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Lost and confused

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About Lost and confused

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    NA
  • Date of Death
    07/09/2020
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Na

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  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    Heggins Pa

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  1. Well it's been a week with the normal ups and downs, I'm still swinging away even got a few I love you verbally, and a sort of acknowledgement we are still a couple as she addressed herself as my GF (even before hand when we got engaged BF/GF was the typical reference) but it's almost once she realizes it was said she withdraws again. She still maintains texting me throughout her day when she's out and about traveling, or updating me on anything that may have happened while she was at work, or what happened when I might have been at work. Those are the ups, the downs are when others come in, it's back to I need to get away, I need to be alone. Sometimes the ups and downs happens in as little as 10 minutes. Our portion of the day is good when it is just us, but enter anyone and the fire gets lit, and someone keeps tossing fuel on it. At 1st I thought it might be just me, but I do firmly believe at this point those closest to her "Family" are doing more harm than good just by keeping the flames fanned and still not given her time to mourn, just don't think I'll ever understand why I'm one of the few that are behind her 100% to give her support, but the only one that seems to be pushed away while those that are causing the stress are kept close. I have started to give myself time away from the house and found a place to move into should we end, I started old hobbies, every time I think the final breath is taken, there is a gasp. But so far we're still going, I have decided to continue to do what i have been, support her, give her time, but also I have given myself a time frame that once we reach it "IF" we do and it's still the same, that'll be where we will talk and get whatever it is we have out in the open for clarity and direction, just wanted to update and vent some, I am emotionally tired deep inside and starting to disconnect myself emotionally, not willingly, from the relationship to protect myself. I'm preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.
  2. I want to thank you all for responding, your responses have giving me a new strength, I appreciate what everyone has said and can see what each one said going on now and came to that realization myself, thank you, and thank you Rae for the links I plan to go to them and read. And yes, I do believe in what Kieron said, or I do see that as a possibility, of a testing but I don't think it's as intentional or deliberate, she did tell me that her last relationship, her ex left her as Rae's did, not a word, woke up and was gone due to her grieving over another loss, seems most men left her when she was not living up to their vision of her or wasn't happy enough for them and they didn't want to deal with her depression or unhappy moods and somewhere in the back of her mind she's preparing for my departure as well. Just recently I did something very innocent, taking care of some tasks for me, but could have been viewed as I was packing to leave, I noted an instant change in our relationship and even a further pulling away, which caused me to write the above, after I finished what I was doing and made it visible I wasn't leaving, I noted that it did change for the better. I spent my life living with hope, but have an understanding that hope does not mean it will happen. Each day will bring it's own unique challenges, today was a good day, almost as if nothing was wrong, but I know she's grieving and she did ask me how long she will continue which I said told her it'll never stop it's now part of her life, just some days will be better than others as more time passes it will get better and a new normal will emerge, she said she can't wait, and told her I'm here for her in what ever she needs, but I do know today was just a one off. I've already came to the conclusion that this is more on auto pilot as mentioned above, without any outside stressors it's good, but I know that's not possible, and she does as well which is another reason if not the biggest she wants to just leave no one close to her other than myself is giving her time to grieve and mourn. I've accepted that this is going to end and I need time to heal and rediscover myself due to the investment into this relationship, never have I given so much so fast and have been so opened and yes I will need time to heal and find my center and balance again. I know I'm doing what I can and I should walk now for both our sake, damn that word hope, I've started to erect walls around my heart to protect it but not enough to stop myself from loving, just to help prepare. We do need to talk soon, to lay this out for my sake as well as hers, to either stay, to end this and go so I'm not an added stress in her life, or go back to how it was at the beginning with me living apart at my own place to give her a place of refuge to escape to when she needs it. I know this isn't cut and dry, the line isn't static but constantly moving, she wants me in her life, she wants to be alone. If it was only that easy. But thank you all, I'll check in and "Hope" that it ends with good news, but due to my age and having been in relationships, I know it's time to prepare myself for what's coming, but also to keep that candle lit for hopes sake and to light the darkness..just cause, if we have no hope, we wouldn't have any fight in us, we wouldn't be where we are, and I think of my son and daughter now in their 20's, I pray they never go through this, but I want them to see when there is something worth fighting for, you fight with everything till the bell rings, and thanks to your responses, it has added to my resolve and I feel a breath of fresh air blowing for the first time in awhile, energized, I know it's not my fault, no matter how this ends, when I lay down to go to sleep at night, I have to sleep with what I did that day, when I go to sleep at the end of this it's going to be knowing that I went out fighting and standing by my promises I made to her, and I wasn't someone that will be chalked up on the board of men that ran out on her, I'll make my own column, I'm someone that will stick it out through the bad no matter what it is, so that the good times are sweeter, should this end, which it very well could and looks like it will, and should I find love again which won't be for awhile till I heal, I have to be able to look her in the eyes and say I'm here and I won't run when things get hard, you can trust I'll stand by you through anything, I have to be able to say that, mean that and know I'll stand by that....thank you all.
  3. Hi all, I don't know where else to vent or turn to, I normally deal with stuff on my own, but this..I need to vent and keeping a private life have no one to vent to, my kids don't need to hear this as I do not want them to look differently upon the woman I'm with and "engaged" to To start, she recently lost her father that meant the world to her and leading up to that she said, even in the beginning, he's her anchor and when he's gone she has no reason to be around, BUT she also told me in the beginning not to give up on her should this happen, and so I haven't....but it's hard, so hard, and getting harder, I believe she's worth it, we are worth it, I want to throw the towel in though and end this now before hate seeps in, and for the chance we may rekindle this, but I am in a relationship and enter every one as if it's for good and lifelong willing to fight till the end. I know this is lost love, but I feel what we had is now lost and it's only a matter of time now before that realization happens for her. Up till recently, after the burial a few weeks ago, everything would point that we would survive this, she still insisted she is leaving but not leaving me, I've watched the intimacy deteriorate to almost nothing, she shows affection to those around her except me, she tells others she loves them, except me. One moment I think it's over with, as she pulls away I have been trying to think about her feelings and give her the space she's creating as right now it's all I know I can do, the I love you has stopped completely, the kisses good bye before work are almost there over the last day, I think it may now be a thing of the past as the I love you has become. I watch and hear, when it's just us, alone, things are good, she's good, enter everyone else and it changes. I do see a line of comparison between her father and I, been thinking maybe this is why she's pulling away? She lost 4 people close to her life every year for the past 4 years and has said she can't suffer losing another person she loves, could this be why? Little things she does now is what I look for as a sign if it's over or not, one moment she'll say "ours", I moved in with her leaving all I had behind, she'll talk about us, she'll talk to me as if we are not ending she's just still confused and trying to figure it all out, she texts me when she wants to share something, she inquires after me to make sure I have a plan for a dinner, the next moment she's talking about how she can't stand it here any longer and needs to go, needs to be single and alone, there's nothing here for her anymore and this is becoming stronger, I know from reading the forums that the chances of success for us is little to none and the break up is almost inevitable. I have been on an emotional roller coaster now for weeks, ready to leave, ready to stay, feeling she cares, feeling she's starting to resent me, I know she's suffering on a different level and I firmly believe that it is useless for me to talk to her about my feelings as the last time I attempted to was when she told me she wanted to be alone and I tried to leave to give her space, after I tried to tell her I how I felt, the anger at the action of me leaving caused some very heated words from her which I let be as I figured it was part of the grieving and timing, but she said my trying to leave wouldn't change her mind if that's what I was trying to do, but we are still together, there was zero evidence that she even took what I was saying with any concern. He's been gone now a few weeks but the relationship, which is a weak word to use is just not doing well. I am and have been there for her even though she has not turned to me for comfort, I've been doing little things to relieve the stress from her everyday life, cleaning, making sure she has breakfast, getting whatever she needs. I told her how much I was there for her and would be, I love you was often said by me, I know I gave up saying that, I couldn't find the strength to continue as I would say I love you to her and be met with silence, only to hear her say I love you to someone other than me. Her middle aged sons living with us in their early 30's she would say good night I love you..........to me, good night..... I feel guilty that I am even thinking this way, is it me? Just looking into this to much? To me love is love, we are engaged, should I not hear them words? I have children and I suffered loss as well, but never have I treated whoever I was with this cold. She use to brag that she finally found love and someone that cared for her unconditionally, she relished how others could see instantly that we had a connection that so very few had, she wore our love as a badge of honor. Even her own children would say how different I was from the other guys she was with, how thankful they are for me and how I treat her and what I do for her. Now I am starting to believe she keeps my ring on only cause she's use to wearing it or if she tries to go out with a friend for a drink to reduce the chance of other guys coming up to her. I know there is no answer, only time will answer this. I'm sorry, I just needed to let this out, we aren't young anymore...and I say that through the eyes of someone that's seen more than 40 years go by. guess the only real question that can truly be answered, am I foolish for sticking this out and hoping..
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