not compare to what is no longer, to just appreciate the small joys that are.

It's so hard to love myself, all of his sister's friends are telling me I'm the bad guy and I am but I don't need to keep being told that. They're already kicking me while I'm down and I just wanna get back up you know?

I am trying so hard to find joys in the small things but its so hard. He was a big source of my happiness.

I keep hoping this is a nightmare.

I can't even go to his Dad's funeral cause I made his family so upset.

3 hours ago, kayc said:

Hon, Try not to be so hard on yourself.  All of life is a learning experience, if we let it be, and so none of it is wasted.  I was one who got broken up with by my fiance of a year, when his mom was dying.  After a few months of no contact, he reconnected but as friends.  I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who would break up with me when things were rough because if there's one guarantee in life, it's that we WILL face loved ones dying, things being hard, in life.  I'd rather have a partner that would go through thick and thin with me.  That's nothing against him, he is how he is, just that he'd not right for ME.  Your response was natural, and you didn't know how grief hits people...in our society, most people do NOT know until the experience it themselves, and each loss/grief is different, just as each of us experience it uniquely.

Right now you are undoubtedly grieving the loss of your ex.  Be patient and understanding of yourself, be your own best friend.  It's hard to go through, painful!  During this time it can help to keep busy with family/friends and activities we enjoy.  I remember how clean my house got when my ex broke up with me!  Yes it'd help if people could take a break and have some space rather than breaking up, but some wouldn't feel comfortable with that anyway, hindsight is always clearer.

Word of caution:  When my ex first reconnected with me, he was all over the place with his feelings and it quickly became apparent that he didn't know his own mind.  He was yanking me around emotionally, without meaning to, and it was having disastrous effects on me.  I realized he didn't know his own mind, and I listened to him but tried not to let it affect me so much.  He'd say "I love you" and then not contact me for two weeks.  As friends, expectation is different so as not to feel so much of a letdown.  

I've forgotten all of the activities I used to enjoy... his Dad just died and I've pushed him and his family so far away with my paragraphs about how I missed my best friend that they didn't even tell me. I got so mad that I burned his stuff and called him crazy so I think needless to say he wont contact me again...

I miss his Dad so much honestly, his Dad used to always give him such good relationship advice. I keep crying and praying to god (I haven't done it in years) asking for him to bring my best friend back. He told me we were never getting back together. I just keep wishing this is all one big nightmare, every morning I pinch myself asking for god to change how things are. I know it's a learning experience but I don't want this one...

I'm up and down a lot, I seem ok and then I get so sad that all I feel is pain in my chest and I can't seem to be happy no matter how hard I try. I so badly want to turn to him and cry on his shoulder and try to make him laugh. I want him to be here and hold my hand while we eat ice cream. 

My Ex and I dated for almost a year (well the day before our one year). Nearing the last three months his Dad got diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, this hit me so hard cause his Dad used to call me his second daughter. He told me he was so excited for us to get married and would always tell me "hey beautiful" when he saw me. A couple weeks ago I went up to his college (3 hours away) for my birthday and he was just so out of it. He didn't pay much attention to me and he just kept paying mind to his friends, I got so mad. When he came down he never saw me and I'd get a little upset. He broke up with me once and we said we were going to work it out. Then when I called him he kept putting me on hold and he said it wouldn't work out again. I was so upset! how could he do that, I was heartbroken and so confused. His Dad is currently unresponsive right now so it's soon.

I wanted to stick through this through thick and thin. I wanted to do it so bad. I begged and prayed to god that he'd seen he screwed up and get me back quickly. I think what I didn't realize is that I was so insensitive, his world is crumbling and I think he's so depressed that he can't physically feel love right now.

What I didn't realize until now is that I've been so selfish, these forums opened my eyes to what he's experiencing. We were both childish through this and I hope and pray some day that we come back together again. Cause I really miss my best friend. And I realized I f****d up. I saw so many posts of people that said that they just couldn't do love for a while. I am not going to wait for him. But I think we both need to grieve our loss.

(There's other details but I really don't want to get into those)