Minerva

On 5/19/2021 at 5:08 PM, Gwenivere said:

I remember talking to Steve a lot for the first few years.  I don’t much anymore.  I think about him constantly. Hear him, can envision him at will.  I don’t know where or if he is.  I’ve felt nothing from him.  Little by little the talking just faded away.  I see the changes around our neighborhood and the sadness as they take away it’s charm and I can’t talk to him about it.  Mourn him in the still existing sources of many memories.  Places we took the dogs or ate are now emotional triggers that haven’t eased in all this time.  I’ve checked out new places and they feel cold and empty without him being a part of it in some way.  Even if it was a one time trip to a new fancy grocery store I knew I’d never frequent, I’d find something to bring home we could try.  Just for fun.  That’s what I miss, fun.  He made life worth the problems that come with it.  Now life is just a passing of time.  Never knew where it led, but it wasn’t as uneasy when we were going forward together.  Haven’t unearthed any rare gems since he left.

Your thoughts here describe much of what I'm feeling now. It's been just two weeks and already I have noticed that places and things and interests we shared now have lost their savor. I can't talk to him anymore about any of the things we enjoyed together, and those memories hold more pain than pleasure now because I am the only one alive who remembers them. Does that make any sense? It's like my past and the experiences we had together have been erased by his death, the present is full of despair, and the future is dull and gray. 

Intellectually, I know he's gone for good, yet emotionally it feels as if he's just on a business trip and will be home soon. But it's been only two weeks. I think I'm still in denial.

I thought I might want to move out because there would be so many memories triggered by staying in the house we shared for decades. That does happen, but so far I've managed to shut them down and I have had no urge to flee. Yes, the emptiness that is left after he died is very depressing and the loneliness is sometimes unbearable. He was larger than life and without his presence, the house feels like an empty theatre after the leading man has left the stage forever. 

On 9/18/2022 at 9:52 PM, Chocolate said:

Yours is the kind of response I thought I'd get to the post.  At least you can sleep.  I have a heck of a time sleeping.  It's been a problem since menopause began 30 years ago.  It's just the the house is so empty without him.  He filled up all the nooks and crannies in ways I didn't realize he was filling it.  I even got myself a 5 foot teddy bear and put it in his easy chair

I just lost him four days ago and I am having to avoid certain areas of the house where he spent most of his time, like the living room and even the kitchen. He should be there, and he's not, and I dread being there without him. We shared two dogs and two cats and they have become my reason for getting up in the morning.