Laurier

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I thought I was mentally strong too, and I am.  But nothing could prepare me for this and I had years to try until it became real and not as I imagined.  I ran thru every scenario.  But how do you imagine what you’ve never known?  I am grateful for my counselor as I can unburden a bit with another human being and not people that not only can’t get it, but I don’t want to alienate with my dark/sad side.  I have another persona for social needs after all these years.  I have his place too where I have made friends and know I will be accepted for who I am as I accept them.  You are strong.  Unbelievably so.  It just doesn’t feel that way.  That you posted proves that.  It may seem small, but it isn’t. To knowingly write about your deepest pain takes strength.  I can tell when I write here as opposed to playing a game to try and run away. Only you can decide if you want a counselor too.  I like the balance.  Plus this place is open 24/7.  

Well stated Gwenevere, and thank you for the kind words and encouragement.  Most especially thank you for giving me a better understanding for seeking professional help.   I never really thought about it in that light.   I like the separation idea because I do tend to be a downer in every conversation at a point. Maybe unburdening elsewhere will help with that.
Thank you! 

My thanks to each of you who replied.  I am sorry for your loss too.  Your kind words and encouragements are welcome.   I have found some enlightenment in reading these strands, of others who have similar journeys.   
to answer kcey question, I honestly don’t know why I have not used professional help.  I have always thought myself as a mentally strong person and now I realize that doesn’t matter.  These feelings are deeper than anything I have ever experienced before, and much more uncontrollable.  Your tips are wonderful and thank you for sharing.

I lost my husband and soulmate of 42 years on April5, 2019.  He died suddenly of  heart attack.  He did not have heart problems so it was exceptionally shocking.  My grief has been so deep, my faith has got me this far and I continue to pray for strength daily.  I have tried to work through this without outside help, I have a wonderful family network.  But, somehow I still feel dead inside.  I don’t feel much anymore, I just function.  I do have a beloved pet who gives me something to take care of.   I am just struggling not knowing what feelings are coming next?