So I think this will be therapy for me, even though I've been talking to a therapist for months, but to get it out there can't hurt and I think can only help, I think based on reading other peoples' stories. I've gone through a lot this year, and to read all of these stories, and KayCs help, is an amazing testament to her and her willingness to help those who have gone through something so painful as similar to herself. It makes me want to help others too, and while I'm probably a little later in the game than most of these posters, I am still going through so much of the same where you want it back, you have hope, you want nothing more than to look at the past and say you did all of these things wrong and that it's your fault.
I'm coming to realize that it isn't my fault. I still believe that I did things wrong, even though I know I'm a good guy and did so much right. The truth is that no one is perfect, and in the event of grieving and dealing with someone's loss when you have zero experience in grief is extremely hard. I was in a situation where family members all dealt with it differently, that being the loss of their father, suddenly, who was so important in all of their lives. I still do not know if that was "the reason" or whether this relationship was doomed from the start, but it certainly did not feel that way, and up until the death everything was 95% perfect, save for a few things that were way exacerbated after the death.
At the end of the day I'm learning more and more that you cannot control other people or get inside of their heads. I have no idea what she thought, what she is thinking or where she is right now. But that's not what matters because if she wanted to be there with me right now, she would be. So I have no choice but to move forward and move on. I still carry some hope, because that's what we all do, but I also know that the odds are truly terrible, especially through reading this forum. I'm not sure if blaming grief is right, and I'm not sure if blaming my own actions is right either. But at the end of the day, everyone who has to move on has to move on, and whatever the reasons are do not matter when it's that time.
The past may have been beautiful, special, amazingly perfect and all of the like. But that's the past. The future can be bright too. And 8 months in I'm starting to finally realize that even after reconnecting with hope.
Not sure if this is helpful to anyone but myself, but I hope that it is, because the more time we all put to hope, the more that we waste when time is so precious.
I appreciate everyone's posts in this forum, and KayC for all of your efforts over many years to help people.
Take care, all.