MaryMae

I have watched many videos on YouTube about grief provoking breakups and I have looked at many threads on this forum when Damian broke up with me. I was convinced the death of his father and our breakup were related at first, like they often are in many cases. However, in hindsight, I don't believe that's the case for my situation anymore. I believe he broke up with me because I confronted him about the unhealthy behavior of his mother. They were very much enmeshed and he was always going to choose her. She was his primary narcissistic supply and he was going to use her to pay for his mortgage since he didn't have a job. It doesn't matter anymore, though. The breakup doesn't bother me anymore; the residual trauma I got from this relationship does. Oh, she can have him. I know who he is. I'm not jealous of her because she's with him. It's him that I envy, actually. I envy his ability to not get hurt and to move on quickly. I know it's the narcissism that made him this way, but still. It seems nice. Better than dealing with rumination and trust issues 😅 I'm also a little envious of the fact that he's the one who found a new relationship and I'm struggling to find a real connection. I mean... Would I want to be with someone whose main motivation for marrying me is probably to get a green card? Of course not. What they have is probably not what I would call a real connection, but it still feels unfair. I don't want what he has, but I want what he thinks he has 😂 I don't know if I'm making any sense 😅

Wow, by Fed Ex! I knew your story, but I didn't know you were broken up with at work via Fed Ex. That's brutal. That's what I initially thought about Damian, but it turns out he could. In the last year and a half, he had a minimum of 4 different relationships, with 4 different women. It's not that he can't do relationships, it's that he's a narcissist who needs constant validation. I wanted an equal partner, not someone to worship, so that wasn't enough for him. He would have broken up with me even if his father hadn't passed. 😂 Yes. Well said. I'm looking for something more meaningful than that, too. I guess that's why I keep falling for narcissists. They're incredible at love-bombing. However, Damian cannot stop posting on social media about his new wife and how he can't wait to adopt her daughters and raise them as his own. I find intense public display of "love" (that's not love) on social media very disturbing. I've never been a fan. I find them disingenuous and manipulative. I remember after our second date, Damian wanted to send me flowers to my workplace. I begged him not to. Some women like that, but I don't. I feel like real love doesn't need to be advertised like that.

Oh! Don't worry, I'm not in a hurry. I do crave companionship, but I'm not willing to go too fast or to get involved with just anybody. Just like you, I've been burnt before and that's what I'm currently struggling with. I'm angry that I have trust issues. However, I'm feeling a little bit more at peace today. Some people called out Damian about dating here in the country, while he was with this other woman from Madagascar. As weird as it sounds, it makes me feel validated. I'm not the only one who sees it, who has experiences his betrayal. I'm not the crazy one. Yes, I have told this person I'm seeing that I have anxiety and I told him my previous relationship wasn't a good one. Honestly, he was very understanding and he handled it very well. He tried his best to reassure me. I know I'll be just fine if things don't work with the new guy. It's just scary putting myself out there again after everything. That's what makes me so mad at Damian.

Thank you kayc for your kind words. It makes me feel less crazy. It's really hard to put into words how I'm feeling. It's really not about me wanting him back. Like you said, I feel so lucky and thankful that this relationship didn't last longer. He is a textbook grandiose narcissist. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if she married for a green card. There's no jealousy there. However, it does feel a little unfair. He's doing just fine, living his live, hurting people... And here I am, almost a year after the relationship ended, still trying to heal from it. Even though I've been talking to a therapist and focusing on myself, I'm still struggling. I went on a date with someone new a few weeks ago. It went well and we arranged for a second date. I had an anxiety attack the day before. I don't even know what triggered it. I crave a relationship, I want to meet by best friend, but dating makes me really anxious now after what happened with Damian. I don't trust men anymore. I know they're not all the same, but I'm so scared of getting hurt again. I've been Googling this new guy like a maniac, in case I would find something suspicious. I haven't, but still. I know this is unhealthy.

Just a little update... So as everyone would expect, Damian and I didn't get back together lol I'm friends with his ex-girlfriend's cousin, the one from October, and I've been told that she caught him cheating with 2 different women. That's why it ended up abruptly, apparently. A month later he was in a new relationship with a woman from Madagascar. They're getting married tomorrow, and he's adopting her 2 teenage daughters. Damian lives in North America. They've "known" each other for less than 6 months. I'll admit, I'm a little bitter and frustrated. I'm still single, and I have trust issues after dating Damian. I'm still healing, whereas he's getting married.

Today's been hard. Damian's deleted all of his social media accounts yesterday, including his Instagram account that he uses to promote his company. I feel kinda bad for him. He must be in a very bad place right now. Not only did his new relationship just failed and all of his Facebook friends witnessed it, but he simultaneously failed at taking on a new job, which was also very public on social media, on top of grieving his father's death. I'm quite amazed that I'm feeling worried for him after everything that happened. I almost wrote him to offer him my friendship today. Instead, I was able to focus on myself and complete a few therapeutic activities in my workbook. It helped, but I'm still feeling overwhelmed.

Damian's new relationship is already over. They both uploaded a new profile picture and deleted all of their couple photos... they were not even up for a week. She really dodged a bullet there. I'm relieved for her. I'm also very thankful that this whole situation happened, as weird as it sounds. I was able to see his true colors, and now he won't be able to breadcrumb me by sending random songs and random pictures to keep me hooked in case he wants to come back. I thought he was confused and still loved me, now I know he was manipulative and selfish. It hurts, I'm not going to lie. I feel used and humiliated, but at least I don't feel crazy anymore. I used to think it didn't make sense he broke up with me if he loved me as much as he said he did. Now I know he didn't, only I did. I know it's going to hurt a little longer, but it's okay. At least I can move forward now instead of being stuck in confusion.

I keep telling myself "What he did to you isn't the reflection of your worth, it's the reflection of who he truly is." Hopefully, I'll start to believe it soon enough. I know I was a kind, selfless and loving girlfriend to him. It sucks to be taken advantage of like that.

I'd love that. I feel like I made no progress and I'm back in 2019 when I got discarded by my first narcissistic boyfriend. It's an awful feeling. I had healed from that and now I have to start all over again. I'm sorry. It's really the worst type of abuse. They make you feel mentally insane. I definitely suspected Damian's mother to be narcissistic, as she treated him as his golden child and she was very grandiose and entitled, but now I can see that he inherited many traits from her. I feel dumb for getting caught up in a narcissistic relationship again...

Thanks Marty! Knowing my worth and setting healthy boundaries is really something I struggle with. My father has narcissistic tendencies and I was devalued my whole life. I was in an abusive relationship from 2015 to 2019 with a man who was identical to my father. When it ended, I was left with no self-esteem and I had completely lost myself and my dignity. It took me 2 years to heal myself and to get back to a good place. When I met Damian, I was feeling great about myself. Now, not so much. Of course, I can't say that Damian is a full blown grandiose narcissist for I was with him only 5 months, but reflecting on our relationship, I can see that he definitely has some personality traits. He's self-centered; he would make life-changing decisions without even talking about it with me, and he expected me to adapt to his lifestyle and go with his decisions. He's very arrogant and lacks empathy; I once explained him that I felt unimportant when he canceled plans with me last minute without any real explanation. He ridiculed me and said "Wow, your life must be very easy if this is such a big issue for you." Moreover, when I told him I was anxious about his mother moving in, he belittled me and said he had more life experience than I did because he had owned 3 houses already and that I was living in my parents' basement, so we were in different places in life. As if we were incompatible because I had never owned a house before, and that made me inferior to him. I once caught him gaslighting me. He had been distant all week and when I asked him if he was doing okay, he played it like everything was normal and tried to blame it on my anxiety and make me feel silly for asking. He later admitted to feeling depressed about his father's health, but didn't want to talk about it. I held him accountable and told him he tried to make me feel like my anxiety was the problem and that I was wrong, when I was actually right. I told him he had gaslighted me and that it was psychological abuse because he made me doubt my own reality. He didn't like it, understandably. When a conversation didn't go his way, he would just stonewall and ignore me. I would lose sleep over it. He needs constant admiration. His mother put him on a pedestal and he thinks he's God's gift. He constantly brags about and embellishes his achievements, while blaming others for his failures. He lied about his career as a flight engineer and about his financial situation. When I addressed those, he simply said he didn't want to talk about it. He only said that he had quit going to work at the military gym because it was a waste of his time. I guess it wasn't glamour enough for him. He wanted to focus on his knife/fur company from which he makes prettly much no money. Apparently, it's his calling because he's so much more talented than everyone else, but he barely makes any sale. Finally, he seeks validation constantly from dating many different girls. I feel like our relationship followed the classic trajectory of a narcissistic relationship. He first love-bombed me to hook me up. He wanted to send flowers to my workplace after 2 dates only. I thought it was a little creepy. Then, he devalued and discarded me when the mask was starting to slip. I thought he was messaging me songs we liked and pictures of his dog because he still loved me, but now I think he was just keeping me on the back burner in case he changed his mind and wanted to come back. He was talking to multiple girls at the same time, just like my other ex did. Those men want to be admired constantly and jump from a relationship to the next. I guess that's why this relationship was so confusing and triggering to me. It reminded me so much of my previous relationship, it somewhat felt like home. I have done a lot of work on myself, but I'm staring to consider therapy. I definitely have a pattern of dating men who don't consider my needs and to whom I'm trying to prove my worth. Just like my dad.

Thank you so much kayc for sharing that. I'm so sorry it happened to you. No one deserves to be used like that. I'm also angry at myself for overlooking the early red flags. We first met on Valentine's Day. When he asked me out at first, I said no because I had just seen the posts from the girl he just had stopped seeing, but that he had never mentioned. The pattern was right there and I saw it. He had seen her right after his long-term girlfriend cheated on him, and he was trying to date me right after he ended things with her. I didn't follow my intuition because talking to him felt really good and the chemistry was insane. The writing was on the wall, I saw it and I chose to ignore it. I trusted a man's words more than my own judgement and I'm disappointed in myself. That's awesome that you're doing that, thank you. You've just made me realize that in a sense, Damian is also a con artist. He's not doing it to get money, but he created this very charismatic and attractive version of himself to get love, validation and sex. He moves really fast, so you're completely hooked before you truly get to know him. And when you do and you start to see the cracks in his personality, he disposes of you and moves on to the next person he can fool. I was the one who wanted to take things slowly in our relationship, he would try to pressure me and rush me into the next stage. He would say things like "Am I the only one who feels it?" and that he never felt this way for anyone before. We were intimate on the 4th date, 2 weeks after our first date and he acted like I made him wait for a very long time... He asked me to be his girlfriend 3 weeks after we first met. I remember feeling it was too fast, but I went with it because he seemed so sure we were right for each other. I definitely let myself get rushed into a relationship. He always wanted to picture himself as this grandiose and talented person, and when I started seeing the imperfections and asking him about them, he didn't want to talk about it. I guess that's why I'm left feeling so confused, I think I fell in love with a con artist and I was gaslighted big time.

I feel stupid for falling in love with his fake persona and for getting this invested, whereas he was using me as a distraction. I feel used and humiliated.

Probably not that long. She usually likes and comments every one of his posts and pictures on Facebook. She surely didn't like that one! I know I'm better without him, but for some reasons, it still hurts. I was completely blindsided. I was really convinced that the relationship was going great because that's the picture he was painting until the day he broke up with me. I'm starting to realize how unhealthy he is emotionally. His long-term girlfriend, who's also the mother of his daughter cheated on him a year ago. She hadn't even moved out of the house when he started seeing someone else. When I met him in February of this year, he told me he had been single for 4 months and never mentioned the girl he dated right after his ex. I found out when I saw Facebook posts of hers. When I confronted him about it, he said it wasn't serious and that's why he hadn't mentioned her. They had spent Christmas with his family at his family cottage! He was with her until late January. He had just broken things off with her when he matched with me on Tinder. And now he's dating someone new already, and putting her as his Facebook profile picture. I don't think it's very healthy to rush into a relationship and post them on social media only one month in. They don't even know each other, really. I didn't even know who he truly was after 5 months. So yeah, she's his 4th girlfriend in a year. I think he uses women as a distraction and rushes into relationships in an unhealthy way to tolerate the feelings he can't process. The new girlfriend also put a picture of them as her profile picture and I don't mean to be petty, but she looks way more into it than he does. He's stiff and has an awkward body language in both photos. He has a fake smile on that doesn't reach his eyes. He looks like he's putting on a show, and he probably is. He probably was in our relationship, too. I'm not sure he's capable of real love at this point. I feel foolish for thinking it was the real deal. I understand, but it still hurts. He still hid things from me, and I don't know if I had been willing to date him had he been honest from the start. I feel violated and betrayed in a sense. I thought I was falling in love with someone, but I was actually in a relationship with someone totally different. He presented himself as this mature and well established man who was emotionally available, but I was actually dating a man on the verge of losing his house who just multiplies relationships. His Tinder profile stated he was a flight engineer, but he was actually distributing workout equipment at the gym on the military base when I met him. Not exactly the same. He hadn't been working as a flight engineer for over a year because of an injury. I don't care about money, I make my own, but I felt deceived because he hadn't been truly honest about his career. He left his gym job when we were together and never mentioned it, I figured it out and asked him. He had no job. This wasn't what I had signed up for, as I'm sure it wasn't what you had signed up with Jim either. I think my issue is I struggle separating the fake person I fell in love with from the real person that he is. I still love and miss the version of him he created. I feel crazy.

I just learned today that Damian has a new girlfriend. I wasn't looking at his social media or anything, but he appeared online on Messenger and I noticed he had uploaded a new profile picture. Of course I looked it up... Apparently, they've been seeing each other for a month, which means that he was talking to her when he sent me a picture of his dog late at night in bed in early September. I feel so stupid for feeling so devastated while he's over there, in a new relationship already. I feel dumb for believing him when he'd say he never loved someone so deeply, kissed someone this much and been so physically affectionate before. Only 2 months after breaking up with me, he's starting over with someone else. I feel so foolish for feeling heartbroken over him still. When we talked about why I unfriended him, I revealed I had done it for myself because I still had feelings for him. He could've told me then that he was seeing someone. Instead, he chose to ignore me and leave me on read. This is so inconsiderate and disrespectful.

Easier said than done 😅 I'm doing better since I got back to work. I'm a teacher, so I had a lot of free time this summer to obsess over the breakup... I'm busy, but I still miss him when I go to bed at night and when I wake up in the morning. Oh, I know! 😅 He recently started a new job and created a professional Facebook page... his mother is the only person who liked his profile picture 😂 Mommy's his #1 fan

Overthinking everything is so exhausting 😅

I can't speak for every situation, but in my case it's really something I wonder about. I'm sure my ex was all-in, but I also believe he's immature and has poor boundaries. I don't think he ever doubted our relationship before his mother expressed her doubts about me. He relies on his mother's opinion too much in general, not only for his romantic relationship. He has to find his own sense of identity before he can stand for himself and make his own decision.

I'm not sure I understand. Do you mean those who would break up after experiencing loss would kind of use it as a way out because the relationship that had other issues they hadn't expressed? It may be possible, but I really don't think that's what happened in my situation. My ex was expressing how happy he was with the direction our relationship was taking and how much he loved me all the time. He looked deeply into my eyes and told me he was in love with me 48 hours before breaking up with me. He even said he was going to marry me that same day. The fact that the only reasons he could find to pretend our relationship wasn't working were that I'm too introverted around his family and that I didn't push him enough to be active shows me that our relationship had very few "real" issues. It is true however that my ex was terrible at having hard conversations. Communicating wasn't his strong suit at all. He would just shut down. Like I said, I'm not sure anymore his grief was the main reason why he ended our relationship. I think he's somewhat immature, and he chose to push me away instead of confronting his toxic mother. Had his mother not moved in with him, I don't think he would have broken up with me.

I understand, the thing is, I'm not even sure grief is the real reason he broke up with me. I believe the unhealthy relationship he has with his mother is. She's his top priority, even before his daughter it seems. Before I unfriended him, I saw he was selling his daughter's furniture and toys from her play room in the basement, where his mother now lives. In the ad description he wrote "I need room". They were things she still played with. It felt like he's putting his mother's needs before his own daughter's. Also, I wouldn't be surprised if he was struggling with the breakup, too. Sending me meaningful songs and intimate pictures late at night indicates that he's still thinking about me. I never thought he really wanted to break up. I'm sure like he felt he had no other option because he felt like he had to take care of his mother and he knew we wouldn't get along. She's crazy and he doesn't see it. I know for a fact that he felt responsible for her. Of course, I'm just assuming everything else, but this is what I believe happened. Grief may be a part of it, but I think his never-ending devotion to his mother and to her needs is the real problem.

Don't worry about it! I'm just very thankful I can vent over here. Not many people can understand what I'm going through; breakups usually don't happen the way they happen on here. I'm still trying to make sense of it, even after 2 months. I think about it a lot.. I've tried to identify what I said or did that caused this... but I can't think of anything. Unless I'm completely delusional, I feel like I was a really good girlfriend to him. I treated him with love and respect, I took care of his daughter and she loved me, I was good to his dog and got her treats all the time, I didn't any create drama with the mother of his child, I was nice and respectful to his family... The relationship was doing well, my ex and I were really happy, and then it just stopped. Out of nowhere. It's very upsetting. Since then his behavior has been so erratic. I'm glad I unfriended him, but I still miss him so much. I wish I could just be mad at him and that my feelings for him would go away.

Little update, I asked him if there was something he wanted to tell me, because one might argue that when your ex sends you a picture of their dog in bed at 11 pm after you've unfriended them, it might means something else (I don't know, it felt a little too intimate. He wasn't in the picture, only his bare shoulder, but still. Maybe I'm a prude, but it feels inappropriate to me to send pictures of your naked shoulder and your dog in bed at night to your ex). He hadn't realized I had unfriended him 🤦‍♀️ It seems like he's from a different planet. He said he just wanted to send me a picture from his dog from time to time, and he acted surprised that I had unfriended him. I said I had done it for myself because I still had feelings for him and being friends on Facebook wasn't helping. He left me on read. I thought he would show a little decency and would say something empathic like "I understand." You know, the bare minimum. Nope. Nothing at all. I guess I have closure now.

I'm so angry. I just woke up and realized he had sent me a picture on Messenger at 11 pm yesterday. A picture of his dog (that I miss so much) in bed. This is just cruel. I don't know why he's doing this. I guess unfriending him wasn't enough. I'll have to block him. What the hell? Who does something like this?

Thank you Marty and Kayc. I finally unfriended him on Facebook yesterday. He's had his account for several years and he's never posted anything on it, like ever. Yesterday, he wrote his first post, about the new car his mother bought. It had to be about her. It made me angry and disgusted. It reminded me of how he chose her over me, because she supposedly had financial problems and he had to help her out. It also reminded me of what he said, that he couldn't be with me because I was too introverted around other people (his mother). I cried for a while in the shower, then decided I had to do something different to feel better, so I unfriended him. I hadn't before because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I decided it was time to stop putting his feelings before my own. He didn't choose me, so it was time to choose myself. And I did. And it was so hard, I cried for a long time afterwards. I just hope it'll help me feel better soon.

I'm sure he was! That's the same for Damian... I think he has poor boundaries because he's trying to be nice to everybody. So... a little update. Yesterday evening, Damian texted me out of the blue. We hadn't been talking for almost a month. He randomly sent me a video of a YouTube video we used to watch together and make fun of when we were a couple, and nothing else. He basically filmed his TV and sent me the video. Then, we had a very short conversation, mostly about his dad and his grief, nothing about us. He asked how's my dog and sent me a picture of his. He seemed pretty emotional. I don't really know what to do. Damian doesn't have many friends he can reach out to, and his whole family is also grieving. Moreover, his mother and his sister don't have the emotional maturity to support him. Damian's their support. I feel sad that he doesn't have a great support system around him, and it might sound selfish of me, but I don't want to become his emotional crutch right now. If we were together, I'd offer him all of my support, but I'm still hurting from the breakup and I feel like maybe I should prioritize myself. It just makes me feel so selfish... I don't know what to do if he reaches out again.

Wow kayc! I don't mean to judge, but what a bizarre situation! Would you say that Jim had poor boundaries in general? It seems like he could. Damian definitely has boundaries issues. His mother, his daughter and his ex-girlfriend can demand anything from him and he'll always bend backwards to please them. He also crosses other people's boundaries easily, mine as a matter of fact. He broke up with me and contacted me 2 days after, even though I had clearly asked him not to. I may be wrong, but I feel like people who have poor boundaries tend to get themselves involved into bizarre situations, like Jim and Damian. His daughter's mother was initially dating Damian's high school best friend, Mark. She would tell Damian that Mark was abusive and violent towards her. Then, she got with Damian. Their relationship lasted around 8 years and ended when Damian caught her cheating with their neighbor. Apparently, she was telling the whole neighborhood that Damian was abusive and violent... She moved out and she's now dating Mark again! The whole thing is just insane, but in my opinion, Damian really crossed a boundary when he started dating his best friend's girlfriend. The funny part is he still believes Mark was abusive, even after she spread the same rumors about him! He's so gullible, no wonder why he doesn't see how manipulative his mother is.