LookingToImprove

For sure. I’m working on letting it be and letting it go. But I also feel that things didn’t work out because of the horrible situation, and how new our relationship was, and that with time the ground will be fertile again to see what could be between us.

I don’t hold it against her because she doesn’t even know herself right now. I don’t feel like this is indicative of how she is as a person, but just in this situation. And I think she knows that about how I handled this situation as well. But it just seems like a conversation would be worth having.

What I still struggle to understand is how she went from sending me thoughtful gifts and a sweet note expressing how much I mean to her, to a few days later suddenly and abruptly severing all communication with me, without a conversation. I realize that on my birthday I was wounded and needy, and that made me come to represent pressure and stress at a time when she had no bandwidth for that. But its been over a month later, and she's not reached out to me at all. It would help me a lot to be able to talk to her. I didn't do anything to warrant being shut out completely...

Oh definitely. I'm explicitly clear on what she's asked of me, and what she needs, and I don't intend to violate or disrespect that need. Am I a fool for holding on to hope?

I ended up writing her a long email saying all of the things I wanted to convey. She responded pretty immediately with a very clear email saying that she needs space, and when I contact her it feels like I don't value her need for space, though she knows from having been in my shoes that that's not what I'm intending. She said she chalks this up "mostly to circustances". She said "if and when" she's ready to contact me, she will. What's hard to understand is that she's been spending time with friends, and going out. I know from what I've read on this forum that she's able to spend time with friends because they don't represent the pressure and stress I came to represent to her. I just don't understand why she doesn't want any contact with me at all. I've got some hope that if I give her space that maybe with time we can start fresh and try to be in a relationship again. But its a bit confusing that she can't handle any kind of communication with me right now.

Thanks Boho-soul. Very poetic and profound advice. There's no doubt you're correct. It is just hard, and right now I feel very sad and rejected, and just confused as to how she could completely shut me out. I know this is incredibly painful for her, and she just has to tend to her own pain and grief. I just feel really unconsidered, and rejected. I know this isn't uncommon for this kind of situation, and that I'll eventually accept and get over it. It's just hard right now.

I’m definitely looking inward and learning what I can from this situation. It’s hard not to beat myself up when I feel like I could still be in a relationship with this amazing woman if I had just been less selfish and more understanding of what she was going through…

I don’t know about that. If I had just backed off and given her time and space instead of seeking validation and reassurance she wouldn’t have broken up with me, and probably would have appreciated me for being understanding during the early days of her grieving. But instead I was weak and needy which turned her off and pushed her away.

Yeah, I've read a bunch of these and definitely see that there is a type of person that pushes relationships away when they're grieving. Perhaps my gf was this type of person. But perhaps its because the relationship was too new for her to pull me closer during this? Or perhaps she was having doubts about the relationship, and those thoughts were distracting from the grief she was consumed by. Either way, I came to represent pressure and stress, and guilt, and I don't think there's any undoing that. Especially with her having completely shut me out. I wish we could talk and understand each other and she could realize that we're great together, and remember all of the amazing adventures we'd be going on if we were still together. I realize I sound like everyone else that has posted in this forum that eventually had to learn to let it go...

I realize she's in horrible pain, and devoid of any energy for anything other than grieving. Is there anything I can do at this point to make it so she doesn't resent me for adding stress and pressure to her already horrible situation? I worry that the damage has been done, and she'll never forgive me or want to include me in her life again. My heart is aching that she has shut me out of her life, after she was including me before. I made her feel like I wasn't someone she could turn to because of my needs of reassurance and validation that she wasn't able to meet. I wish I could remain in her life and be able to be a source of support again.

It's been 2 weeks since she's contacted me. 3 weeks since her father passed away. I sent her a couple of texts yesterday in hopes that we can talk, since we never got to have a conversation about breaking up. She's ghosting me, and it hurts that she's completely turning her back to me. When this tragedy happened, I made myself as available and there for her as I could. I was willing to take work off and travel to wherever, and she kept me at a distance, and ultimately closed the book on me. It's sad.

All great feedback and objective perspective on this. Will definitely be using this time to work on myself and focus on my own needs. Thanks so much for taking the time to share your wisdom with me on this.

I completely understand this. But I WAS in her life, and she has friends that remain in her life. If, with time, I can remove any pressure or stress that was associated with my previous expectations of what the relationship was, maybe there's space for a friendship. I can't stress enough that there's a special connection between us that I believe has the potential to go the distance. Of course, if she doesn't have space for it, I respect that. Such an awful thing to have happen to her. I'm heart-broken for her.

I totally understand that she’ll be grieving this loss forever. But she’ll still be an amazing woman, and will be emotionally available again for a relationship at some point. Can’t I be a friend to her during this period?

In my last email to her, a week ago, I said towards the end: "I hope this isn't the end for us. I think there's something incredibly special here. But you have more important obligations and work to do. I get it. Feel free to reach out to me if you need a friend, or crave a bad joke, or for any reason at all." She hasn't said goodbye, or that its the end forever. I know I shouldn't hold onto hope, and that statistically its unlikely to work out. But I DO hope in time we can come back together because I truly think there's something incredibly special between us.