Butters Mom

Thank you both @MartyT and @kayc for your kind words. It really does help tremendously. Kayc, I am so sorry to hear about Arlie's experience. It can be so hard, but your words are right, "at least it's over now". I say the same thing to myself. These babies leave a permanent imprint on our hearts.

@ellenmarieI know it has been 3 months since this post but your story and feelings are almost identical to mine; even similar names. I lost my 17 year old cat, Butters, just four days ago and have been toggling between feelings of guilt and grief. I had been treating him for 3 years for chronic kidney disease. Twice daily meds, fluids daily, then twice a day near the end. In his last few months he had been a battling a bad case of pancreatitis. He had an ultrasound to ensure there was nothing else going on (no cancer but his heart lining was thickened). He was on tons of medication including strong pain killers and strong doses of steroids. His dehydration was at an all-time high. It got to the point that I was syringe feeding him. Then finally the steroids kicked in and he was eating more and on his own. Steroids, however, can cause other issues and he developed a respiratory infection, and he couldn't sniff his food so he stopped eating. My vet gave him Azithromycin. He just got worse after that. He was so weak, and his back legs were getting weaker. He would stumble. I had stupidly assumed it was his lack of food. The night before his death I syringe fed him quite a bit. He seemed very out of it all night and the next morning did not look well. He was hovering over the water bowl. I gave him fluids to relieve his thirst and within 5 minutes he started to die, right in front of my eyes. He collapsed and convulsed. It was the most painful thing to watch and we rushed him to the vet ER for euthanasia. They told me he was almost gone when I brought him in. I too, was absolutely riddled with guilt. I killed my Butters! Was it too much food all at once to digest? Did he feel sick from it? He never threw up. Was the final fluid administration enough to cause cardiac arrest? Why did I give him so much food all at once??? I googled Azithromycin and it was recommended to NOT give to cats with kidney disease. Why did my vet prescribe this??? My vet is wonderful but said that he didn't think it was the Azithromycin. I still struggle with that decision. I ALWAYS google first but didn't this time. Was he in pain during the dying process before we got him to the vet? Was he conscious? So many unanswered questions. After lots of research and talking to others I am still trying to come to terms with things. Today I believe that the weak legs, not eating, and lethargy that started a few days prior were not because he was nutrient-deficient but because his body had started shutting down a few days prior. All of it was just too much on his system and especially his heart. Did the Azithro throw him over the edge (like your flea meds)? Maybe, but I am trying to tell myself that he was such a sick boy that he probably wouldn't have been able to overcome this without it anyway. Please know that you did NOT make a hasty decision to euthanize. I wish I could have gotten my baby to the ER before he started to die because that is a sight I can never remove from my brain. You did the absolute right thing because the way you described Buttercup, death was near and I do not think she would have pulled through. Reading your story has helped me realize that I am not alone. Thank you so much for posting this. I would love to know how you're doing and would appreciate any words of advice you have since it's been 3 months since you lost Buttercup.