Richard G

My take on depersonalising these things is that you mean it is about them really, not about me. I absolutely know that’s true in my situation, I know that I have recovered very well in myself with loss and bereavement, I have peace in myself and with myself and how I have lived my life, and no I’m not perfect. My heart is soft and open and my words are welcoming. I know that I will see my late wife again and that will be wonderful. My children on the other hand seem to me to be deeply troubled, if they were peaceful as I am then there would be no problem getting together and being family together, so the ‘personal’ issues camp around their relational problems not mine. Nevertheless being ostracized is a painful experience on a personal level and if I didn’t feel pain I wouldn’t be human, I think that’s normal for a loving, caring parent.

Hi KayC, thanks for sharing some different perspectives, I find that very helpful because it helps me process without injecting my own judgements if there alternative possibilities. Thanks for sharing some of your journey also. I understand a number of reasons why my children are distant , for you it sounds as if It is unclear as to why your daughter is distant. Funny thing I hadn’t thought of things in terms of a power struggle but now you mention it I think there could be an element of that, but the underlying issue is the brokenness in people’s lives and unforgiveness. Like you I have soul searched and am very much at peace about this and have taken responsibility for all I know I can, I believe it is time for others to do likewise. Keep asking the Lord for wisdom and insight for your daughter, I believe if there was key information you needed to know then He will communicate it to you if you ask for it. I have definitely got on with life, and there have been many changes, remarriage, new work role , new home location, new friends new church, feels like everything has changed.. but not my love for God, that was unchanging which was an amazing discovery. I believe that’s a fruit of a lifetime of worship.

Thanks for your reply. You are right in saying it’s hurtful, it felt rough off the back of my wife dying to have my kids walk away at the same time. My children will only communicate via email so I keep in touch that way, so I have been very careful in terms of what I write to them, especially when answering their questions. I try to ensure I communicate an open door, kindliness and interest in their lives. My eldest has cut off all communication for 2+ years now. They are angry with me. This is , I feel, a spin off of having had a super-mum if that makes sense, I don’t want to say too much that would sound negative but perhaps that would make sense to you if you’ve been around that kind of thing in bereavement. They would not consider grief counseling at my behest although I did offer to support it financially if they wanted to pursue that but I think they don’t want to accept any help that comes from me. I feel that they need professional help and therefore encouragement to move forwards from family members. When I asked for help and support from my dad to this end he refused to do that and became angry with me. It was hard for me to ask this because I knew I risked that rejection but it was right to ask on behalf of my children. However, it seems to me both sets of grandparents are comfortable being surrogate parents and don’t want to say anything that would threaten their relationships, they seem unconcerned with my situation. As a result I feel my children will one day need to make their own individual decisions but I think they need to grow up a lot in order to do that so this may need many years. Kids are all good with money as far as I know, grandad , my dad, started giving them a big lump every year since my wife died, I that felt that was innappropriate under the circumstances since they had cut off from me this seemed like their behavior was rewarded. I prayed about this and felt clear I should not challenge my dad on it. There’s more on that theme but there’s plenty here you might like to respond to, I’m sure you will appreciate the family dynamics are pretty crock!

In July 2015 my wife died of cancer. For reasons I feel I understand at some levels, I haven’t seen my kids since the funeral who are now mid to late 20s. I’m concerned their grieving got stalled at the anger stage but I am not in a position to help them.