i would say most things were caused by our ignorance and i deeply regretted about it.
Mimi got diagnosed with a suspected tumour on her heart by first vet which she claimed is quite rare in dog (via ultrasound, due to old age she dont suggest anasthetic MRI/CT/Biopsy) a month plus ago, then we went for second opinion with the second vet (which is kind of the most well known vet in our town) saying he cant see anything via Xray. So that left us with meds, biweekly ultrasound monitoring and occasional thoracentensis. Now to think back all the medical signs, maybe vet in your area would recommend to put her down already but vet here never mentioned about it, and due to our ignorance we thought this can be cured or something, sadly the ending wasn't as what we expected.
So the day before, we took Mimi back to the first vet for her biweekly ultrasound monitoring after some additional meds, the result came back good, fluid had been decreased and that gave us some hope. At that point, we still didnt think Mimi will be dying hence we didnt have any end-of-life plan or talks at all.
On the day, Mimi woke up feeling unwell, so we took her back to the first vet, she was surprised what happened overnight and did a thoracentensis, right after that Mimi perked up so she suggesting that we should take her back home to let her rest and maybe she can get past this hump but she did warn us things may get bad again.(here comes again my regrets, i should have put her down, i should have given up all the false hope but we didnt) Then we brought Mimi home, she was able to eat/drink and even did a round of short walks to pee & poop. She went back to sleep then after 2 hours, she is gone.
I should have planned for a at-home euthanasia right after she got back home but we didnt, that's the perfect timing. i had so many chance to help her for the transition but we didnt. How can i? how can i do that my girl. She is like our kid for me and my wife, we brought her to travel around the country although malaysia is not a dog frirendly country, but all that doesnt mean anything anymore, we failed her the worst way, we made her suffer in the end. I cant accept that, i really cant get past it. She passed on and there's nothing i can do to change anything. Nothing right or good happend in my life will mean anything to me since i had failed the most dearest creature on earth to me and i cant do anything to change that.