Attempting2Grieve

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Running across these responses is very coincidental as I was just on the phone with a cousin and saying I don’t understand why Steve was taken by cancer when I see so many horrific people still living and hurting others.  A person committed to peace, created music and made so many people feel good and special.  The concept/belief in god is so varied.  When I was in a 12 step group for kids of alcoholics, someone told me to substitute Good Orderly Direction so I could handle so many references to it.  

I often wish I had the belief many have so I had someone to yell at.  To cry out to, maybe find some inner peace.  Promises I will see him again in some way.   But I don’t.  

 I understand how you feel.  There is a lot of anger there and rightly so.  Part of the cycle that happens that I have been thru many times.  Anger at him, the world, nature, the universe, you name it.  Often misplaced, but valid because I can’t wish it away.  I’ve even screamed out to god, I guess, asking why.  Why would you take him?  It shows me just how deep the pain is.  How we want answers we will never get.  I feel fortunate for one thing, I don’t have any regrets about anything I did.  I did my best and did save him from things that would have made it worse had they continued.  I stopped him from blindly following the doctors as I could step back and see he gained nothing but side effects with no reward.  

What I have learned here is not to argue other’s posts.  They are well meaning and I know they relate to what worked for them.  It’s the old saying.....take what you need and leave the rest.  It’s like getting samples at a price club, some will be ones you buy or like and others will be tossed because they don’t fit your taste.  The fact that someone reached out to me is the gift.  That I always appreciate.  

Just keep writing what you feel.  No matter what, getting it out will help and you will find like minded people and occasionally a new perspective you never thought of.  

As george would say.....peace (shalom).

I feel like I still don't wanna be home. That's all I know. I ran to Vegas and didn't want to be there but I don't wanna be here either. I think I'll go back.

10 hours ago, feralfae said:

Oh, Attempting, of course you must meet and work through your grief and emotional pain in your own way.  I was merely offering my experience more for comfort and not at all to confront. I don't think G*d ever makes random choices. I just don't understand most of them. I did not understand why Doug had to leave until he had been gone for some time. We know his cancer was from agent orange, so I think it was evil chemicals more than anyone who caused him to have cancer.  I do understand how we wish we could have made better choices, had more options, knew more about cancer.  We did not pick the right hospital the first time either, and I carried guilt about that for years. I was sure we could have saved him if we had started at a better hospital. But that was not my fault, or his.  We were taking advice from the doctors. 

I still have guilt sometimes about things I wish I had done better, sooner, with more love. But I know I did the best I could, and while I wish I could say we had all the answers, we did not.  And now I live this solo life, only now beginning to find my own solo balance after losing half of me. Peace to your heart.  *<twinkles>*

I didn't take it as confrontational. I didn't mean for my reply to come off that way either. I just thought by this point I wouldn't be blaming myself or her. Xmas, NYE, and her Bday in the same week isn't making this easy for me. 

2 hours ago, feralfae said:

.it really is All in G*d's hands.

I can't buy that. Hard to believe a "god" would take her from me. If she would have attended doctors appointments instead of pretending to go maybe she would be here. If I had picked the right hospital the 1st time maybe she would be here. I can't live with "God" making random choices. I'm not trying to be short, I just can't accept that.

Ty. I think I needed to hear that I'm not the only one who lashes out or can't stand the sounds of religious consolations at a time when it feels like if there is a higher power they have forsaken you. Since we have older parents we spoke about having to understand we would lose them one day and I told her it was easier to leave then to be left. I don't think she ever believed me. I'm also mad at her. She would lie to me about dr. visits. She was just so terrified of Doctors. Small things, even in the hospital. They asked her the last time she had a mammogram, she said like two years ago, I questioned her, after 10 minutes of drilling her she confessed never. I explained that we were fighting for her life. I told her everything was on the table. I was with her every night of those 17 (one night they told me I had to leave ICU so I went home and got some much needed sleep). We were supposed to surprise some friends in Amsterdam the day after Thanksgiving, visit Spain in February, I had bought tickets to Morocco in May and not told her about it yet. So sometimes I'm mad at her. But I'm most upset at myself. Did I make the wrong choice of Hospitals, or after the 1st (and only) Chemo treatment I saw some side effects that I should have taken her immediately to the emergency room but waited too long. You will say as everyone else... you can't blame yourself, but yes I can. I don't know if it would have made a difference but it might have. I spend an hour or two everyday walking myself through every decision I made. Like a coach watching tape of last weeks game. 

I'm not sure why i'm doing this. I've never reached out to people I don't know. But I can't keep making everyone sad in my life. On November 7th she had stomach pains, we went to the emergency room and we assumed it was a stomach flu or something. The ER doc said her liver was covered in meta lesions. 17 days later she was gone. She worked out 5 days a week, drank green smoothies for lunch, didn't smoke or do drugs, no history of cancer in the fam. It's a little over a month and I am still sad/angry/confused. I get it, it does happen and I'm not the only one who has suffered this loss. I'm just not sure why to go on. I'm not gonna off myself or anything stupid, I mean why keep trying? Work, Happiness, relationships? They all seem pretty pointless. We r both in our early-mid 40's and had been travelling a lot recently. She asked why we are "serial" travelling one day? I told her family might need us (we have elderly parents), maybe a pet, maybe another family member, maybe it wouldn't be possible with our work schedules. But we have time now.  I never thought it would be because I lost her. I'm mad,sad,defeated, I called the guy at my fish market FishFuck, was rude to a CVS check out person, and flipped off an old lady. I'm pretty sure none of them deserved that and i probably have many apologies to dish out. About 3 weeks after she past and we had the memorial I had to leave town. I couldn't handle people knocking on my door to make sure I was eating 10x a day. i didn't know where I wanted to be but knew I didn't want to be here. I went to Vegas... I grieve by gambling and drinking. It was therapeutic at times and depressing at times. But I come home and she's still gone. Now I feel like I wanna leave again. We never argued (I know people say that and if it was because of me we probably would have but she was so easy going) but when we kidded around about differing views I would say "well my next wife won't try to drag me to amusement parks" or something like that and she would say "she can pry this ring off my cold dead hand". And then one day I had to. I don't know if I'm looking for advice, or wisdom, need to vent, or need a sounding board. But pleaaaasssse don't pray for me or say Jesus or god wants you/her (insert anything here). I take take any more of that.