Kayana

@MartyT hi miss, i remember that you replied to my previous post, i think i really need your opinion on this one since the last one was really comforting and assuring, thank you so much!!

Hi, I’m back I wanna give a quick update on how things are right now and how i’m dealing with my father’s death. I had my birthday a little over a month ago now, and things are really going wild. Anxiety is really spiking and I’ve been having frequent panic attacks, I never had one before I started dealing with grief. After my father died, I am genuinely petrified with the idea of death and the idea that I can’t escape death, even more when I realize that I am very much vulnerable and can die anytime. Maybe it’s the fact that not even my father could escaped death, it hits me really hard because he’s my hero, my protector, and someone who leads and teaches me. Being the complete opposite of my father, i feel really vulnerable and it messes up my mind. Ever since the 2nd month after his death, I haven’t skipped a day without thinking that I will die tomorrow, even when there’s really nothing to worry about. I’m physically healthy, and I’m only 20 years old. I can’t disassociate the things that my dad experienced before he died (like attending concert, eating the same food as his last meal, or singing) as a sign that I’m going to die as well. It’s tiring, and I want this to end. Is this really the sign that I’m dying? or is it just a normal reaction to the realization of my mortality? every little things make me overthink about my death. Even though I’m really terrified right now, i believe that it really has something to do about my grief towards my father’s death bcuz I didn’t experience any of this prior to his death. Any advice will be very helpful, thank you!

@happytreesloth I’m so sorry to hear what you went through, I relate to your experience so much. About two hours before my father died, we were texting about new pair of shoes that I’ve been wanting for a while, not long after that he’s gone forever. I probably would never understand the suddenness, and it will be hard for me to get over the regret and unsaid words, but i hope I’ll get over it in the future. I also had a very hard time on the second month after his passing, I stopped having afternoon walk, I stopped listening to music, and i got prescribed with sleeping pills because my body reacted badly with antidepressant (fluoxetine). Having better sleeping schedule really helped me minimize the anxiety and the messy thoughts. I also felt a lot better after i started taking care of myself again, showering before sleep really helped me a lot as well. I’m definitely still not over what happened, I still miss my father at the most random times, and I still cry because of the overwhelming feeling sometimes, but I’m working on it and I just started a new therapy session with a new psychologist that understands me really well, I hope things work out. Hoping all the best for you too btw! It’s not easy, but I hope we’ll find our own ways to deal with our early stage of grief through this forum. Lots of love!

@MartyT thank you so much for the reply, it helps me a lot to understand my reaction a bit better. I have a question, is it a normal reaction to always unconsciously associate myself with my father’s death? for example : My father experienced many new things on his last year of living. He attended a concert for the first time few months before he died, and in the near future I will be attending a concert too. I can’t help myself but to think that I am going to experience what my father experienced after the concert, even though I have no reasons and I’m in a perfectly healthy condition right now. is that normal? is there anything i can do to stop thinking that way? thank you so much!

Hi, about three months ago i lost my father through heart attack. It was a very sudden death because he has always been very healthy and up until the moment he died he didn’t show any signs of physical pain other than the few complaints he had about his chest feeling pain. I didn’t react to the whole ordeal really well, it changed my life completely. His death made me feel awfully conscious about death and full of “who’s gonna be next” thoughts, and i feel physically tired of it. I think it’s the fact that i now realize that death is real and it’s a universal experience that makes it really unsettling for me, i can’t help myself but to fear night time because of it, i just don’t feel safe. It is worth mentioning that a day before my father passed, we were celebrating a family function. This past few days it has dawned on me that you really don’t know what’s coming towards you. He was laughing and smiling yesterday while enjoying home made meals, yet he’s no longer with us the next day. Part of me is also very uncomfortable with the thought of what my father had to experience in the last 24 hours of his life. On the morning of the day he died, he was visibly very concerned of something, he followed everyone everywhere, he even called for a day off from his office because he felt like something is off. Apparently something really is going on, and he died suddenly, with no warnings, nothing. Now, whenever i feel worry building up inside of me, it reminds me of death, of what happened to my father, i’m scared it might happen to me too, i am now 19 years old. Has anyone ever experienced something similar? please share your experience because i feel like i’m going insane, thank you so much!