Seiryu

@kayc Thank you, I think I understand that as well. No matter how much I'm into it , I didnt just jumped on the first go. My first go was hesitation because yes it is a lot.

Hey everyone , How are you all , I'll try to be short lol , we talked a little for the first time yesterday in eight-nine days and he regrets everything he did during the immediate situation , and asked me if I wanted to try again , he was hesitant a little because things aren't as simple anymore also , its not just about our feelings but how to make it work and if he was willing to take up my parents for confrontation too , a little sooner than what he thought of way before . I told him things I thought we would be needed to deal with if we did it again. And told him to take a few days to think again if he honestly is willing to try and knows that this ( loss of family/friends) will happen again , with me too and with him too , and that he needs to understand that we go through it together and not apart. Idk I think I said enough for him to think more on it. Apart from that , for the first time in so long I felt like things didnt suck that much , Almost as if I talked to him for the first time in three months as myself without thinking what could be wrong or right. That relief or idk how to sum that feeling up but it was better , better than the entire two months till now. Also for some reason I'm a little hesitant as well , there are things to think about since my parents are involved and dont know how they'll react since we are in a country where people aren't very upto relationships and also that his conditions remain that he cannot come to meet me for a long while since his mother isnt well , so I'll need to ask my father to go meet him , thats all I can think of if I have to make it work . But yeah this is all the update for now.

@kayc @MartyT I'll go through the article after the exam today. Thanks for your suggestions. I'm kinda tired , have a lot of body issues so exercising has made me go worse before thats why i used to try mild ones, but all of this is just like taking care of myself so much , so much efforts only to talk care of myself when I've never been okay with myself. I was starting to be okay but now all of this and who knows now. Regardless I'll see what to do I guess , thank you both for the opinions :')

Hey all, How are you all? Its been a while. A lot happened. I'm in my college again , living in the hostel. And although I've tried distracting myself with people , it haunts again and again. He was slipping words a few times when we used to talk a little more , and it made me want to as well , but I did not absolutely wanted to be in a place where cutting ties altogether would happen. I just need to know people I've loved are alive. So I even told him one time that I wouldn't make any mistake talking you , this is the only communication left and so i cannot go wrong , by mistakes i mean the words , things that will take us back to the time we had and hurting us , words like maybe i miss you and everything. I've not said this once from the very beginning even though he almost said it , he said 'you miss me too?' , thats all. Thats when i told him we needed to restrain or this will go nowhere. And he said he will keep a check on him after that And he did , he never said anything of that sort again. But the last call we had. Few days ago , i got a little into contact because some twisted s*** happened in his family and he was just in a mess and asked me for opinion. So i checked on him a little for a few days , last we talked on call , I slipped , for the first time. I was going to say something but i didnt , i stopped so he said 'is it not worth it anymore?' , and I mean , how could anything not be worth it. Communication was our love , since he is a psychologist , communicating everything meant so much . And In that flow i just said ' how will anything I have to say not be worth it saying to you ' and I gave a pause but I couldn't ,it was too much and I said ' I missed you' and he kept his word ,he didnt said anything ,only long breaths , i cried. A lot. College has always been horrendous for me , people I dont wanna be with and things I never wanted to do and the person who made it bearable was him , I walk by places in my campus where i remember was my escape cause I'd be alone talking to him and it would be okay before I get back into the whole sheet works of arch. We cut the call because I couldn't speak anymore , holding back the cry made my throat so full. But we just exchanged well wishes and cut the call. Thats the last call , I didnt contacted him at all after it , he did it once after a few days , showing me his random brush strokes saying his artist has awaken or something lol. But yeah thats the end of it. I always think no contact mightve done good but if I went into it , all I'll ever think of him would be an ex. Its definitely hard right now , but life is slipping so much , nothing holds up for us even for a second , I don't wanna live in a place where people I've loved and who haven't done wrong to me no longer exists , and so I don't wanna be in a place where I am just always finding new people and leaving the ones I've loved. And I forced myself into going out with classmates and I felt alien. People infront of me , most of them looked so normal for this age. Like theyre just living life as it is given to them , not a lot to loose , not a lot of things that they cannot control. I've become this person infront of everyone where I'm unable to show emotions much , cause they feel uncomfortable if I even said something once and tbh they are kids , my classmates , I dont want them to know yet that life fucks you up if theirs is alright for now. Most of the time I've stopped wishing to not wake up in the morning but once i do wake up , I do wonder why. Its not a necessity , I could give things up and rest a few years ahead of the normal age to rest? I'm not sure but a few months or years of sorrow in peoples memories , their lives will not stop either . But once you realise nothing in the life itself has any purpose , you put meaning again and again to just live it , even though we all know we wont make it at the end. People are pointlessly living , maybe its how they forget that all of our walkways ends are the same. I'm not actively thinking of suiciding , but its just I've known this for a long time which is why nothing makes sense to me , thats why he was a goal to reach to stay with. But now I came to understand that death will leave you bawling your heart out and you cannot do anything about it. You work for people you love , but if those people are taken away , what do you do . Its just a thought. Its probably cause I've become tired of people around me that I keep coming here again. Thanks for reading although its just crap , I only feel tired of it all is all I'm saying. Have a Good day! Ps - I've been really wanting to get into alcohol cause I wanna think less , so I've started it a little although my mother knows about what all happened with me so she is against it cause its not happy drinking right now, but like everyone only ever tells me there was no solution to this , And I know that but like if thats all people will always say , I'd rather try to let go of my senses altogether is all I think. Its kinda bad I guess , I know that and its pathetic , but I dont think I care a lot. If all I need to do is suck it up , I'd do it with alcohol maybe. Therapy didnt worked online and offline wont happen since pandemic is still in a bad shape in my place. So yeah.

You are worthy of it all, I see that very well. I'm glad of the point you currently are at. Its very admirable :') I'm still pretty much in the starters of this all , one minute at a time i guess.

My bad , It isnt my first language. Regardless , I just thought of getting left with a mail or something and it sounded harsh. But I understand if they had a condition. Sorry for the wrong choice of words kay.

I don't think no matter even if I wanted more , I won't say it. Severing ties is something I cannot do right now , its merely this thing when I know he isn't well , I cannot bring myself to work unknowing of his condition , its not something with any regards of the relationship , considering he almost came out of death , I can't not be in contact if death knocks again. Thats my worst fear , people dying when I didn't knew , at least ones who I care for. Likewise love will always be there , it will change its form that I'm unsure of but it could. Its not being in touch (barely ) with him thats tiring, thats the most relieving thing that he isn't dead. Whats tiring is everything else , I dont think I've been crying a lot lately , i dont think I'm crying at all , just once in a few days now. The rest of the things have just become numb in a way. The memories are all fresh , they dont go away even if the person has. Its a lot of losses everywhere that pile up. I'm not in contact with him enough for it to cause any hinderance in things a lot. But sometimes I just want to quit acting like an adult. I think of what will be the better option , didn't let myself loose at all. Sometimes I dont want to. I didn't think 20 years would show me this pain , it really sucks to know that people I know in my immediate circle would never relate to me , why was I given all of this at this age? I dont know . I do feel numb , will be going to college and dont know how to cope in that hell hole campus but I'll be busier. I'll probably just get into drinks and gatherings. It sounds better. Thats sad. And he did a fedex. I dont think I would ever not hate someone if they did this as a breakup , I cannot with disrespect.

Hey all been a while Few things , I went to therapy , Couldn't help me I feel , kind of tired also , its just finding therapists again and again , I don't know , I've never been able to be okay with myself that I'll try so much for my ownself. So I'm not sure. I talked to him few times too , barely 2 maybe , otherwise its just me texting how he was cause there were things still left to do for his fathers last rites and I couldn't not ask if he is at least physically alright. They had to take the ashes to drown them in a different city so the day before it he texted me asking how i was and then continued with that 'tomorrow will be heavy' when they had to travel with the ashes. I listened as usual , then later that evening he said he finished his masters :') got the certificate and was thanking me for being there. Honestly I dont really know what I did but yeah I told him it was his efforts amidst this horrible reality that he still managed to do it. I made a playlist for him the next day incase he gets time alone in travelling , he could use it. Fast forward to now , They came back safe and things are just bad , the relatives and everyone left right when they came back , formalities. He also had a page / website and everything for psychology since he is one and I was there when he started it , the community is beautiful rn , he has managed to counsel so many people for free and it was so great to see him happy when people responded positively to it. Almost 1.5 years of work on it. In the recent days of our breakup , he said he didnt know how to go back to that page and space without me because for him I helped him when he was helping others. He has two more team members in it ,and i thought they will figure something out but he told me day before yesterday that he disbanded the team , he cannot work as a team at all now and everything. I dont know how to help him or what to do about it. It will take time , a lot of it. But I only told him to not delete the page itself , teams can still be made , its nothing irreversible I said. I hope he gets it. I feel the joy he used to get from helping people should not be forgotten. They were the reason why he was himself too. But yeah , things have been hard , I'm being called to my college in offline mode even though there is covid and I hated the college space but it was alright when he was there ,now I'm just anxious and scared of it. I'm getting so much anxiety just thinking about it , Its always been him I used to go to but I cannot do that now i guess? I'm probably not allowed to. And therapists just wont work for me i feel , i tried and it never leaves me the fact that these people are only here for the money and nothing would impact them of what happens to me. Kinda stuck I guess , kinda do think it'll be okay if I just sleep and donot wake up peacefully at this point. Im pretty tired of it all. I know I wont harm myself , thats another guilt but sigh. Either way how are you all doing too :')

I dont really know it yet kay. I'm trying to move because he is trying too. Will have to see for myself.

Honestly , he was the person who was on the other side of this. Always being there for everyone , maybe because of the nature of his job but he never believed in that someone cannot be helped. I want to be that now , just for him, its okay even if I have to pretend to be alright , eventually I will be okay someday , but if it gives him any kind of hope I'll do it. Also he isn't rejecting things , but the situation is such that he is extremely binded because the only one who can do anything is his mother and she is devastated as of now. If anything I'm trying to see what can be done , their city of residence dont have any support groups for people who've lost someone or are elders , and online wouldn't fetch her , I'll try asking my therapist what can be done . There is one thing though , I didnt wanted to say to him so I haven't as of now , but he is completely doing anything that he thinks will be okay for his mother , but life is such that it really does slip away unknowingly , I dont know what he will do when aunty wont be there , i really just am hoping he comes to this realisation when aunty is still here and try to not get into something he wouldn't wish for 10-20 years from now. Thats also why I want to go to meet him and his mother once I have some reputation or standing enough for my words to be taken with some weightage and not just brushed off. I think it will also help his mother if a person who is doing well , tells her that his son will be okay , you dont need to rush him into everything cause you are worried for what will happen to him when you're not here. I kind of want her to listen to these words when I've something to offer more than mere words , I dont think I want to take the responsibility of me loving him by that point of time , it will be foolish to think he will still love me and not have found someone else , but also that if he still continues to feel like now then I wouldn't mind it , as much as I know ill cherish his existence till I live there is no two second thought about it but I wont expect it out of him. If by that time , he allows the marriage to happen to him with someone for the sake of the pressure on him, I'll have to leave this thought ,but if he doesn't. Ill go meet them. Umm tell me if I'm being delusional lol . I know it can be hard to maintain the thought , but talking to him made me convinced I want to do this. If I were to die today , I cannot do anything at all. This life is because he is , I kind of want to return that favor. It still hurts incredibly ,knowing he did this , can't really complain to anyone , no one is to blame , the limbo gets me many times in a day ,but it also remains ,I dont regret loving him or meeting him. He says sorry everytime I've talked to him , which is thrice in more than 10 days and he is angry at his own situation too , its too much for anyone he is very angry why it all happened. I'll stay here and look after him as much as I can. I'm not sure what lds is. By elders I mean , the eldest people after his father , like his fathers brothers and all.

I think ill do this. Actually she(my therapist) told me to write a letter in a way things I wanted ,because as things stand I didnt wanted anything at all , everything was for him and this gave me every reason to continue forth with life. Ill take some time and slowly write everything I can before the next session. Thank you! I'm sorry for people treating you like that. I may be very young but I understand that anxiety and its physical repercussions and honestly it takes in so much energy to fight it in the moment and then people just fly it off with mere words. He used to put me on grounding techniques to try to get out of the immediate anxiety. Also anxiety is a survival response , often comes from fear , thats what I've learned. I'm glad you know people are wrong. Yes actually we talked on call when he got free. I didnt fall apart hearing him , I was glad he is just alive amidst this brutal reality he is trapped into. I felt so relieved hearing him. Although he is constantly going worse for now but only holding on for his mother. I realised I cannot do anything but be an emotional support to him for now. If I need to help him in real , I need to get my degree and have a standing in terms of money to help at all. Losing a father has put him in a very constrained manner infront of all the other elders who dont have enough sympathy or care. And its very frustrating but he will need to hold on , I can only watch at the moment. I thought a lot upon this , for hours and there is no other way for me to do anything except getting my degree first and becoming stable and well enough that none of the elders will interfere with his life( I dont mean it to be romantic way , but just his life alone , I want to give him his space if I can where he used to be him ). I'm glad I have the opportunity to work at least. He is alive. Im very , very grateful that he lived. Kay , I really do wonder why life is how it is. Why is it so unfair and keeps taking. Thank you for existing kay. You're saving so many people , I wish for nothing but kindness and peace for you in your own life. Thank you really :')

Hello , Thank you for those words @kayc . I had my first counselling session today but as much as I'd say she is professionally capable , but I just cannot express my grief. In the end it came off as a mere heartbreak and someone who i only relied on. And honestly I couldn't correct her , I had no energy left. She tried , but I'm just bad with speaking it out. Texts are way better for me. And so i read through your message and its more comfortable to me reading that than the session i had with the professional. Thank you again. I think I will try to take this one day at a time. Although I asked my therapist and after the entire situation she told me its better if i texted as a friend for support to him and I fully agree. I dont know why but because people were trying to help me through just a breakups point of view that my grief couldn't be conveyed enough whenever I actually speak. I've been given some task to do till the next session. I still dont know what to do but I texted him to talk , to give him a final word to try to talk to me. If he knows fully well that I'm progressing with my therapist , he might come and just grieve a little. Thats for the better. His grief is too great to bear now that after his father , his mother is still ill. I'll probably try to stick around and see if he needs help or something , because he clearly is not grieving yet , he was grieving a bit with me before but i just pushed him to his sister thinking he cannot grieve over calls or anything , but I might've been wrong. So I'll ask him again now. This group gives me a little peace of mind to know that I said something that someone who gets it ,read it. I'll keep coming here , thank you

Thanks Mary , I read it. Unfortunately the circumstances are a little different but thank you for sharing.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Words cannot describe this pain and with it the exhaustion i have of this life. But he lives , I wanna see his life , even if that was the only purpose left.

Kay , the thing is I have people who want to see me live another day everyday , including him. But people never realised I wasn't living for myself , i was supposed to have died two years ago when after everything my body had given up on me too, I mean I had lost the reasons to live years ago and thats when he had came , he gave me reasons , lest to say he was the reason. I dont know what people do when the one who saved you , has to leave. Its hard , and honestly I know it can be very harsh for what I'm doing but right now , I'm more worried on how he is , because he hasn't really even began grieving yet , i suggested him to talk to his sister. It had been 5 days since i last contacted him and tomorrow is my first therapy session , the one thing he always wanted eagerly to see me doing , he was the one from the beginning who wanted to see me actually see life like he did , he couldn't bear it when I couldn't , he helped me so much, he is a clinical psychologist , idk if its that but he was so very kind to the core unlike me . So i texted him today , i didn't cried more than twice today so i thought i can handle it , and i mostly did it because i wanted to know if he gave himself the space he deserved to grieve or not which my gut said he probably isnt. So i texted him today and as i thought , he still hasn't started grieving , i cannot push him because his mother is still ill , the loom of death isnt exactly over yet , and he would never on his life do anything that could harm her further , so i guess he wont really grieve and i just told him if he realises that this will never work , and he said he knows , either way i told him he can reach me without resisting much , i really dont think i can ever forgive myself if i cannot do this much for him after not even being there when his father passed away. He responded that ' it wont be good for you ' but i only said 'I'm starting therapy , have some faith , i can take it' and he replied with ' youre too good arent you' , and it was the saddest I've seem him as while complimenting me. He showed me what love is supposed to be , he said it more than once after the seperation that this relationship will be his ideal perfect relationship, I feel that more than ever , he showed me how love and be loved. He had always in every chance complimented me , but whenever he used to do so , he had this wide smile and his beautiful eyes going kinder and gentler with a affirmation that he was so lucky that I am with him. Yet todays felt so dark .After the separation when he texted me because they found an unexpected report of his father which he hid of his then condition , few days before his death , its a lot to take in but when we talked that time , he said ' i really dont deserve you at all' , as I stand , i knew i was stripped of the right to even say , i am here infront of him. He only needed to put some faith. There is nothing i can not bear more than him being alone right now. I dont know what the future holds , honestly this person saved me and has saved so many others that this is too cruel. If i can still be of use for him. Its fine. I am getting help myself , i can probably bear it. Although his words look like he wouldn't do anything that he thinks will make things hard for me. I hope for once he choose to see me as a person who he can rely on even for a bit. I dont know if I'm wrong, Kay or anyone reading this. I dont really know. Its a lot of hurt and i still am hurting , but more than me , this person didnt deserved any of this. He asked of me to live , as the last thing for him when we were separating , he asked me to live and keep living till one day we can meet again ,and that he wanted to talk and cry with me. Probably of how cruel the world was to him and to us , of how we were stripped to the core of any humanity. Lest to say if I do survive this period of time , which I dont know how , I honestly want to give up, trying and trying again has made me very tired and there is a wound I know would never heal or fill up and to live with it sounds very exhausting but nevertheless if i survive this with therapy or somehow, I will meet him , no matter if he had another person ( if his then partner would be comfortable) or not , it wont change the fact that we brought to each other more than a relationship , we brought peace and trust , we shared a period of time. I honestly need a little opinion someone so it'll be great if you could respond . If it looks like I'm coping , I'm not lol , I am at the edge everyday, but as much as I'm not coping , how i cherished this person and wanted to see him grow from the start doesn't changes , the pains a lot that I need to just accept that he wont be here even if he lives. That no matter what you do , life will still choose to ruin you. Devoid you of everything you want to hold onto.