Just over 3 months ago my boyfriend of just 2 years died suddenly.
He had been texting me for weeks before I finally gave in to him. He used to tell me I was everything he wanted and he’d do anything to get us together. He was funny and said all the right things and I thought... he could be the one! We did everything together. Wherever we went he would hold my hand and he used to tell anyone who would listen how much he loved me and how proud he was to be with me. We lived together quite soon in the relationship but it was what we both wanted. I loved the bones of him and I thought he did me too. Once we started living together I noticed things. I saw how secretive he was with his phone. He took it everywhere with him and his laptop and other devices were all password protected. It seemed strange as I had nothing to hide so my phone and PC he could gladly use. I used to ask him why but it would cause a fallout so I stopped. Then I noticed that he was still in constant contact with his ex. I put up with this because they had a child. I have a child with my ex and we get on well but we do not speak and text all the time. I felt it a bit disrespectful to me but again when I mentioned it he would turn it to be me in the wrong so I would shut up.
One night he stayed up late. He came up to bed thinking I was asleep and put his phone on the bed while he went to the bathroom. Shortly after his phone buzzed and he had been sitting downstairs messaging another girl talking about sex and flirting. I knew she wasn’t an isolated case too but couldn’t prove that. My world crashed. I was broken, totally broken. He couldn’t deny this one... yet again he said the right things to me and because I wanted to believe him I let it go but a couple of days later I was back to feeling worthless and he was back hiding his phone.
We carried on, I still loved him so much and some days were good and made me believe in us but I always lived with this nagging doubt in the pit of my stomach. Should we stay together or should I walk away, although I knew he’d go and move back in with his ex if I made him leave me. He could manipulate her to agree to that.
His last few days were lovely. We were close, we did things together and he would keep putting his arms around me and telling me he loved me and that he’d never leave me. I wanted to believe him, I wanted to be happy together but why did I feel like I was sharing him with, not just his ex, but whoever else he may have been messaging. We even talked about marriage although maybe that was just words? He died in his sleep, I found him and I fought so hard to bring him back. I’m haunted by that night. He promised he’d never leave me and he had. If that wasn’t bad enough to deal with I then had his parents telling me that he had been telling them for months that he wanted to leave and that he’d called me some awful things. My heart couldn’t break anymore. I didn’t think it was possible to feel so low. Right now I am sad, hurt and so unbelievably confused. Did he love me? Did he say those things? Why would he not just go if he didn’t want me. I gave him everything, I was loyal, reliable and did everything for him to try and be the best girlfriend I could be. I couldn’t have given anymore. I don’t know how to move on from this with all this doubt and confusion running constantly around in my head. I just don’t know how to deal with it 😥