Vivian,
My name is Paula. I completely know exactly what you mean about the loss of parents is an entirely a different type of loss.
I loved my parents dearly...I did everything I could possibly do towards the end of their lives.
However, your spouse is the person, in my case He was the person I lived with and was still madly in love with since I was 25 years old. I’m 62 years old now.
I was able to be safely vulnerable with, shared my fears, insecurities, pulled strength from,
traveled with, oh my goodness there is so much more.
The loneliness for my husband is unbearable to this day. My husband died of a rare skin cancer that took his life within 8 months.
Almost 30 years gone just like that.
My sister who I’ve stood by no matter what, walked away; no text, calls or visits.
My husband’s family, minus his older sister walked away.
1 of his brother’s who was very helpful to my husband and myself when my husband was home dying came to my home shortly after we buried my husband.
Now keep in mind, I wasn’t sleeping during the night hours, I’d find something on TV that had multiple episodes to keep my mind off of my overwhelming grief.
When the morning hours came so did my anxiety with my overwhelming knowledge that my husband is really gone.
I’d take medication to sleep.
Which brings me back to my brother-in-law and his wife. I didn’t hear the Ring door bell.
To this day, they’re telling people/family that I refused to respond to them.
So untrue!
When I speak to my youngest brother-in-law, I always feel like I need to defend my grief.
They, my husband’s family talk about me and he’s they’re mouth piece.
I was told you’re not the only one that lost him...I was so hurt.
My reply was words of understanding with examples of what I know he (they) would miss.
I added that I was the wife and how they had the memory of childhood memories and the adult part of my husband was only what he wanted them to see.
I also reminded him that when they’re all sitting around talking about my grief and how I’m dealing with it, their wives and husband’s are at they’re side. And, unfortunately, it won’t be until they lose their spouses compassion for me will not be understood.
I feel like there’s no one in my life that gets it!
i guess to them, I’m just whining. I’ve had thoughts of suicide at times just to be with my husband and to stop the pain. I reach for my cellphone and call the “Hotline” for support when I have my deep feelings of profound loss and loneliness for my husband.
My life has changed which is an understatement. Who am I? Where am I going? Can I keep this house? Who can I call?
Thank you for listening or should I say reading just a small portion, but significant Portion of my thoughts of loneliness, fears, thoughts and the unbearable loss of my husband.
Paula
