i have killed my 7 years old cat lara and want to die myself now from terrible guilt.
every day from the day she was born on the streets i and my neighbour took care of her.
i was giving her and other stray cats their meal on mornings and my neghbour in the evenings.
and everything was ok, well, not everything, but everything was manageable. she overcame corona virus (not covid, but cat corona virus...her 2 sisters died), overcame severe pneumonia.
year ago i had to leave my home due to dad's disability, near which i was taking care of stray cats and move to another apartment.
so i have decided to take lara and 7 other cats from street to this new apartment with my own 7 cats as it has more rooms. they would live in one room and i with my own 7 in another.
so, year ago i had 15 of them. i know, somebody would tell me i'm crazy, but i couldn't leave them on the street, because as i thought i can and i will take good care of them.
and everything was normal. we were struggling with money, but somehow managed. untill last month when lara started to act not like she used to be.
i named her after lara croft character as she was crazy runner. she was chasing birds and butterflies, ran over the fields when she lived on the street.
i thought she feels sorry for not being allowed to go outside anymore and feel depressed to live with 7 others (but she knew them well).
then i thought she has some dental problems as we had a bad experience with some other stray cats. so i took a look at her mouth and found 2 bad teeth.
she started to became skinny (though she has never been fluffy), drank a lot of water and refused to eat food, only a little.
i told to myself as soon as i will get some money i would take her to vet to take out these 2 teeth.
when i finally was able to go to the vet, she told me first of all to have blood work and to see if she doesn't have kidney problems.
i refused due to the lack of money and due to my strong STUPID belief the problem is only because of her teeth and asked to make a surgery without blood work.
that was my first fatal mistake.
somehow and being very weak, with me in the bed, she managed to overcome night after surgery and even tried to eat some pate in the morning.
i started to think from now on she will be ok, she will start to eat little by little...
that was my fatal mistake no.2
day by day, she refused to eat anything and i started to feed her by force.
and on the 9th day after surgery when i thought nothing is changing and she is missing her weight even more, i borrowed some money and took her to another vet where they did her blood work...at last.
i was shocked: kidney parameters were 7 times exceeded normal range and liver - 2 times. vet told me she will die very soon, but we can try some iv fluids to wash her kidneys from toxins.
the same day they gave her iv fluids and some pain free medications. on the second day morning she felt so weak, but i refused to admit she is dying and didn't take her to vet to put her down.
she passed away the same night in agony, fast breathing, meowing, but on my chest, wrapping her with my arms and saying shhh my baby shhh 😢
after her death i have asked vet was it anesthesia that killed her kidneys, he said maybe without this surgery she will live 4 to 5 weeks, but not more.
but i know i killed her kidneys with this unnecessary surgery, not going to the vet short afterwards procedure when i saw nothing is changing.
i know that now, after her death, after taking so many years of her life ahead.
i only want to be with her. i know, i would leave other 14 who still love me (i hope) and i love them, but i can't do anything with the feeling she would live 1, 5 or even 10 more years.
and how i can say anything about love if i killed one of my babies 😢
one thought is still playing in my head - she would be alive if i would left her on the street with my neighbour. she has more money, she would really noticed she is not ok sooner and would go to the vet asap.
