jathas

That's exactly how my husband was. He was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes around 2003 when he was in his early 30s, so he was dealing with that for almost 20 years. He finally ended up getting an insulin pump a year or two ago. He also had severe spinal canal stenosis and a herniated cervical disk, which he was likely going to need surgery on because the doctor told us that if he were to fall a certain way or be rear-ended in a car accident, he was at risk of becoming paralyzed. However, there was no surgical treatment for his spinal canal stenosis and he was on oxycodone for MANY years, which wasn't really even working all that much for him anymore and the pain was getting worse and worse. He was a paramedic in Boston for many years, so he really screwed up his back lifting/carrying heavy patients and stretchers. They had to be extra careful about doing steroid injections on him because of his diabetes (steroids can make your blood sugar go through the roof), so he was in almost constant excruciating pain. Even just walking through Target or Walmart was difficult for him in recent years. He said to me about a month or two before he died, "I just have to accept the fact that this is my life, that I'm never going to be pain-free and I'm never going to feel well." It broke my heart to hear him say that. I would have done anything I could to make him better, but it was just out of my control. 😥

Thank you so much! Yes, it's extremely difficult to lose a spouse (especially who you feel is your soulmate) at any age, but I NEVER in my wildest dreams expected to become at widow at only 40 years old. The possibility just never even crossed my mind. I always thought we would grow old together. Obviously, since he was 11 years older than me, was a smoker (which I am not), and had many health issues, I was always fairly sure that he would go before me, but not for many more years! My husband hadn't even been 52 for a month when he passed. He turned 52 on June 4th and passed on June 28th. Even his own mother, who had EVERY SINGLE health issue that my husband had and WAS in a wheelchair for many years due to losing her leg to diabetes (which was where my husband was headed) lived to be almost 70, so losing my husband when he was only 52 years old wasn't even in my wildest dreams. It was like the hardest punch in the face you could ever receive. It has been almost a month since he passed, yet I feel like time has frozen and I'm still stuck in that day that I lost him. It's the worst feeling in the world. Nothing seems normal anymore. My entire life has been turned upside down. I went from being an 18-year-old kid fresh out of high school and still living at home with my parents to meeting and being with my husband, so I've NEVER been alone. I literally moved in with him within about a month of us meeting. The longest we were ever apart during the 22 years that we were together was when he had to go to New Mexico for work for 2 weeks back in 2015, but at least during those 2 weeks we were in constant contact through phone calls, text messages, and Facetime. Aside from that, we were really never apart. I totally resonate with the statement about feeling like 90% of you died, because that is EXACTLY how I feel right now. My husband was my entire support system and we just always had each other's backs and would do anything for each other, no matter what. We had such a strong, unconditional love. I don't know how to adjust to not having that. 😥 I feel the same way about talking to a therapist who has never been through something like this themselves. They may want to help, but until one has been through and experienced the tragic loss of a spouse/significant other/soulmate, there is just no way they can understand. Thankfully, my husband and I have the most amazing mutual best friend who has been our best friend for 21 years (since my husband and I had only been together for a year). She has always been more like family to us and she knows both of us inside and out. She also has experienced A LOT of loss in her family and has a great deal of experience with grief. Ever since the day my husband passed, she has been coming over every single night after work to talk and cry. Both my husband and I were/are her absolute best friends. My husband was almost like a younger brother to her. I also have my parents, who try to be as supportive as they can and also come over, but again, they have never been through this, so don't truly understand the pain. Since he passed, I've had many of my husband's old co-workers reach out to me on Facebook and tell me how lovingly he always talked about me and how clear he made it how in love with me he was and how proud he was to have me. One woman even said, "I've never heard any man talk about his wife the way that he talked about you." Those messages mean so much to me.

I'm going to post the video of my husband from our Ring camera. This was from 4 days before he passed. You can zoom in on his face when he sits down and see the look of defeat, misery, and exhaustion in his face. The cane he was using was because of his diabetic foot wound. It was so clear that he was done with it all. It breaks my heart to watch it, but it REALLY shows me how he was feeling in those final weeks and days. RingVideo_20220705_110310.mp4

This is EXACTLY what I am dealing with. I was grieving/mourning/depressed for several years before he passed, just because of everything we were dealing with as far as his never ending list of health issues and lack of ability to have any real quality of life. I swear, one week it would be one health problem and then a week or two later it would be something else. It was nonstop with very few breaks in between ailments. It was like this for the last several years. Because of this, my grief is definitely multifaceted and has several layers to it. I felt like I had already lost my husband well before he even passed. It was like he was just a physical body who was here, but the personality, charm, and intimacy were entirely gone. He was no longer the man who I had fallen in love with 22 years ago and later married.

I totally get all of this. Even well before my husband passed, I feel like I was already grieving and mourning the loss of our marriage/relationship as I once knew it. That was a MASSIVE part of my depression. I just kept remembering all of the good years when we used to always be on the go doing different things, going different places, being spontaneous and happy, having fun, and just genuinely enjoying each other. One of the things that we loved to do for many years was to go to Starbucks and sit with our coffees. We would just talk, relax, and enjoy ourselves. We haven't even been able to do that in quite a few years (partly due to COVID, but we stopped going even before that). I SO BADLY missed the person my husband used to be before his health got really bad. He was AMAZING! He was also sexy! However, as his health continued to spiral, that person gradually faded away and I was left with almost this shell of my husband who was constantly tired, grumpy, irritable, rarely ever felt well, and was never able to do much of anything. This went on for years. I had never been so depressed in my life, and I know that my husband was very depressed as well. It's not like he WANTED to be constantly sick and in pain. It was like we were homebound and couldn't go anywhere because of his health issues. Still, all that aside, I'd give anything to have him back. 😥

I think a lot of people don't like to talk about the real, raw aspects of their marriage/relationship after their spouse/significant other passes. I loved (and still love) my husband with all my heart, but his multiple health issues that only progressed and worsened over time was extremely difficult on us and our marriage. It created SO much stress. There would be times when my husband would be in the hospital for days to a week at a time for one issue or another and would be missing work, so that obviously created financial hardship and stress as well as arguments. Yes, I have a career and work full-time as well, but we really needed both of our incomes to make ends meet. When my husband started working from home with me in 2020, his health started sliding even further downhill. His energy and motivation to do just about anything became less and less. He would go from his office to the bedroom and back and there were many days during the week when I would hardly see him. He literally had ZERO energy left after working all day and frequently would be in bed by 6, 7, or 8 pm. Even my parents (who are 76 and 85) stay up much later than that. I would get so frustrated because I WANTED to see him and I WANTED to spend time with him. I ENJOYED his company, companionship, and our conversations about any random topic. He was my best friend and I was just so sad because of the state he was in and, really, had let himself slip into. As a result of this, I, myself, slipped into a severe depression where I, too, had essentially given up on ever having a life again. It drained my energy as well. I know that he had severe chronic back and neck pain and had knee issues since he was very young, so exercise was tough for him. I totally understood and sympathized with that. He was actually in pain management for years for his spine issues. I never once faulted him for that. He did used to walk on the treadmill many years ago, but then stopped doing that. There were times when I could tell that he was REALLY trying to get better and to live a healthier life, but these last couple of years, it seemed like he had just totally given up. I have a video clip of him from our Ring security camera from 3 or 4 days before he passed. He was outside alone and I saw him sit down and he just had this look of pure exhaustion and defeat on his face. He looked like he had just run a 5-minute mile, but he had only walked outside from the house. It broke my heart. That little video clip of him really told the true story of how he was feeling. You could read his face like a book. He was done. Now, I'm alone and would give anything to have him back. 😥

This is EXACTLY how I would feel so frequently! I've worked from home for about 18 years, but my husband just started working from home 2 years ago due to the whole COVID situation and even though we both worked from home, I RARELY saw him. He was always so exhausted and drained after working his 8-hour shift that there would be many days when he would almost immediately go and lie down in bed and sometimes I wouldn't see him for the rest of the night until the next morning. We hadn't even had a sex life in 5-6 years due to his health issues and my resultant depression (and I hate to use the word resentment now that he's gone) over the entire situation. Literally, it was like we were just roommates with very little contact or communication. However, my love for him never diminished. It just broke my heart so much because my husband used to be SO much fun before his health issues really started taking over. He was spontaneous, funny, jovial, and loved to do things. He was a VERY charming guy when he was healthier. These last couple of years have been especially bad. I hated seeing him constantly sick, in pain, and hardly ever feeling well. It was devastating and I so badly wished I could make him better. I would get so ecstatic whenever he would come out of his office or the bedroom and actually talk to me and not be so grumpy and irritable because of his misery. Those moments during these last couple of years really meant the most to me, because it was really all that we had left.

I have definitely been receiving signs from Matt. It started that night within hours of his passing. There have actual been multiple different signs that have absolutely no logical explanation as to why they occurred and are still occasionally occurring. The very day after he passed, I was scrolling through Facebook and there was an ad that stopped me dead in my tracks. It was an ad for a T-shirt that said "Husband and Wife - Not Always Eye to Eye, but Always Heart to Heart. We're a Team - A Bond That Can't Be Broken." I had NEVER seen this ad before in my life and anyone who uses Facebook knows that a majority of ads on there are super repetitive and you see the same ones over and over and over again until you finally hide them. I had NEVER seen this ad before and I have not seen it since. This ad was also the EXACT type of thing my husband would have shared with me on Facebook. There have also been some wonky things going on with my wireless iPhone charger that I've had for two years and have NEVER happened before. It started several hours after he passed and then didn't happen again until this past weekend when I was having a breakdown at my desk and my charger suddenly started doing this wonky thing again. I think it's my Matt giving me a sign because he knows that's one I would recognize and I've told several people about it. Also, a couple of our cats, who were always VERY shy around everyone except for Matt and I have suddenly warmed up to our best friend. Before Matt passed, these two cats would always BOLT whenever she came over. We've had these two cats for years, one for 7 years and one for 5 years, and they were always terrified of her, but now, every single night when our best friend comes over (as she has done every single night since Matt passed), these two cats almost IMMEDIATELY run up to her and want her attention and scratches and pets. We also think this is Matt. I miss him so, so much and I never imagined living my life with anyone but him. He was THE love of my life. He was my first and only love. Like I said, I met him when I was only 18 years old and it's been he and I ever since as a team. I was with Matt for over half of my life. 😥

This sounds exactly like me! When Matt (my husband) would frequently need me, which would interrupt my work (we both worked from home), I would sometimes get frustrated and take it out on him and would tell him that I can't keep having all of these interruptions in my work. I feel SO HORRIBLE for taking that out on him. It wasn't his fault. He just needed help. I KNOW that he didn't want to be any sort of a burden and I really hope I didn't make him feel like he was, because he wasn't. That was just my own frustration. I would so often take my frustrations over his poor health and how it severely impacted our lives and finances out on him. I wish I could take all of that back. I am a young, active person and I SO badly wanted to be able to do things with my husband and go out and explore the world, have mini adventures, take our dogs places, travel a bit, and have fun like we always used to, but I knew he was physically incapable of doing those things anymore. I lost my patience and got frustrated with him because I loved him so much and I SO BADLY wanted him to get better so we could drastically improve the quality of our lives and actually HAVE a life again. When you are dealing with a spouse or significant other who NEVER feels well, has no energy or motivation, has nonstop health issues, injuries, physical ailments, and almost weekly medical appointments (sometimes multiple appointments in one week), it's almost impossible to have a life that you enjoy. I got so depressed that I lost interest in almost everything. I just sat in my office and worked all day and all night. It deeply affected me and now I have all of this guilt and grief and I'm trying to find some way to move forward after spending over half of my life with him. It feels insurmountable. I'm only 40 years old. I want to have a life. Maybe I do want to date and love again when the time is right, but right now, I am just SO lost and I miss him SO, SO much. My mom is 76 and my dad just turned 85 and they are in fairly decent health and my dad is still very active, but I worry about them constantly, and now that I've lost my husband, that worry has only intensified.

That's exactly how I felt. I really was his caregiver these last several years, and I was also his advocate with his healthcare providers. Even though I didn't go with him to all of his medical appointments (I had to work), I was almost always the one making phone calls or sending electronic messages to his providers telling them what he needed or informing them of what was going on with him. I was his voice a majority of the time when it came to his healthcare. I would literally fight for him if I didn't feel that he was receiving adequate care. I was fiercely protective of him. I also did everything he ever asked of me, whether it was something as simple as making him a sandwich, filling up his water bottle for him, doing his laundry, changing the bandage on his foot these last couple of months on the days when the visiting nurse didn't come, etc. I was ALWAYS there for him. I may have gotten irritated at times, which I feel bad about now, but I was ALWAYS there for him, no matter what. I was very, very sad and frustrated that the life that we once had together was obviously long gone and that it would never be the same because of his declining health and chronic pain issues. Even before his diabetic foot would that developed this past spring, it had gotten to the point where even just walking through a store was extremely difficult for him because of the pain he was in, so our shopping trips were usually fairly rushed because he couldn't do it. His energy was entirely depleted. It broke my heart to see him in that condition and I always so badly wished I could do something to make him better and get our lives back to the way they used to be back in the "good old days," but I just felt so helpless. 😥

Thank you so much for this! I tried to do everything I possibly could for my husband to make him feel better and to be happy. I tried so hard to encourage him to make the right choices and lifestyle changes for his health. Honestly, these last several years, dealing with his many complicated health issues, I, myself, sank into a very deep depression because we weren't the same couple that we once were. It was almost like his health problems came between us at times. My husband had SO many physical limitations because of his chronic pain and other ongoing and complex health problems. He just had so little energy and was frequently grumpy because he felt so miserable. When we were younger and while he was still in decent health, we used to travel, be spontaneous, go places, be active, walk our dogs together, and have fun. However, over the years, that gradually stopped because of his declining health and worsening chronic pain. He couldn't drive for long distances any longer because of his back and neck pain, so that prevented us from going on a lot of trips that we used to go on. Did I feel resentment and frustration at times and it did it sometimes cause friction between us? Absolutely. Did I stop loving him or ever even think of giving up on him? Absolutely NOT. I was committed to him for the rest of my life and loved and deeply cared about him and I only ever wanted what was best for him and I never wanted to lose him. Even before he passed, I feel like I was, in some way, grieving the loss of our relationship as it once was because his health issues took over our lives and it was so frustrating and depressing, I'm sure for him as well.

Thank you. I know that my husband made many extremely unhealthy choices throughout his life. I even told him (on several occasions, I believe), "I am your wife, not your mother. I should not have to tell you to do/not do these things," but he did what he was going to do no matter what I said or thought. He was an adult. He was even 11 years older than me. I just wish I had responded so much differently when he asked me if I wanted him to go to the ER when he first started having shortness of breath and I flat out said no. But, I realize that he was a full-grown 52-year-old man and he could have gone on his own if he felt that he really needed to, regardless of what I said. He's done it before. I NEVER wanted him to go to the hospital, but when he really needed to, he went, no matter how frustrated or pissed off I was about it. This time, though, he didn't....at least not until it was too late. I honestly think it was a combination of being scared and just so sick of constantly having to be hospitalized in these last few months. His health has been poor for so many years, but it had gotten much worse in the last couple of years or so. It's been literally one thing after another with his health. I think deep down I knew this would eventually happen, but it's still such a huge shock and I am beyond devastated.

True. It's just hard because I was reading through some of our text messages from the days leading up to his passing and there was one text where he said, "If you want me to go to the hospital, I will" and my response was, "We are right in the middle of buying a new house and you have missed so much work these last couple of months. We literally cannot afford for you to miss another day. You have NO sick time left and haven't had a full paycheck since April." So, he didn't go, and I feel like he was looking for my guidance and encouragement, even my permission to go to the hospital. I KNOW he didn't want to go and he was SO sick of hospitals from being in and out of them for so long, but he was turning to me for advice and I did NOT respond how I should have. I should have INSISTED that he went. I should have driven him to the hospital myself. I will NEVER forgive myself for that. I just truly did not know that what he had going on was actually to the extent of being life-threatening. My husband always sought medical attention when he really knew he needed it, but this time he didn't until it was too late and I'm pretty sure that I was a major factor in that. I was being selfish and was more focused on work, money, and the new house. I'd give anything to get just one do-over and maybe he'd still be here. Maybe all he needed was a day or two in the hospital to treat his presumed clot and he would have been home. He told me a couple of days before he passed that his new primary care had taken him off his blood thinner and diuretic that he had been on for years and needed about a month prior. I hate myself so much. I feel like I'm largely responsible for my husband's death. 😥

This was what I worried about with my husband. He was told multiple times that his foot needed to be amputated and that was the only definitive treatment and he was even warned that it could lead to death if he were to keep the foot; however, my husband was ADAMANT that he wanted to continue with wound care, antibiotics through his PICC line at home, and he wanted amputation to only be the very last resort option. His own mother also lost her leg as a result of her diabetes complications and was in a wheelchair until the day she died just over 14 years ago when she was 65 of a massive stroke while we were visiting her. He was TERRIFIED of becoming like his mother in that regard. With all of my husband's other health problems, I can't help but wonder if amputation would have sent him on an even further downhill slide.

Thank you so much for all of the very kind responses! This is the MOST painful, gut wrenching experience I have ever felt in my entire life. I am very fortunate to have my parents, extended family, and friends and they try so hard to be supportive, but with the exception of one friend/former co-worker who lives out of state and lost her husband in 2009, none of them have ever been through this or truly understand what I'm going through. Until you lose your soulmate, your best friend, the love of your life, and your partner in life, you can never understand the physical and emotional pain that it induces. This is a grief like none other. I thought losing pets was hard enough, but this is 100-fold. I know that my husband made some very poor decisions regarding his health (i.e., continuing to smoke after double-bypass surgery 7 years ago and despite me begging him to quit since we first became a couple 22 years ago), poor diet, total lack of exercise, being obese, etc., but I just feel like I should have urged him MUCH more strongly to go to the hospital when he very first started experiencing shortness of breath a few days earlier. I told him to go to the ER, but when he said no, I dropped it and didn't push the issue. If I had known what he had going on was this serious and was actually life-threatening, I would have dragged him to the hospital myself. Honestly, I initially thought his shortness of breath was just from being so deconditioned from being basically immobile for 2-3 months because of his foot wound. I did mention the possibility of a blood clot to him, but we both kind of dismissed that idea. We were both just so focused on working and getting ready to purchase our new home that we had just gone under contract on. Our mutual best friend keeps getting pissed at me for blaming myself, but I just can't help the way that I feel. I put so much pressure on my husband because he had missed SO much work in April and May due to being in and out of the hospital with his diabetic foot wound and infection and I told him we couldn't afford for him to be hospitalized and miss a whole bunch of work again. I feel like THAT is why he didn't go. However, I do also know that he was SICK TO DEATH of being in the hospital. He was SO frustrated and felt so defeated. He had been battling so many chronic health issues for so many years and he was in constant pain from his spinal stenosis and herniated cervical disk and it got to the point where even his opiate pain medications weren't really even helping all that much anymore. His quality of life has been terrible. The last time he was in the hospital several weeks before he passed, he was stuck in the ER for 6 days because they didn't have any inpatient beds available and he HATED it. He said it felt like solitary confinement and it was so noisy and chaotic that he couldn't even sleep, so, ultimately, I know that he really didn't want to go back to the hospital either. He also loved his job (he had JUST received a promotion and a raise only days before his passing) and was so excited about this house that we were about to buy. Sadly, he waited until it was too late to seek help this time. I would give ANYTHING to be able to go back in time and do this over and get him the help he needed sooner; however, as my family and friends have said, with all of the health problems he had (especially in the last 1-2 years his health has really snowballed), there really isn't any guarantee that getting him help sooner would have made much or any difference in the outcome. My dad said to me that if it wasn't this, it would have been something else. He REFUSED to quit smoking or make any other lifestyle changes to better his health. Maybe I shouldn't use the word "refused." Maybe he just didn't have the motivation and I know the chronic pain that he had severely limited his exercise ability and I think the smoking calmed his nerves. For the longest time, my husband would have fluid weeping from his legs from congestive heart failure and I feel that his health was very poorly managed, but I also realize that he, too, had to take some responsibility for his own health and not just rely on doctors. I tried so hard to help him and encourage him and to get him to change his ways so he could be healthier and feel so much better and not be sick all the time. I am a health and fitness guru and I tried to lead by example, but he just wasn't following. At times, I was very gentle in trying to guide him in the right direction to make better choices and other times, I would say something like, "What in the hell is wrong with you?! Do you WANT to die?!" Nothing worked. He was so set in his ways. All that aside, I miss him SO, SO much. It's overwhelming how much I miss him. Even our dogs keep looking for him and it breaks my heart. Our dogs were his babies. I feel like they always brought my husband and I so much closer together because they have always been like our children (we never had any kids). He was everything to me. I had been with him for over half my life. How am I supposed to just go on with life after losing the person who meant more than anything to me? We should have had DECADES left together! It's completely unfair! The worst part of my day is waking up in the morning and realizing that he's not here. I literally cannot imagine myself with anyone but him. He truly IS my soulmate. The one comfort I have is that in the 3 weeks since he's passed, I have received SO many Facebook messages from people he has worked with at various jobs over the years and they ALL said that he would CONSTANTLY talk about me, brag about me, and tell everyone how much he loved me and how proud he was of me. I had one woman message me who he used to work with say that she has NEVER heard any man talk about his wife the way that my husband talked about me and how clear it was that we were the loves of each other's lives. Those messages mean so much to me. Thank you all for listening. I find it very therapeutic to talk/write about it.

Hi everyone, I'm new here. Sadly, I very unexpectedly and suddenly lost my husband on June 28th. Tomorrow will mark exactly 3 weeks since he passed. He was much too young to go. He had just turned 52 only 3 weeks earlier on June 4th. We were together for 22 years. In fact, we had just celebrated our 22nd anniversary not even 2 weeks earlier. I had been with my husband since I was only 18. Funnily, we met in an AOL chatroom. We started chatting online and then that progressed to very long phone calls. We lived a little over 3 hours from each other, but about a week after we met online, he made the long drive to meet me and spend several days with me. He was 11 years older than me, but despite the age gap, we developed an immediate bond and connection and almost immediately fell in love and have been attached at the hip ever since. Unfortunately, my husband suffered from many health issues/conditions over the years. He was a brittle type 2 diabetic, had coronary artery disease, had double bypass open-heart surgery at just 45 years old, a heart attack at just 50 years old, congestive heart failure, obstructive sleep apnea, chronic back pain from (inoperable) spinal canal stenosis, and suffered many episodes of pancreatitis for 10 years until they finally took his gallbladder out. He was also a smoker, which I BEGGGED him to quit for 22 years, but he just couldn't/wouldn't for whatever reason. For 2-3 months before his passing, he had been in and out of the hospital multiple times with a very severe diabetic foot wound. At one point, he was septic and very sick from the infection. He had home health come to our home 3 times a week to clean his wound and change his dressings and I did it on the days they didn't come. His foot was actually getting better and the day that he passed, he was supposed to have an appointment with his podiatrist to discuss reconstruction plans (they had to remove some severely infected bones in the foot). On the day that he passed, I had just woken up and was lying in bed scrolling through my phone as I usually do upon first waking up before getting up to let our dogs out and start my day. Both my husband and I work from home and he had been in his office working all morning. I then heard him calling me for me and he sounded very distressed. I jumped out of bed and ran to him as fast as I could. He was having SEVERE difficulty breathing and he was trying to get up the stairs to get back to his office. I helped him up the stairs and got him to his office chair. Both my husband and I were paramedics years ago and we both knew something wasn't right. I asked my husband if he wanted me to call 911 and he said, "No, just give me a second" so we waited a couple of minutes to see if he could catch his breath, but then he said, "Call 911," so I did. About an hour after the ambulance had taken him, I called the ER to see how he was doing and I was told he was "stable." I was relieved by this, so I took care of a few things around the house and planned to head to the ER to be with him. I then called the ER another hour later before heading over there to check on him. They then gave the phone to the doctor, who told me that he was in very critical condition and had coded twice in the ER. He said they were able to revive him and get him intubated, but that he was "barely hanging on" and "could pass away at any moment." It was like the entire world froze when I heard this. I actually dropped the phone. How could he go from being stable an hour ago to knocking on death's door an hour later??? I told the ER doctor that I would rush over. I called my parents (who live in the house across the street from us) and then I started to get ready to rush to the ER. Then, my dad showed up at my door a few minutes later. He had called the ER to check on my husband and was told that he had just passed away. It is believed that he had likely a pulmonary embolism, either from his PICC line or from being so immobile for the past 2-3 months with his foot wound, but he didn't survive long enough to scan for a clot. I feel SO guilty because he had been feeling a bit short of breath in the days prior, but he wouldn't go to the ER because he knew he couldn't miss any more work as he had already missed so much from being in the hospital and he was trying not to let me down. I should have MADE him go and I feel like this is partially my fault for not making him seek medical attention so much sooner. Since that day, I have been in a complete state of shock, not being able to wrap my head around the fact that my husband, my soulmate, my rock, and my best friend of 22 years is gone. We have hardly been apart since the day we met 22 years ago in June of 2000. We had SUCH a deep bond and connection. We had something that is very rare (especially these days), which was true unconditional love for each other. NOTHING could tear us apart, and we went through a lot over the years! Like most couples, we sometimes butted heads, fought, and argued, but the strong and intense love that we had for each other always held us together. The other night, I had a dream that felt like a visitation from him. I am the type of person who typically does not remember dreams at all, or only remember very tiny bits and pieces of fragments of them and they are usually totally meaningless, but in this dream, I was in another state and couldn't figure out how to get home, but knew that I needed to rush home to my husband and was panicking. In this dream, I had my phone and I tried to text and call my husband, but it was like I couldn't figure out how and didn't know how to use my phone to contact him. Then, like a jump scene in a movie, I was back in the city we live in, only I was at the house of a VERY old childhood friend from over 25 years ago who I used to live next door to when I was very young. I have NO idea why this house was randomly in this dream. However, I KNEW that my husband was in that house, so I ran in and there was a strange man who I didn't recognize and had never seen before who was trying to prevent me from getting to my husband, but I pushed past him and went into the next room and my husband was there. I could see him as clear as day. I immediately ran up to him and hugged him so tight and kept saying, "I'm so sorry. I love you so, so much" over and over. I remember being able to feel my husband and running my hand through his hair and feeling his facial hair. He was wearing one of those white tank top undershirts that he used to frequently wear. He had almost a blank look on his face and didn't say anything, but then I saw that he had tears in his eyes. This encounter with him only lasted seconds and then I woke up. It felt SO real. I woke up crying and literally cried all day. It was SO powerful and emotional. I've never experienced anything like that in my life. I miss my husband so much it physically hurts. I just don't know how to go on without him. We were true soulmates. We could finish each other's sentences and would often say the same thing at the exact same time. We were a team and did everything together. All of his old co-workers that he's worked with over the years have been telling me that he CONSTANTLY talked and bragged about me and told them how much he loved me and how lucky he was to have me. One of his old co-workers said that she has NEVER heard any man talk about his wife the way that my husband did and that it was very clear that we were the loves of each other's lives. It makes me miss him even more. I feel so robbed. I'm only 40 years old and have already lost my soulmate. When he passed, we had JUST gone under contract on our dream home and were due to close on August 8th. I'm still going through with it because I know that's what he would have wanted me to do and he LOVED the house and was so excited about it. This is just so unfair. We had our whole lives ahead of us. I never imagined my life without him. I always felt so safe and protected with him and he took such good care of me, and I of him. He was my entire world and I'm terrified of going on without him. I have been with him for over half of my life and have NEVER been alone before. 😢