DeeP

9 hours ago, MartyT said:

Controlling. Narcissistic. Argumentative. Jealous. Insecure. Doesn't Trust Me. Doesn't Believe Me. Constantly Disrespectful.

Is this really a list of the sort of traits you want in a new partner? Maybe you're finding it hard to love him because he is not worthy of your love . . . 

I do think that. The growth I have mentally endured by the loss I experienced shifted my perspective on a lot. & i reflected for months on my x that passed and how our relationship was, the things I wish I did differently, the pain and the love. All of it and picked myself up out of depression. I have been in therapy every week attempting to heal and learn myself more, attempt to feel that connection again and let that fear go. I don’t deserve any of the disrespect especially when I feel like I’m so much more mature and grown mentally than I was before he passed. It’s sad bc this man has the healthiest version of me at the moment and insists on making me feel small when I’m not meant to be. I don’t want a partner like that especially after dealing with such a heavy loss. I am still healing and as Iv mentioned battle in my head trying to move forward but it just sucks. Sorry I’m venting a lot  😕 

On 6/20/2022 at 12:59 PM, kayc said:

Grief specialist

Thank you! Update guys… it’s been bad. He is a bit controlling and narcissistic in a bad way. Losing my partner unexpectedly made me cherish relationships more you know. I don’t want to fight and argue over silly things. He’s jealous and insecure and  anything I do he doesn’t trust me. Iv cried so much because I opened my heart up after losing my ex which was hard. Iv told him I’m loyal to him, and with him only and he doesn’t believe it. I’m not perfect but Iv been trying my hardest but I also don’t enjoy being disrespected constantly. I’m just really sad… and hurt. I feared getting close to someone and this is why… 

3 hours ago, kayc said:

You are not betraying anyone, and it sounds like you've found a good person, I hope you don't push him away.  It would help for him to learn all he can about grief so he can understand that your grieving someone else isn't a personal affront to him, it's not a competition...it has a beginning but no ending, but does change form.  I hope you'll update us how it goes, it's good to get some good updates!

 

Thank you for this! Yeah he is good. I don’t want to push him away but the more serious he starts to get with me the more anxiety I feel. I don’t know if it’s him or I would be this way with anyone due to just the emotional closeness. The last time I was close to someone he left this world and I guess I’m just scarred from it all. I’m trying to work through this because i won’t be able to fully be invested with someone as to having a life with them until I figure it out. It just sucks this mind battle I have inside. I know I want love but I also run when I find it due to that uncomfortable feeling. & the thought of having to move on from my partner who passed it feels wrong idk

Hello. Iv wrote a few things on here before. I lost my x bf last year unexpectedly and it messed me up so much. I could not get close or feel emotional connection to anyone and anyone who tired I ran. I tried push forward as best I could but I could not handle anything serious because my heart was broken and became numb. Now I am seeing someone who never pressured me into anything and that made me more comfortable that now we are together. I battle a lot in my head feeling like I am betraying mt x who passed . I feel like a horrible at times. I am trying to adjust to a new relationship and it’s just been alot internally that my current partner has no idea I deal with. Any advice .. anyone else ever feel this way after trying to move on from a partner who passed? It really sucks. 

On 9/22/2021 at 8:53 AM, kayc said:

I understand your comparing, it's something we struggle with when we've had the best.

Yeah literally. It’s so true. It’s just so hard 🥺 and people tell me time time time … it just gets me angry. Grief has so many emotions and waves attached and it’s exhausting and draining in itself 

On 7/19/2021 at 1:46 PM, Kevinslove said:

Dee P yes unfortunately  the pain is always  with us but I try to remember  that the love is always  with me to though I can't  hold or see Kevin's smile anymore  I know  that I was blessed to of had that love and I try to keep it in me even on the darkest  days, I was lucky to of been able to love again  but deep in my heart  I know  that the love I had with Kevin  will never  be the same  that I now share with someone  else even to this day Kevin  was my soulmate,  I didn't  want  to be here without  him not  even for a minute  but I knew  he tried so hard to keep  me safe when  he was alive that he would not want  me to be with him before  my time it is not an easy rode not one I wish for anyone  to be on but if I had to choose between  having  the love I had and feeling  loss now or never  knowing  that love I would choose  the loss everytime because  I was so blessed,  and not for this to sound wrong but I learned so much with the loss, I learned to never  take someone  I love for granted,  I learned to never hold onto  anger, I learned  to appreciate  so much more so even in his death Kevin  gave me a new life hugs to you , you are never  alone

Wow .. thank you for sharing. Your perspective is beautiful and your right I know. I’m doing my best to shift my outlook in that direction. Right now I feel very very detached. Any man trying to get to know me feels uncomfortable, I compare everyone to him, it’s just hard to move on. I can be with someone but emotionally it just scares me. Which I think means I’m not ready idk. It’s still fresh. I don’t want to stay at rock bottom and entertain guys that mean nothing . I’m young and the dating world now is really bad. People just play around and it makes me miss Jody so much. He loved me more than anything. And I felt so safe with him. Now I feel open, scared, unprotected and lost. :/

On 7/9/2021 at 8:50 AM, kayc said:

I realized it's not that I want to die but that I didn't want to go through what I'd have to go through to LIVE. 

That’s exactly how I feel. I know I can never bring myself to do anything. But it just sucks because you know as long as you remain alive, the pain is still there. So it’s like everyday is a little torturous. I am fighting it’s just my heart hurts everyday. I feel so lonely and I truly want to feel companionship again, and it just sucks

On 7/7/2021 at 11:49 AM, Kevinslove said:

you are never  alone hugs

❤️❤️❤️.  I come to you guys because I’m at a fork in the road here… unfortunately you guys are the only ones who can understand the pain of losing their best friend. Partner. I struggle everyday. N the people around me have no idea how weak and depressed I feel yet how HARD I fight everyday. To remain alive, I deal… but I can’t lie and say I don’t wanna just be with him in heaven. I feel so internally alone, and that’s what kills me the most. I don’t do drugs like that, I take xanex .. and Iv thought about just taking a whole bunch and saying f it but I also can’t bring myself to do that. I just hate this. . My life literally is not the same. 

23 hours ago, Marg M said:

I was married a very long time.  Lived 2-3 lifetimes during those years.  Nothing was perfect, but most times we faced it together.  I know this seems simple to hard core drugs, but it was not simple.  He was told the nicotine was narrowing his arteries in his late 30's, in his early 40's he had probably the first kidney stent operation that had been performed at our teaching hospital.  This was where I worked and retired from my first retirement.  They put stents in two kidney arteries after he was stroking out after mowing the yard.  In ICU a few days and discharged with malignant hypertension.  I shut myself up in the bathroom.  I was just a transcriptionist, we did not have computers, but I had access to the whole medical library.  I hated that diagnosis.  I shut myself up in that bathroom and cried and cried.  Billy asked the doc why I did that. Doc told him "because she loves you."  I asked him to check his renal lab work.  They found he had three kidney arteries, two were occluded and he was only alive because he had an accessory artery.  Those stents gave him another at least 40 years.  He had to quit smoking, but he took up smokeless tobacco.  I never fussed but my first article I typed from a doctor to be published in a medical journal was on smokeless tobacco and cancer.  No one in Billy's family had ever had liver or colon cancer and despite two checkups a year, despite all lab work that had to have been skipped over, he slipped away from cancer within 5-6 weeks.  He had about a week of hurting.  That was too much.  So, whatever the drug is, we all hurt ourselves taking legal "drugs" too.  Runners, trying to stay healthy die of heart attacks.  We cannot make it right.  We cannot go back and change things.  Our hematologist told us those words we knew so well.  "should of, would of, could of" and it was what it was.  My grandson, if he is still alive, is lost in the drug jungles of California.  He was in rehab.  He came out and in his 30's, I still remembered the little boy.  He was a sweetheart.  I have to put him out of my mind, I have to.  He told us he felt good, he was the most sane I had heard him speak in years.  And his words to us all were, I'm sorry, but I will not give the drugs up.  And, that was the last we heard.  He stayed with us during his junior year in high school and in six months had won a medal for his art.  A loss to himself, his relatives, friends, daughter and humanity.  I'm so sorry about your loss.  No words can express how it hurts my heart, and we are legion.  

Wow. Your story is touching. I’m sorry  . It is very sad how people turn to drugs at times. I knew he wanted to do better, he just didn’t know how to cope and facing it head on was painful for him. I knew he was a alcoholic, but I just never would have thought he was doing coke. He also had a heart issue too. Makes me so mad. He was better than that. He pressed his luck. And left me alone.it’s selfish of me to want him back, and it’s a little selfish of me to want to be with him knowing I’d be leaving my family behind to. But this pain , losing my best friend.. everyday is a struggle for me. About your grandson I’m sorry to hear that too. In today’s world, being my age.. I see how people are just falling victim to all these things.  And it’s sad. 

35 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 Outsiders just can’t relate.  Often saying things that don’t help at all.

So true!!!!! Nobody I talk to truly gets it. Only unfortunately others who have lost their partner. And Altho me and Him argued a lot doesn’t mean there wasn’t true love involved. People try to tell me it prob wasn’t going to work out and I want to punch them. It doesn’t matter. Death is a permanent thing. They still all have their x’s alive they can reach out to if they wanted. I can’t. I can’t even say hi ever again.He meant so much to me. He was a giant part of my heart and me. And to be talking all morning like normal and then just poof he’s gone. Tragic and traumatic. And yeah it’s really hard to have to go through this young. I absolutely feel like Our time was cut short and it’s unfair. I question how I can move forward. My heart and soul yearns for him it hurts. 

6 hours ago, widow'15 said:

Dee P:  My label on this forum is Dee, also.  Reading your post you state you are 28 so I am old enough to be your Grandmother and feel sad that you are having to find your way to a Grief Forum at such a young age.  Losing your partner at three months, you are in the early stages of grief.  The only advice I can offer is try to take each day one minute at a time and one step at a time.  I hope you will find the strength to slowly face the grief of losing the young man you loved so deeply as difficult as it is.  Good thoughts to you.  Dee 

Aww thank you. Yeah we dated a year, but kept talking the whole next year, so overall 2 years. :(. I miss my best friend deeply 

Hello. I have been on this site before. Im 28. I just lost my x bf 3 months ago unexpectedly to an overdose. I had no idea he was even doing drugs. So not only did I have the initial shock but also so disappointed. Prior to his passing I distanced myself and started to talk to someone new who I felt at the time was more balanced for me. Me n my x argued alot so I started to pull away. But my x never gave up on me. He always wanted to be with me but I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. We would argue a lot but there was a lot of love between us. 
       So he was in the army and he only had a few days left in the state before he moved and we finally got back on good terms. I started to see him and hang out before he was about to leave altho I still was interested in someone else. But I didn’t want him to leave the state and us not be in good terms. I cared so much for Him. I actually started to contemplate maybe giving us another shot. Then boom, he leaves this earth and since than I have never felt so alone.

      The new guy I was talking to was a good distraction but now he ultimately would up leaving me in a very rude hurtful way. So I gave him a chance and lost the one person who ever loved me so much and held me so high in the process.. now I really alone and I just don’t want to do this anymore.. I’m tired. I’m hurt. I miss my x so much. I wish I gave us a chance again sooner .. im really messed uP mentally. 

25 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I wish you had gotten to have that time to be together snd work on the problems he needed you for.  Help you with any of yours.  Be a team.  It’s just not right when it happens to anyone still in their prime.  😪💔

That’s what kills me the most. It all kills me actually. But the fact that yeah we didn’t even get that much time. We had our ups and downs for a while and for us to literally just get back into a great space where it felt like the beginning again; for a week later him to be gone. He was going to have to move to Cali bc the army and we were going to do long distance which definitely was going to be rough. But I think we would have been ok. And if not, at least he’d still be here and he could have lived the rest of his life he was supposed to live. And I wouldn’t be bascially half dead. 😔

54 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m so very touched, DeeP.  Thank you for that.  We both had men that fit us perfectly and then taken away.   Both independent but wanting that sharing.  I’d love to hug you too for how harshly you were blindsided.  I admire your honestly speaking of your feelings here.  You made a big change in what was another crappy day and that was a very caring thing to do.  Much love to you.  ❤️

Awww I’m glad I was able to help you and hopefully make you smile :). You said harshly blindsided and that is probably the best description of what happened to me. It’s the worst. You just never expect it. Literally within just a few hours my whole life changed. Thank you for allowing me to vent. It’s definitely not easy. I’m trying to find ways to grieve in healthy ways rather than remain negative. I’m fighting it internally. But thank you for being you. ❤️ Means more to me than you know. 

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m going into 7 years.  I did well for so long because I had to, but it’s falling apart now.  The opposite of what you have done.  I can get tasks done mostly being farmed out.  But caretaker, solace and 'my person'?   I’m totally lost there.  Much is to combination of large physical problems, loss of activities I did, the pandemic and isolation all these create.  It’s also the mental fallout of so many years of constant change and.knowing that will never change and I have to do it myself.  I feel I was stronger in the first few years.  I know if I were physically not as handicapped it would make an immense difference.  I feel trapped in this house snd body.  I feel like I’m losing my mind most of the time, that I can’t  do this another day.  I’m worn out as the years pass.  I need him so much.  He was the motivation to always keep going.  He’d be 70 now and slower, but in my heart, it’s that connection test is the power.  I’m tired of not mattering to a special someone.  
 

today I’m battling Sears about my DW again.  I’m in horrid pain from so much walking I did yesterday.  For once, I’d like someone else to argue with them about how a plumber already checked this and said it was the DW.   I’m tired of my stomach in knots all the time fighting battles.  I did the research and got the invoice from the plumber saying it’s the machine.  Steve was much better at this from his managerial position skills.  I’m a tired and frustrated woman whose emotions are easily triggered now.   Not a good vantage position for this.  Add in I haven’t been able to get this solved since November and I feel like a failure.  I’ve lost my fight that he admired and I liked in myself.  This doesn’t begin to cover the craziness with the med issues I get told so much I have to do.  Like I can jump up and do all kinds of tests like it’s nothing.  
 

today I just want to curl up and disappear.  
 

 

Gwen 😔 reading that I felt every word from you. It’s like I can feel your energy and the frustration. I am literally sending you my love and hugs. I wish I could give you a real one. I’m sorry to hear your going through this. I see you on my post and others post and you really are a beautiful person with a good heart. I don’t even know you but I can sense that just by things you say. I know am not the same but let me just tell you . Your beautiful. Courageous. And  He’s with you always. Altho he cannot help you in these areas, and believe me I know it’s frustrating bc I also do a lot myself and don’t really have much help. My bf would always offer to help and soemtimes I’d still tell him no bc I “ got it always “. The independent woman in me now wishing he was still here to help bc I’m left to do a lot on my own. 
 

They don’t make men like they did him anymore. 😔 and especially at my age the way this world is.. it’s just sad. But anyways be proud of yourself. I’m proud of you. ❤️ 

On 4/25/2021 at 12:41 PM, JimJim said:

I know right, I mean you go from having a life one moment, and then the next it's gone, just like that, gone! Friends and family, they still have their lives, nothing has changed for them, and I understand in their own way they are trying to help, but I have to tell you when they give me sayings like, at least she's no longer in pain, or she's in a better place

This! They do not understand. I know there intentions are in the right spot but they are not living on with the void of having the one you love physically gone. I’m 28 Jim. I lost my bf he was 29. A drug overdose that nobody including myself expected. My whole world turned upside down and I’m basically living in this new life that I’m forced to adjust to. It sucks, it’s painful I hate it. Iv had moments of wanting to just go be with him bc I do believe he’s on the other side. he was my comfort and that’s where I want to be. With him. Happy again. I believe I will see him again and my pain is telling me I can’t wait till it’s my time. I’m sad it was him and not me. I’m left to have to live this now as I get older. Thinking will I meet another and them love me like he did? These are things that worry me.

I don’t want to sit and sulk I really really don’t. I know he didn’t like to see me cry but this pain is just different. 😔 I’m feeling pretty swallowed by the depression and one part of me is saying stop staying low and another part of me is saying just sleep. I have not felt happiness since he passed a month ago. 

1 hour ago, kayc said:

People are complex.  As with my husband who chose to do meth, unbeknownst to me...he also had heart issues we weren't aware of (meth doesn't help, it thins the lining of the heart), we thought his problems were diabetes, that didn't help either, it contributed.  Fortunately he came clean to me three weeks before he died, but for the entire year after he died, I kept figuring out lies he'd told me to camouflage the $ he'd spent from our household...basically robbing ME and I didn't know it, like telling me he'd ruined the engine on my truck trying to haul another one too heavy.  He gave it away.  I realized later he'd really sold it for drugs.  That was MY truck!  Better than any I've had since.  I earned it before we married!  That's just one example.

I had to come to terms with who I thought he was, and who all he was.  I learned to accept the WHOLE of the man, not just the part.  He had parts to him I hadn't been aware of, but he also was this wonderful man who adored me and would have done anything for me.  Drugs does this to people, promising them wonderful but wrecking them inside, physically and morally.  I am very thankful he did confess to me and got help...he was doing his rehab when he had a heart attack, two days later he had another heart attack that killed him.

Yes he made a dumb choice, his supervisor got him on it so he could get more work out of him.  I'm angry about that as George was already a hard worker and they broke his weight restrictions and basically used him as a slave machine which resulted in his death.  He got $11 hour and had to commute 150 miles/day AND gave his boss rides to work so he wouldn't have to get his wife & baby up to take him, yet neither he nor the company sent card or flowers when he died!  No company representative to his funeral.  They even stole his tools valued over $2,000, this was 16 years ago, that was a lot of $ for then.  But he could have quit the job rather than let them kill him.  He could have made a different choice.  I realize his intentions were good, he wanted to provide me health insurance, he was raised to be a hard worker, thought a man wasn't a man if he didn't work.  In the end, he wouldn't have been able to work anyway, had he lived he would have had to go on disability, he could not continue with his damaged heart.  And I would have been fine, so long as I had HIM.

Wow; your story is very deep and similar; ugh I understand those feelings. I have been in therapy and my therapist tells me not to glorify him and make put guilt on myself and remember why I stepped back from him in the first place. Not bc I didn’t love him but bc of his behavior & reckless childish ways at times. Again Drugs was the last thing I’d expect out of him bc I held him higher than that. Saw more in him. But I never stopped loving him. He didn’t even know love or feelings until he met me. But he was also a bit love thirsty and it became overwhelming for me at times. We had our issues. But I knew he was really trying and I always saw the light in him which is why I never fully left. And we just got back into a great space just for him to do coke and then it just really messes me up bc the person he was with cared more about themselves then his life. I will never ever be able to be ok or accept that. He would still be here today if they were a real human being and called 911 immediately. But no.. some people out there especially with drugs only care about themselves and not getting caught. It’s disgusting. And he was also in the army! He was about to move he had 5 days left in the state. That alone was hard for me to deal with but we were going to make it work. And I knew he was depressed about leaving me and everything but still never expected him to partake in that. N he never thought that would be his last day. I hurt for him more than myself. Iv always and then when I tried to do Right by me and step back I still didn’t feel good about it. 
 

1 hour ago, kayc said:

But now that they're gone we must be our own best friend, our advocate, our caretaker, our solace.  I know it's not the same as when they were here, nothing is, but I've learned to be my person to myself, does that make any sense?  It didn't happen overnight, it took me years of learning, mistakes, figuring out.  

Wow..... so I feel this 100% but I also hate it. He was my biggest fan. He’d do anything for me. He made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.he was my best friend to vent to, he’d listen and he was my go to & I got used to that I hate to say it but I did. Now it’s all taken from me. Now it’s like I have to give all that to myself and it seems like the hardest thing in the world to do. He made me feel so loved and now I lost that. I lost him. I lost my comfort. I’m not only uncomfortable I also don’t really know how to pour all that love into myself especially when I don’t even have the urge to be alive like I just want to be with him. Back to my safe haven. 
 

He battled not loving himself first and I thought I was semi loving of myself but his death just highlighted that I never actually did. That validation he always gave me is what helped keep me ok. Now I have nothing but myself to rely on. And i know that sounds maybe a little selfish but I don’t mean it that way it’s just hard for me to give myself love . Be my own best friend. Hug myself idk... really I hate myself for not doing more or giving him more love or working things out sooner. 💔😭 ugh 

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

you have every right to that anger you felt.  Please don’t let that derail you from the love you both had.  It was a mistake.  Yes, a big one, but not intentional from what I have read you say.  Your grief is heavy enough with  his loss without adding that guilt of, what I feel, is a normal reaction.  It’s so easy to say 'if I’d known'.  Life doesn’t work that way very often

I know he never meant for that to happen. He pressed his luck a lot though. & He knew he also had a heart issue. He drank a lot and I knew that but the coke just completely shocked me. I was very disappointed in him when I found out. And unfortunately I found out when he passed. Between that and him passing I was disappointed, shocked, angry and hurt all in one. I know he’s up there above and he knows I’m upset with his choice. He battled a lot of demons and I know I kept him very in check. But I wanted him to do that for himself as well when I wasn’t there. He put a lot of his happiness in my hands. 
 

that’s when I had to distance a little bc it became a lot and overwhelming for me. But I never fully left, I just didn’t show as much love as I used to. He meant well, he was a amazing person who just self sabotaged too easily. Your so Right though. We get irritated in moments and yes we never expect that person to be gone. But unfortunately when it happens it’s literally a life changing experience im sad any of us have to ever go through. Losing your best friend, your go to person... it’s terrible. I’m sad he’s not here & missing out on things. I’m sad I’m alone. I’m grieving for myself but also his life because it was cut so short but a dumb choice he made. 😔 

1 hour ago, scba said:

Dear one,

I'm very sorry for your loss. I was 35yo when I lost him, he was 31yo.

Let me assure you that it's ok that you're not ok. It's ok wanting to "leave" this earth, wanting to sleep, wanting to be isolated. Your may not be depressed, you are first and foremost grieving. It's very very painful. I described it in my therapy sessions as a "sword" as an "incandescent knife on my chest". Now i say "it's like desert". Things will change. Your brain and your body are working through an unexpected death and it's consequences, which are shock and "waking up" happening in the same hour, minute and day. You trying to battle your body and your brain NOW will lead you to nowhere because it cannot be fixed, it can only be carried. You will survive this. Trust us. 

Eat, drink water, shower and sleep. Survival. Go one day at a time. 

No positivism, no being strong. 

And yes you will fake your feelings because our young friends don't understand. I love my best friend but she told me there were many divorced men for me. 

We are here and you are not alone in this. This is the most compassionate site you could have found. 

Wow I’m sorry for your loss as well. Yeah it’s hard because people tell me oh your young you still have so much life to live but I don’t even want to live right now. I lost my soulmate. Not only lost him, but the love I was used to and felt and made me feel secure. Poof. Gone. The internal loneliness I feel is unlike any other. Your words give me comfort. I’m trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel bc right now I feel completely submerged in the depression pool.  They really don’t understand, Altho they can try but they don’t understand. It’s a different type of loss and they don’t get it.   

On 4/18/2021 at 9:38 PM, JimJim said:

Hi everyone, hope you are all fairing well, and staying healthy!! The topic I selected to title with "Guilt", not survivors guilt, although I did do battle with that one. No the guilt I am speaking of comes from being told that in order to honor My Lovely Wife and Partner Nancy, whom I Love with every fiber of my being, that to live my life to the fullest, that anything else would be a dishonor, we"ll to put it strongly, I disagree, and the reason being is prior to Nancy leaving Dec 3rd 2018, the day time stopped for me, can honestly tell you that I feel are living on borrowed time, but that's another story, but getting back to prior to her leaving, I was living a very diseased life, and yet she still mentally supported me, I was both drinking and drugging, and not marijuana, I graduated from that to the harder stuff, I was still functioning okay, going to work and paying the bills, but come payday I was always making sure to fit it into our budget, Nancy was getting her social security, but as we all know that's not very much so my job pretty much took care of us, I would get upset that bills had to be paid taking away from my needs, a lot of times blaming her for not bringing in too much, I would make her feel guilty, sometimes making her cry, she was doing the best she could, but I didn't always see it that way, so a lot of times because of my needs, we would sometimes have nothing left after me, and the bills were paid, I would convince myself that because I worked hard, I deserved it, putting my addiction first, and yet she continued to love and support me, always telling me how great I was, she deserved better, she deserved the world, only realizing this after it was too late, we always had the necessities, and never went without, but that was pretty much it, always surviving hand to mouth, it could have been better, much better. So jump to now, clean and sober since Oct 16th 2019, since then I have purchased a Niche for a companion urn, all paid for, put together a memorial book in her honor to give to her family and friends, paid for a Rabbi to give Kaddish and held a service in her honor, and are now putting together a DVD to showcase her Art, with music and a bio, and will complete my conversion to Judaism this July 1st, all these things I've accomplished being sober, and I know they mean well, my doctor's and friends are suggesting that then it will be my turn to focus on me, well the thing is focusing on Nancy is my only purpose, I am not now going to even try to live a better life, this is something I should have done when she was here, I can not and will not focus on myself, it's too late for that, and it's not deserving in any way or form, I will continue to maintain sobriety, but that is all, focusing on my self was my issue in the first place, Nancy deserved better than a bum like me!! I am counting the days and pleading with God to please come and take me to her, we were together physically for 24 years, and if I cannot be with her here, then I will have to go to her there, waiting to go HOME!!   Sorry for the long story, it's just I have no one to speak to here about these feelings, appreciate this forum, and appreciate you all, Bye for now

 

 

Wow.... I have some similar feelings about my partner who passed. He would do anything for me and sometimes I took advantage of that.and I didn’t always show him the love he deserved to be shown back. It kills me everyday. We had our issues and at moments I would distance and step back bc that’s how I felt at the time and it even hurt me then because all he ever wanted as me. And I never fully turned my back on him but at moments I wasn’t as comforting or there for him as i could have been. I miss him so much and my world has been turned upside down. I’m 28. He was 29. He turned to drugs and I had no idea and wound up overdosing. He wasn’t even a addict. He was in the army getting ready to move and I knew he was depressed but I never thought he’d engage in that. To numb his pain. It makes me so mad. We talked all morning n were in a Great place and he still chose to do that. It hurts. I can’t help but reflect on everything and hate myself for not being there more thinking maybe if I was hed still be here. 

On 4/24/2021 at 7:34 PM, Gwenivere said:

You are in the perfect pace to speak to others who totally understand.  You will find the world out there will possibly  leading to more isolation.  It not their fault as they haven’t experienced it.  At your age, there aren’t as many as us older folk like me.  But it happens to any age group.  I had to seal myself off from the outside as their attempts of consolation were trite and often platitudes.  We learn a new language overnight entering this.  Again, you haven’t even reached a month.  You are crushed and devastated.  Allow yourself the validation of that.  No matter what path your journey takes, you will be forever changed.  That’s not to say at some point you won’t be function again.  It’s going to take time and yours will be unique to you.  You will hear be kind to yourself and I found that to mean do whatever you feel.  Sit in sadness, pound pillows, scream, cry, whatever it takes to give voice to your pain.  Don’t silence it or it will well up and consume you.  You might even smile at a memory.  Anything goes.  Just try to eat and sleep.  Those you need for strength.many hugs to you as you start this.  You will alway be heard here. 💖

❤️ Thank you. This all means a lot to me and I’m grateful for each of you on here. I am aware enough to know whatever I feel I have to let come but I’m also mad at myself because I can feel how heavy my depression is right now. And I’m fighting it. I don’t want to isolate, but I feel the need to. I don’t want to just sleep all day but that’s all I have motivation to do. I’m a active person and going to the gym doesn’t even appeal to me like that anymore. It’s hard to push myself there although I know that would help me and it’s healthy but i feel so wrong just moving on with my life and he’s not here. I want to just be with him. 

On 4/25/2021 at 8:55 AM, kayc said:

I liken this to brain trauma, like if our brain is bashed and broken...no one would expect us to be suddenly over it, yet often our society seems to think we should just snap back to ourselves!  No, we're never the same again.  Our old self is gone, with the existence we once knew.  Cuddling together on the couch, him jumping up in the morning and saying, "Let's go to the coast!"  I need that person, we balanced each other.  I am the wet rag that ensures we get our chores done, pays the bills, but he was the idea person, the one that made life living color!  He had so much zest for life!  Even after all this time, it's hard for me to wrap my head around how he can be here...and then just not.  He's somewhere, and where he is, I will be someday.  He is the other half of me!

I don't know "when" the shock wears off, it's so gradual as to seem imperceptible, but it's there for quite a while, part of our grief fog that seems to be part of us in early grief.  It took much much time for me to have any clarity.  Like I had shaken brain or something!  Recently my puppy was attacked by a dog while we were out walking...he came out of nowhere and put little Kodie into his jaws and shook and shook and shook and shook him!  It seemed like an eternity!  He screamed/cried, I was knocked down, I punched the dog in the nose and threw myself over little Kodie.  He was so shook up, so frightened, as was I!  It was the most horrific moment.  I think what happened to us is much like that moment.  How do you recover from that?  Little Kodie was lucky, we had x-rays and ultrasound done, after the muscle tissue repaired he was okay...on the outside.  But its affected him, we no longer walk on that side of the street, if that dog goes by his little heart races and his breath catches.  We are never the same again either.  We learn to live with the changes this means for our lives, eventually we no longer expect them to walk in the door...we adapt to those changes, we know we no longer have that person to call, to talk to, to be there for or with us, but never, never are they far from our thoughts!

😔 your words mean so much to me. It’s nice to speak to people who understand. It breaks my heart for you as well and every other person who has experienced this type of loss. That’s the thing, I’m forced to adjust and it makes me feel uncomfortable. What I knew, who I loved, my future all ripped from me now I have to just adjust to a life that right now is very empty and gloomy. The sun doesn’t even lift my spirits. I’m not the type of person to stay down and depressed for a long time but this is just different. I know I’m depressed.
 

I feel so alone and scared of my future because now it all has to change. I know I’m young and have a lot ahead of me, but it still doesn’t feel right and I know I’ll never be the same. No one will ever compare to him and it makes me so angry that the one man who loved me unconditionally, is no longer here. I already battled with self esteem issues now it’s just worse.  I know his spirit is with me. I feel selfish for wanting him here with me when I know he most likely is having a better time in heaven then we are here on earth. 💔 I’m just really mentally not okay and everyone tells me be strong and it’s like... I’m fricken trying. 😭

On 4/25/2021 at 8:55 AM, kayc said:

I liken this to brain trauma, like if our brain is bashed and broken...no one would expect us to be suddenly over it, yet often our society seems to think we should just snap back to ourselves!  No, we're never the same again.  Our old self is gone, with the existence we once knew.  Cuddling together on the couch, him jumping up in the morning and saying, "Let's go to the coast!"  I need that person, we balanced each other.  I am the wet rag that ensures we get our chores done, pays the bills, but he was the idea person, the one that made life living color!  He had so much zest for life!  Even after all this time, it's hard for me to wrap my head around how he can be here...and then just not.  He's somewhere, and where he is, I will be someday.  He is the other half of me!

I don't know "when" the shock wears off, it's so gradual as to seem imperceptible, but it's there for quite a while, part of our grief fog that seems to be part of us in early grief.  It took much much time for me to have any clarity.  Like I had shaken brain or something!  Recently my puppy was attacked by a dog while we were out walking...he came out of nowhere and put little Kodie into his jaws and shook and shook and shook and shook him!  It seemed like an eternity!  He screamed/cried, I was knocked down, I punched the dog in the nose and threw myself over little Kodie.  He was so shook up, so frightened, as was I!  It was the most horrific moment.  I think what happened to us is much like that moment.  How do you recover from that?  Little Kodie was lucky, we had x-rays and ultrasound done, after the muscle tissue repaired he was okay...on the outside.  But its affected him, we no longer walk on that side of the street, if that dog goes by his little heart races and his breath catches.  We are never the same again either.  We learn to live with the changes this means for our lives, eventually we no longer expect them to walk in the door...we adapt to those changes, we know we no longer have that person to call, to talk to, to be there for or with us, but never, never are they far from our thoughts!

Wow... 😔😔 .. yeah he helped me with everything. Everything in my house reminds me of him, anywhere I go, he would do anything for me. Every single day he is on my mind. I dream about him, I just wish this was a nightmare I’d wake up from. I know I’m very depressed right now.. I’m trying to push through it but then I feel like I’m faking my emotions. I know I have to just feel and go through this.. it’s just the worst pain of my life. I have these moments where I just want to isolate and not talk to anyone and disappear but then another part of is like no you can’t do that. But I go out and I’m just not that present. I cry everyday. I have breakdowns. And I’m not at all a suicidal person but I don’t really want to be on this earth on this moment.. 💔

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

A month isn’t a a long time, tho It feels like it’s even an eternity.  You have so much to process, but you’re still in shock.  Your brain overloaded by so many emotions at once.  I’m glad you have some support.  I was numb for months.  Then I had sobbing and screaming jags I thought would never end.  
 

Whatever you are feeling at any moment is normal.  You must remember that.  There is no right or wrong.  Don’t try and stifle yourself  or let anyone do that to you.  Your loss is huge, half of you has been ripped away.  
 

I don’t know any magic words that will help, just that you are normal.  Wanting to be with him, no interest.  trying to stay positive isn’t even something I would expend what energy you have.  It’s too soon to do more than get thru a day at a time.  I hope you have someone that can just listen as that helps so much.  Keep posting how you feel if you can.  Others here will assure you you are not alone.

Omg thank you.. I really need to speak with others who really understand. This feeling of feeling so alone is terrible. Im just waking up and sleeping. I can’t even stay present when I try to do things and push myself to get out. I feel lost and have feelings of not even wanting to be here on earth anymore. I’m not at all wanting to harm myself but life without him right now just is really hard. And I feel like I will always be comparing if I am ever to be with another .. idk I’m just really lost at the moment and depressed   my whole life has changed and I feel numb in this world right now