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Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Leah.lt

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  • Posts

    1
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Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Sweden

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Daughter
  • Date of Death
    2016
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA
  1. Hi, sorry for any mistakes I might make, english is not my first language. I tried to find any relatable information that could help me with my situation but i couldn't find any, so I thought I'll ask for an advice here.. I lost my mother due to breast cancer 5 years ago, i was 22. I had a fair share of losses before that as well so I was familiar with grief, but it was almost nothing compared to to my mother's death. She was 44 years old, so was my father back then, they were married for 20 years. We were extremely close, almost inseparable. Loosing her after the very long and exhausting battle broke all of my family members completely. At first I tried my best to leave everything as it was and did everything the same as my mother used to, I thought I just had to. I stepped in and took care of my brother and father as well, because it was like a distraction from my own feelings and pain... My dad changed completely. He was always the tough one, never showed his feelings and wasn't very sensitive until my mother died. I thought he will be my rock, because I was always the most emotional one, but it was other way around for me. Even though I was deeply depressed I held it all together for them and let them be vulnerable for once. After a while we started to act like everything was fine and dealt with it all in different ways. My dad started drinking on daily basis, because only then he could really let his emotions out. I often had to pick him up from different places and take care of him, it was a mess. Then he acted like nothing happened and never wanted to talk about our feelings. A few months later I went to pick him up, because he had too much to drink to drive home. He gave me his phone and then got a message from some woman.. Without thinking I opened it and i saw my father sent a message to her that he loves her and wants her here. I knew her, she was my dad's first love before my mother and I knew that she hurt him so bad that he never talked about her. Somehow I put everything together and remembered that she reached out to me when my mother was in the hospital asking for my fathers number "to call and check if he's ok during this difficult time". She was married, living in another country and had kids so I didn't think there was anything to worry about. I was so angry I couldn't even look at him. When I asked him what's this he just pretended that he doesn't know what I'm talking about. It created so much tension between us that I couldn't be at home at the same time as him. It was mostly because I was in denial about my mother's death and seeing those messages really hit me - everyone is moving on and I haven't even started to come in terms with the fact.. I felt so alone. Later on these messages became more frequent and I noticed her attacking him with all the memories they had together when they were young and dating, she sent all kinds of old love letters and pictures of herself.. most of the time my dad didn't respond, except when drunk. I couldn't take this stress between us anymore and talked to him about it.. He confessed that he wrote some stupid things to her because he was drunk, that he misses my mom so much he can't even think about someone else and that she's not helping with those kind of texts. I suggested for him to block her because he's obviously not ok and needs to heal first, he agreed to do that willingly. They continued to speak to each other anyways. A year later my dad asked me to book a SPA for a week for two people on my mothers death anniversary (I handled all the finances in the family). He was very private about his life so whenever I tried to ask him about it he got defensive. These SPA weeks became a thing apparently and I finally figured it out - he was there with her. It used to be OUR family place, my moms favourite one.. He never explained what's going on. He just told me that I am being dramatic, they're just friends because she is married and it's all in my head. It went on for a long time, he never took time to tell me and my brother about her, but he apparently showed her to his mother, sister, his friends, even talks to her children... but not us. I had to search for answers myself, talked to my dad's family about it and they told me that he's too scared to tell us and he doesn't know how to act and afraid of our disapproval. They eventually told me that this woman is getting divorced and they are dating, but nothing more. I tried to deal with my emotions the best I could and tried to support my dad, even let him know that it's ok to move on and we want him to be happy but please talk to us... I knew he will date someone eventually, but this whole situation how they got together is not sitting right with me. He never introduced us properly, last month he just asked me to clean all of my mothers belongings in the house until May. I never felt ready to do that.. and I asked him what's the rush and he just told me that his girlfriend will come to visit for 3 weeks and needs some space for her things. I can't even tell you how upset and angry I was once again. No introduction, no talk, nothing. Just like that - make some space for my girlfriend, she's coming to live with us for a while. It was his best idea to introduce us to her by forcing her here. Right now she's here and I'm trying to be as pleasant as possible, but it's sooo hard. Seeing her for the first time and seeing their relationship so up in our faces is so weird and unpleasant... My dad buys her everything he asks for, even the same stuff he used to get for my mom, taking her to the same places, I can't deal.. They're together 24/7 and i can't even talk to him in private about it. It's a lot of stress in our household. I know in my head that I am overreacting probably and that I should be happy for him that he's not lonely, but I personally think she took advantage of the situation when he was vulnerable, groomed him until he liked her and ran away from her husband who apparently wasn't treating her right.. It's like it was her plan all along since she found out that our mom was very sick. Dad says he buys her all this stuff because she never was able to afford it and I am afraid her intentions aren't as good... I am not sure if it's true or is it all in my head. I feel like I am going crazy and i'm struggling to accept their relationship... And I am mad that my father doesn't care enough to talk to us about it. Should I just get over it and let him be? I don't have a problem with him dating and finding someone else, I truly want him to be happy but not with her. Any advice would be much appreciated.
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