MaggieAmn

On 7/18/2021 at 11:31 PM, razorclam said:

Dear Maggie Ann,

A few words for now, as I process your post. I do hope you can find as much support as possible. Coming here was the right things. Therapy is supposed to be confidential, so hopefully you can find a therapist somewhere. It's good that you have your recordings. If you did not delete them, your WhatsApp chats can be backed up and dowloaded. You were very wise, and fortunate, to have built good connections with his family. They are his immortality. I personally found great comfort in communicating with his wife and kids, which is very infrequent as they live overseas. I hope that continued contact with them can eventually bring you some comfort. 

 

You are right. Specially his sister who missed out on his last days and is unable to handle grieve. She calls me for comfort. I feel that we can help each other. I am dying to tell her my story, but still don't have the courage. I am not sure if I should share it though. Thanks for the idea of WhatsApp back up.  

On 7/18/2021 at 7:14 PM, kayc said:

Every relationship is different, his relationship with his cousin is different than with you, so naturally you are grieving differently than her.  What is grief if not missing them and continuing to love them?  My world shattered when my husband died 16 years ago, it was sudden and definitely unexpected!  We also carry loss of our dreams/future with it.  We were supposed to grow old together, instead I'm growing old alone...that was not the plan!  It took us a lifetime to find each other, he was my perfect match, my soulmate and best friend, how do you replace that?!  You don't.

When you have a connection like that, you don't "plan" it, can't conjure it up, it just is, almost like it's fated.  I think it's possible to connect with more than one person in one's life, but no two will be the same, and of course, some only  find the one...if they're lucky, some never have that.  I've learned to be thankful that we had even those short few years together, some never do.  My heart is with you in your sorrow. 

 

Thank you for sharing your story. It is comforting to know that there are people who understand this pain. Gives me hope. 

Thank you kayc. The craziest thing about us is that both of us had espouses whom we loved and cared about. We never planned to leave them, nor did we cross the line with each other. It was just our hearts that felt connected. 

I do have a close friend who is also his cousin. She was the one who brought us together in the first place and gave me his number years later. She was happy that we got reconnected.

BUT she is only sad for his passing, definitely not grieving. She expects me to do the same, which is impossible.

Thank you so much MartyT

I was his first love. We had a very matured mostly long distance relationship since I went to college soon after we met. We parted ways and lost contact after 4 years. Thirty years later, I got his number from his cousin. I couldn't resist calling him one day. The moment we heard each other, the feelings erupted. We were like kids crying. But we both were married and we wanted to respect each other's marriage. So we developed friendship with each other's espouses and families. But deep inside we were dying.

We talked on the phone every week and communicated through WhatsApp everyday. We managed to meet 6 times during the next 6 years, but could never meet alone (we live in different cities). We were like love birds wanting to break loss from the cage. Six days before his passing, he said that he was not feeling well. The next few days we continued to  talk over phone and texted as his health deteriorated. A day before he passed, he could not pick up the phone. I talked with his wife. The next day I called his wife again to enquire about his condition. Two and a half hours later, she called me again  and said that he slipped off without a word.

I cried and cried. My heart broke into million pieces. No one knew the dept of our relationship. Families and friends know that I am grieving the loss of a friend, but they do not know its depth. I try to heal by making videos of him, in his memory and by talking with his sibling and wife. But it gets worse.

Incidentally, I had recorded our last few phone conversations. Happened that I had turned on my call recording as I was expecting an important official call. And I forgot to turn it off later. I found the recordings later after his death. I was so happy.  I treasure and listen to these conversations. It makes me feel as if he is still alive. But I have lost interest in everything except think about him, look at his pictures and videos, or listen to his voice recording. It gets harder day by day. No one knows that we were in love. Going to a therapist is not an option as I am known in the society and the story will blow up. It's one and a half months since he is gone and I continue to go downhill.

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I hope you will tell us more about yourself if you feel comfortable doing so.  You could start your own topic so people could see it easier.  I’m sorry for your loss.  I see it is so dry recent.  💔

Thank you. I will when I get the strength to do so. I think that will help.

On 3/19/2020 at 6:58 AM, razorclam said:

Hello all,

 This is my first post to this forum. Nearly one year ago I lost my delightful, witty, very sensitive and intelligent soul mate. I was shattered by his death, and am still seriously grieving him one year later. 

 We knew each other for 25 years, professionally. We were both married, with kids, and lived on different continents. We caught up roughly every 3 or so years at the big international conferences, and did not communicate in between. Two years ago he informed me via email that he was terminally ill. I went all in: Emails, texts, and deep chats, multiple times a day. We fell in love. We met in person twice during his last year. Held hands and kissed, but nothing more. 

 I was proactive. I made sure to get from him the names and emails of people close to him who I could (and did) contact when he went silent. 

 Our spouses knew about our friendship, but did not consider either of us a threat. Neither partner was aware of how intense our relationship really got in the final months. I met his wife and kids once before he died, and have since maintained friendly, infrequent contact with them.  

My essential issue is that I am still grieving hard at the one year mark. Experts would probably call this complicated, or disenfranchised grief. But I am so much luckier than most people coping with cybergrief, if what I read in the heartbreaking thread initiated by Finch is any example. (Does anybody know what became of him?). After all, I met my friend face to face; we maintained electronic contact right up to his last 12 hours; we exchanged “I love you’’s the day before; his wife described to me his relatively “good” death, and his moving, dignified funeral.  I was even able to visit his grave 9 months later. Our professional community honored him with a tribute session at a recent conference. So, lots of opportunities for closure. What more could a cyberfriend ask for? 

And yet. I still feel broken up inside, I shed tears nearly every day, and rage at the injustice of his fate. For the first few months my siblings and friends were wonderful, responsive, and great listeners. But I can tell that they feel I should be getting over it by now. So, it’s down to just me and my therapist, though I have never found my appointments with her very helpful. 

I try to shake off my self-involvement, and do things that are physically and mentally beneficial. I read, I take an exercise class every day, I spend time outdoors, I have several social groups that I engage with regularly. I work full time in a demanding, high-level job. I play music as a hobby, I travel for both business and pleasure, and I spend a lot of my free time visiting elderly relatives. I have done some journaling, and written a few short vignettes, one of which I think is good enough to submit to the New York Times as a tiny love story. But, my friends have discouraged this move, saying that his family or mine might see it and be hurt by it, even though the content is quite neutral. 

So, can somebody please tell me what else I can do to make this terrible pain go away, or at least diminish? Thank you for reading.

I joined this forum because I am in your shoes now. Mine happened recently. Our stories are very similar and I can deeply feel and relate to everything you say here. I am going downhill. But reading your story lightens my load a little knowing that someone knows what it's like.