CathyG

I have had days where every time I see my sisters picture, or think of her I cry, today was especially hard for me. I was on the treadmill and for some reason I couldn't get her out of my mind, and just started crying uncontrollable while I was walking on the treadmill.. I kept up my pace and did 30 minutes, but my tears kept coming for some reason. Most days I am okay with everything, but just out of the blue, the memories flood my head and the tears come very easily.  My faith keeps me grounded, plus my loving husband also..

Thank you Kay for the kind words, so very sorry about your husband, prayers for some peace everyday... 

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Thank you.  Just to keep the record straight, I’m not a brother.  I’m a woman.  I’m sorry about your sister. 

I am sorry Gwenivere I thought I was posting on Al's post...so sorry about your loss also... ❤️

1 hour ago, AlvinC said:

Sister, you made it here. I am glad. I think about you a lot too. Losing a twin is horrible, I know that. I have been thinking about you today especially because I have been scanning pictures  like crazy (pre-digital photographs are becoming like the slide-rule: obsolete), getting ready to make Dorothy's Memorial video for the service. I just did a rough count and I have over 1300 pictures pulled together already and the video may only use 150 of them. But I want to get the best 150 possible, if I can. And your folks almost never took pictures of you separately, so all the young pictures of Dotti are also pictures of you. Occasionally I get stuck trying to figure which of you I am looking at. 

I love you too Sister, and I am really looking forward to seeing you for the Memorial. 

My anxiety medicine is finally to work, and this morning I woke up with almost no symptoms for the first time in a long while. So, I dived right in on working on the video. Forty-six and a half years makes for a lot of memories, and lots of pictures. 

I hope you are okay, and moving forward with this terrible grieving. Dorothy was a very special woman and I will miss her until the day I die. I know you will too. 

I have the grandkids coming over today so I can watch them for a couple of hours and that should cheer me up. They are so precious. 

Yes I finally decided to do this, it does help for sure, and I am so glad the meds are finally working, mine are also, I had to add one to my current one to get through this grief.. they do help, plus I have been on the treadmill everyday since she passed except maybe a few Sundays..It helps me to think of something else, and her picture is on the wall by the treadmill and I smile at her...  the grandkids will cheer you up  for sure.. they always do, take care, I will see you at the memorial.

I am not as proficient as you on the computer, so sorry I posted on the wrong one...oops

32 minutes ago, AlvinC said:

That was posted by Dotti's twins sister. She thought she was talking to me, and somehow quoted your post. I don't know what happened but it was definitely a mistake by her. 

I am so sorry I thought I was posting on Al's post....very sorry. 

On 7/23/2021 at 1:00 PM, AlvinC said:

I'm going through my days with little direction. I wake up and check my email and then try and find something to hold my attention. I had one little bright spot pop up, when I found that if I put on some easy listening instrumental music, I could do a bit of writing. I added a couple of chapters to a book I have been working on this year. I haven't been able to work the plotting out on paper first as I used to do, and I may have to go back and redo it all over again, but just being able to write at all felt positive. I had a followup appointment yesterday with my doctor, to see how my anti-anxiety medication was working. It definitely has helped some with the anxiety, but my body doesn't like it much, so the jury is still out whether or not I will keep using it, or will switch to something else. Time will tell. 

I have nowhere to hide. My father was an alcoholic and that pretty well messed up my childhood, and I swore that I would never do that to my wife and kids. So, I have done very little drinking in my life, and so I can't see me getting drunk to solve my problems. I don't do any recreational drugs, and I even gave up smoking in 1998. So, it's me and my grief going head to head, with just a little assist coming from my anti-anxiety meds. (The place where I live doesn't allow pets, not even a goldfish. No help there for me.)

Every day I ask myself, "What's the point of all this?" I have no goals left me. So, I am poking around trying to find something that matters to me that I can pursue. Maybe, if I can get my focus back, I can make YouTube videos again. Maybe I can find something else that matters to me. I write because I enjoy it, and I can use it to help me sleep at night. I have no thought of selling it. And now the only reading audience that mattered to me, my wife, is gone. 

So, I am treading water in a river that is carrying me along, with no knowledge of what lies ahead, and no way to know when that will change, if ever. I just never really faced the fact that this day could come so soon. Deep inside, I knew it could come, but I lived in denial, until I was slapped in the face with the event itself. What a mess. 

I am so very sorry brother, I think about you as much as I think about Dorothy.  I can only imagine how hard it is for you now that she is gone.  She was your everything and you were her everything.  I love and care you you brother.

On 7/18/2021 at 7:49 PM, Gwenivere said:

I even find going to sleep a bit dreaded as I know I’ll have to wake and get up.  Definitely hate it.  I’m wondering if I’m becoming antisocial as I got more depressed meeting with some people I see every Sunday.  Just w sited to leave and be home even tho I’m so lonely.  Definitely going to be a topic for my counseling this week.  Have 2 Zoom meetings Monday and I find them more comfortable.  A few months ago I disliked them for lack of real contact.  I really have no idea what is happening to me.  All I want to do is cry.  I can’t stand the pain and my options.  

I'm so sorry brother, wish I could take your pain away.. I do my share of crying also, usually every night when I lay down to go to sleep. I am the opposite of you, sleep is very hard for me, that is when I think about her more and see her in my dreams, different times we had so much fun together.. I love you brother, and praying time will bring you a little peace.

I guess I am still upset that the way she died is making me crazy cause there are vaccines available now for Covid, and she didn't believe in the vaccine.  I wish she would of got it, and hopefully then she would still be here with us.  I have not had contact with her for about eight years due to a disagreement we had in 2013, but I have never stopped loving her and checking on her thru her website DWLZ or her facebook.  Neither one of us would start a conversation with the other, we are both stubborn, I guess, and now I wish I would of contacted her sooner. I did talk to her before she passed away but that was not enough time with her.. I am so sad that I will never have the chance to make amends with her and that I will never see her again.  I definately feel for her husband Al, my brother, because they were married for just 12 days shy of 45 years and did everything together.. I do better during the days, but at night I dream of her and all the fun things we did together and with Al..She was alot of fun and loved people like me.. I miss her beyond words...love her forever... ❤️ ❤️