mellvetica

MartyT, Thank you for this article. Even with just the question posed, I feel a sense of pain but also comfort. They have put all of my feelings into words that I was unable to express. As much as it pains me to know that so many have suffered in a similar loss, I also feel less alone. It's genuinely a profound feeling of dissonance with the people around me in my life. I will read more of these articles into the night, I think.

Hi KayC, I want to thank you for sharing your story with me. It's something that helps me not feel so.. strange and alone, if that makes sense. It made me cry, like I made a connection with someone who I'd been missing my whole life, and warmed my heart. Thank you for doing everything you could do to take care of the people in your life. I'm happy that someone like you is out there, living and experiencing life in the best way that you can. Please always be the best version of you that you can be. While your mother may have been harsh, know that I, as I am today, am proud of the experiences you went through and the hardships you tackled. I can only hope that every day I live I will live with your warmth in mind! Thank you for this advice. I've heard to do meditation over many years of my life, but never quite found the patience for it. My brain tends to be in fire all the time, and I had trouble focusing. Perhaps now that I am in great need, I can try again and it can greet me with kindness.

Hi everyone. On November 6th of this year, my mother passed away from complications and illness that she had been fighting with for eleven years, and I think I'm having a hard time coming to terms with it. I'm 27 currently, and was unlucky enough to be the one that found my mother after school one day when I was 16, in my senior year. She was sitting on a chair, slurring her words and unable to move. It is a moment that has stayed with me for over a decade. Of course I called the ambulance and got her help, after borderline arguing with her for the better part of a half hour as she was adamant that she was fine and did not need to go anywhere. I was later told she had suffered from a stroke in her spinal chord, and she was paralyzed from the breast bone down. This was something that had only ever been seen in textbooks, as strokes normally hit the brain before anything else. After that point in our lives, our relationship became turbulent at best. I was given the role of being her designated care giver at a young age, and was essentially given the option of put my entire life on hold for her, to take care of her, or - there was no other option. I'd always thought that it was unfair, to be thrust into this life at such a crucial moment in my own. Because of what I call 'the accident', I was unable to complete my high school diploma in school, and had to finish my credits through corespondents. To say the least, it was a hard time in my life, and even now I feel the remnants of that pain. Being as I am, I was already considered disabled and mentally ill (the disability is mental), and had no concept of how to care for someone else, let alone for myself. That still stands today, I feel often that I am incredibly behind in my growth as a human being, and an adult. With all that being said, though, I attended college after some time, which had always been a dream of mine. I am currently in my third year of study to become a practicing artist and designer... it elated me to be able to have a social life and exist outside of my home. My mother was in and out of the hospital, and I stayed at home to continue taking care of her. My entire life evolved around my mother. I would be home by certain times to feed her, do all of her shopping for her, make sure she had what she needed at any time. I hadn't even been given the opportunity to leave my city to go to a school that specialized in my specific field of study. But it was all for her comfort, at my behest. I had gotten used to the idea of subjecting my life to this forever. And then one day, it was over. My mother passed due to complications from bed sores that she had obtained while in the hospital. Strangely enough, it happened while I was in school, again, at a pivotal time in my life she fell ill and I was unable to help or stop it from happening. Now that she has passed, I am completely, wholly and entirely unsure of my life. My future seems exceedingly unclear, and I cannot focus or finish my lessons, but I am unable to quit. I don't know what to do with myself, and I am crying a lot, and feel unable to focus and work. Sitting down to write this is the most I've been able to clearly write in a month, and I wish I could put the same energy into my assignments. I want to be able to talk to my mum again, to tell her I'm sorry for all of the times I got frustrated with her. To tell her that she drove me insane but I didn't realize I would miss talking to another person so much. I sat with her as she passed, and held her hand, and in all my life I have never felt so alone. I don't know what to do. For the past eleven years, our roles had essentially been reversed and she became my child. Does anyone have some encouraging words, or methods of focusing and being able to complete my studies? How can I be okay again? How can I cope with her loss and the loss of the very clear center of my life while... not losing myself as I have. Does that make sense? I feel awful.