LookingToImprove

For sure. I’m working on letting it be and letting it go. But I also feel that things didn’t work out because of the horrible situation, and how new our relationship was, and that with time the ground will be fertile again to see what could be between us.

I don’t hold it against her because she doesn’t even know herself right now. I don’t feel like this is indicative of how she is as a person, but just in this situation. And I think she knows that about how I handled this situation as well. But it just seems like a conversation would be worth having.  

What I still struggle to understand is how she went from sending me thoughtful gifts and a sweet note expressing how much I mean to her, to a few days later suddenly and abruptly severing all communication with me, without a conversation. I realize that on my birthday I was wounded and needy, and that made me come to represent pressure and stress at a time when she had no bandwidth for that. But its been over a month later, and she's not reached out to me at all. It would help me a lot to be able to talk to her. I didn't do anything to warrant being shut out completely...

Oh definitely. I'm explicitly clear on what she's asked of me, and what she needs, and I don't intend to violate or disrespect that need.

Am I a fool for holding on to hope?

I ended up writing her a long email saying all of the things I wanted to convey. She responded pretty immediately with a very clear email saying that she needs space, and when I contact her it feels like I don't value her need for space, though she knows from having been in my shoes that that's not what I'm intending.

She said she chalks this up "mostly to circustances".

She said "if and when" she's ready to contact me, she will. What's hard to understand is that she's been spending time with friends, and going out. I know from what I've read on this forum that she's able to spend time with friends because they don't represent the pressure and stress I came to represent to her. I just don't understand why she doesn't want any contact with me at all.

I've got some hope that if I give her space that maybe with time we can start fresh and try to be in a relationship again. But its a bit confusing that she can't handle any kind of communication with me right now.

Thanks Boho-soul. Very poetic and profound advice. There's no doubt you're correct. It is just hard, and right now I feel very sad and rejected, and just confused as to how she could completely shut me out. I know this is incredibly painful for her, and she just has to tend to her own pain and grief. I just feel really unconsidered, and rejected. I know this isn't uncommon for this kind of situation, and that I'll eventually accept and get over it. It's just hard right now.

I’m definitely looking inward and learning what I can from this situation. It’s hard not to beat myself up when I feel like I could still be in a relationship with this amazing woman if I had just been less selfish and more understanding of what she was going through…

I don’t know about that. If I had just backed off and given her time and space instead of seeking validation and reassurance she wouldn’t have broken up with me, and probably would have appreciated me for being understanding during the early days of her grieving. But instead I was weak and needy which turned her off and pushed her away. 

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Quite honestly, please don't beat yourself up for being human, you didn't know.  Normally a person would extend your grace.  Personally I believe she'd have shut you out regardless, some seem to respond in this way, while others like myself do not.  You don't know until they are in that situation.  You are fine...be extra patient and kind and understanding to yourself, you focus on you and be around supportive people, after all, you are very much grieving as well.

Yeah, I've read a bunch of these and definitely see that there is a type of person that pushes relationships away when they're grieving. Perhaps my gf was this type of person. But perhaps its because the relationship was too new for her to pull me closer during this? Or perhaps she was having doubts about the relationship, and those thoughts were distracting from the grief she was consumed by.

Either way, I came to represent pressure and stress, and guilt, and I don't think there's any undoing that. Especially with her having completely shut me out.

I wish we could talk and understand each other and she could realize that we're great together, and remember all of the amazing adventures we'd be going on if we were still together.

I realize I sound like everyone else that has posted in this forum that eventually had to learn to let it go...

I realize she's in horrible pain, and devoid of any energy for anything other than grieving. Is there anything I can do at this point to make it so she doesn't resent me for adding stress and pressure to her already horrible situation? I worry that the damage has been done, and she'll never forgive me or want to include me in her life again. My heart is aching that she has shut me out of her life, after she was including me before. I made her feel like I wasn't someone she could turn to because of my needs of reassurance and validation that she wasn't able to meet. I wish I could remain in her life and be able to be a source of support again.

It's been 2 weeks since she's contacted me. 3 weeks since her father passed away. I sent her a couple of texts yesterday in hopes that we can talk, since we never got to have a conversation about breaking up. She's ghosting me, and it hurts that she's completely turning her back to me. When this tragedy happened, I made myself as available and there for her as I could. I was willing to take work off and travel to wherever, and she kept me at a distance, and ultimately closed the book on me. It's sad.

All great feedback and objective perspective on this. Will definitely be using this time to work on myself and focus on my own needs. Thanks so much for taking the time to share your wisdom with me on this.

1 hour ago, Boho-Soul said:

I'm quoting Marty's response to your question, ask yourself - "Whose need am I meeting here?"

Perhaps you're wanting to be a friend with the hopes that if you are in her life in someway then the relationship can survive. It appears you're thinking about what you need and not looking at this from her perspective. Her life has been hit by a tsunami, as well as her family. Any extra energy she may have would be directed towards them.

I completely understand this. But I WAS in her life, and she has friends that remain in her life. If, with time, I can remove any pressure or stress that was associated with my previous expectations of what the relationship was, maybe there's space for a friendship. I can't stress enough that there's a special connection between us that I believe has the potential to go the distance. Of course, if she doesn't have space for it, I respect that. Such an awful thing to have happen to her. I'm heart-broken for her.

1 hour ago, Boho-Soul said:

I agree. She's lost in grief and needs space. You have to accept the fact that she may not be the same, her grief will lighten or fade somewhat, but it will never end.

I totally understand that she’ll be grieving this loss forever. But she’ll still be an amazing woman, and will be emotionally available again for a relationship at some point. Can’t I be a friend to her during this period?

In my last email to her, a week ago, I said towards the end: "I hope this isn't the end for us. I think there's something incredibly special here. But you have more important obligations and work to do. I get it. Feel free to reach out to me if you need a friend, or crave a bad joke, or for any reason at all."

She hasn't said goodbye, or that its the end forever. I know I shouldn't hold onto hope, and that statistically its unlikely to work out. But I DO hope in time we can come back together because I truly think there's something incredibly special between us.

1 hour ago, Boho-Soul said:

I didn't realize she said she couldn’t be your girlfriend right now and ended things. Must have missed that in previous posts. Her decision needs to be honored, as hard as it is for you. I really can't see a way you can be a part of her life without her feeling stress or pressure. 

So sorry you have to go through this. Please continue to post here as you experience and process your own grief around this.  

She had said she can't show up as a girlfriend to me right now and needs time to work through her grieving. I guess I hoped I could remain in her life in some way...as a friend who's there for her without any expectations or pressure. Perhaps that's naive of me, since I've already stressed her out with my expectations and pressure. But I love her, and care deeply about her, and don't want to be closed off from her. I will do whatever she needs of me, but I hope we're able to talk at some point about a way for me to remain in her life that doesn't infringe on her needs.

Just now, Boho-Soul said:

 

I hope that for you too.

Right now I suggest you focus on your own self-care. If you believe this feels like or is a break up, then direct your energy towards your needs and healing. 

She said she can’t be my girlfriend right now. And a couple of nights earlier she ended things and said she didn’t want to hear from me for a while. She then walked that back, saying we’d talk about it the following day. But now she’s made it so there’s been no contact between us since her email that said she needed time to work through what she’s going through. I just wish I could remain in her life in a way that didn’t make her feel pressure or stress. 

1 minute ago, Boho-Soul said:

Thanks for your kind comments. It's part of my nature to help/support others, I have a heart for those who are struggling. I sometimes think that helping others on this forum may help me process my loss, although my scenario is rather complicated in it's own way.

The gift card is a nice thought, but it's not the right time. I really sense you want to help her, and that shows your caring heart, but I'd hold off on that nice gesture. In the early stages of my loss I had friends who thought of nice things they could do to help me. All came from best intentions, but the timing was off. One friend wanted to pay for a home cleaning service, lovely idea, but I didn't want strangers in my home before I had even had a chance to sort through belongings etc. I know a spa gift card is not the same thing, but she needs to sort out what she needs at this time. Even though a spa day is a fabulous idea, it's still you determining what she may need at this time. Sorry to crush your idea, but I just put myself in her shoes (best I can) and respond from their.

Sending you a virtual hug friend 🤗

I think at the end of the day, she broke up with me, stopped contacting me, didn't respond to my last email from a week ago, didn't respond to the book/note she received on Monday, has muted my IG stories, and hiding her's from me. She is detoxing from me.

I think my presence in her life because to create stress and pressure on her, because I had needs of connecting with her that were adding to her general feelings of being over-whelmed. That's why she was leaning towards not wanting me at the funeral. And that's why my being hurt by that and expressing that to her was the final straw and made her realize that it was all too much for her to handle, and put an end to our relationship so she could go through this process without that added pressure and stress. It makes sense, and I wish I could have been stronger. But the truth is, it was all really hard feeling such a disconnect from someone I'd developed really strong feelings for. She needed me to be strong and not have any needs from her. I wish I'd been able to do that. I really hope it's not the end of our story and that there's a happy ending.

Thanks so much. You're very kind and generous with your time. I'm so sorry you went through / are going through such a tragic loss of your own. So lovely of you to help others find peace and comfort through their difficult times.

I had the thought of sending her a gift card to a Korean Spa for when she gets back in town. I think she would really enjoy it and might make this difficult time a little easier. Would something like that be okay?

5 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

Hard questions, and hard to answer. Death really does mess with ones mental processing, so it's really an unknown if she just doesn't want any contact with you at all, or if it's due to the delicate situation of her recent loss. Grief is so incredibly unpredictable, and as you probably have read, everyone responds differently. Not sure how long ago her loss happened, so perhaps if it's only been a few weeks then wait before sending a brief email, as those early weeks of loss and grief are messy. Wish I had solid answers for you, but life doesn't come with a play book.

My heart goes out to you ♥️ 

The loss happened 2 weeks ago. The breakup was 10 days ago. Her last email was 7 days ago. In her last email she said she needed time to deal with what she’s going through. And that I have needs she can’t meet right now and she can’t show up to be my girlfriend right now. She said I haven’t done anything wrong, just the contrary, and she thanked me for everything these past few months of us dating. 
She didn’t ask me to not contact her. And she said she needed time, but didn’t say “space”. But then she hasn’t contacted me again since which is telling…

Is it not appropriate for me to send that to her, when she hasn't responded to my email from a week ago, or the book she received on Monday? Should I take that as a clear indication that she doesn't want to hear from me? Or do you think she would appreciate the thoughts and attention of a gentle outreach?

What do you think about me sending this? It’s been a week since my last email to her:

“I’ve been reading a ton about grief and I know I was far from perfect at being there for you and understanding just how hard this all is. I’m still here for you if you need anything, and I’m here without pressure or expectafiin. If space is all you need from me, I’ll give it to you. I’m so sorry how cruel the world can be sometimes. Keeping you in my thoughts. 

Charles”

I think my last email didn’t express the correct sentiments of understanding what she’s going through and that there’s no pressure, and that it’s all about her and what she’s going through. I want her to know that I’m there for her during the week of her father’s funeral. I know how incredibly hard it is, and I used to be someone that offered comfort, support, and was a sounding board for her to vent. I want her to know I can still be that for her. 

31 minutes ago, kayc said:

Believe me when I say that may not have been an option, people either close someone off or don't, she does.

But she WASN'T closing me off until I made my problem hers. We were talking every day, and she was keeping me in the loop of everything that was going on, and getting my opinion on things. Ultimately she did close me off from coming to the funeral, but I understand why. I know you have a lot of experience with this sort of thing, and talking to people going through things like this, so I don't want to short-change your wisdom here. But I also think people contain multitudes and nuance. I think her default is to roll up her sleeves and power through tough situations like this. And our relationship was so new that I wasn't established as that pillar of support that she could trust implicitly yet.

Regardless, I just got out of a therapy session, and I think there's no question I need to now focus on my own healing and personal growth, and work on the past trauma that resulted in my wounded responses to things like this. It's time to kintsugi the shattered plate I neglected to keep spinning on my own.

29 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

Not now, if you do anything it would just overwhelm her. It comes back to her capacity, she's not in a mental or emotional space to process anything other than her loss. Death can hit you like a freight train and it affects all areas of ones life. If her mom is alive then she's also reeling in grief of the death of her husband, which then sends a ripple effect through the family. Hard as it is, it's best to create that distance. Perhaps sending a sympathy card to her and her family would be an appropriate gesture, simply writing, "Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time." Nothing more, keep it short and simply as to not overwhelm. Sending it by mail also allows that distance.

I sent her that book with a simple note like that. And I sent flowers to the funeral with a note. I hope those gestures aren't too much. And I'm going to try really hard to resist the urge every day to contact her.

She told me how much it meant to her that I was there for her every day. And then after one self-centered day where I let my disappointed feelings get the better of me, there's no place for me in her life at all anymore.

I know she's going through the hardest thing she's ever had to do right now, and that there's no place for me in that process anymore. I just wish I could undo the damage I did and be able to be a part of her life again and support her again.