It's been two painful months since my ex wife died. For many years she was everything to me. After we divorced we took some time to ourselves and became better people. We became good friends again over the years. Sometimes more depending on each other's current relationship status. We always joked we'd end up in the nursing home together. When the chips were down and things got tough in life, she was always there for me, and likewise I was always the one she leaned on. We were high school sweethearts. We married too young and she died too young.
The last time I spoke to her was two days before she died. The night before she died I was on a redeye flight home and pondering our last discussion for hours. Thinking through the reasons we should get back together. Thinking about how we really belong together. Thinking about how she was the only one out there in the universe who really knows me, really accepts me and makes me feel loved deep down in my soul. Wondering if I'd get up the courage to do something about it. I was contemplating leaving my current girlfriend and giving it another shot with my ex wife. The next day I get the call that she died. She wasn't overweight, she didn't do drugs and she quit drinking years ago. But she had an underlying heart condition and she died suddenly of it. It took a few days for that to even sink in. I just talked to her! She was only 6 hours older than me (36).
I knew how she felt about me and I'm pretty sure she knew how I felt about her. I just hate there were things I wanted to say to her that I didn't have the courage to say out loud to her face. There's a lifetime of this rollercoaster and messy, beautiful relationship. So here I am processing all the grief of her death (which is hard enough) as well as this messy, unfinished 18 year relationship we shared. I've been reliving all of it. The good, the bad and the ugly. The pain and the beautiful moments. Exactly half my life has been with her in it. I thought we had plenty of time to figure things out and get it right. I don't even remember what life was like before her.
