Lawrence

Thank you, MartyT, for your insights and I will try to talk to my therapist about these feelings. A huge part of this is tied to the loss of my partner for if he were still alive, I think (given that it has been two years) that we would have obtained a new puppy. But as both went so close together, it was like losing my family (little though we were). And I concur with you - this is not about "Replacing" my little dog, but about opening my heart to another little dog.

Thanks Kayc, I took a peek at the document and have found it most helpful. The journey is a long one but I hope to get to a better destination eventually.

My partner and I unfortunately and sadly had to make the decision to euthanize our little dog as she had an ongoing problem that was no longer able to be managed, Just 6 weeks later I lost my partner who I found one early morning, dead to suicide after a life together of 30 years. There were two other deaths around the same time but I know losing our dog was a a huge contributing factor (the final straw, as it were) for my partner's death as they mentioned this is their final note to me. With a profound sadness now visiting me daily, I moved house (as encouraged by both my doctor and a therapist) and after about 6 months - with everyone's encouragement yet again, I found me a little kitten to ease the intense loneliness that was now my life. However, each time he went to the toilet and meowed, I kept thinking that he was dying and so I had to return him after just 3 weeks. This made me feel like a complete failure and that I will never get it right. The death of both my dog and my partner so close together has made it extremely difficult for me as they were my family and I cannot now separate the two deaths either in my mind or in my heart, even though these events occurred back in late 2021. A part of me would like to obtain a pet but the other half screams a resounding NO. Sometimes I feel like I would like to join them but I appreciate, that given the experience of my own hurt, I would hate for others to experience the same. It is a difficult feeling to have to contend with all these emotions and thoughts. Both deaths have really shattered my life in a lot of ways especially in my confidence and in terms of no longer being able to trust the world as I once knew it. A huge part of this trust relates to obtaining a pet that I can love but yet I feel that I could not go through another death. Deep down I fear that I will never get over losing my desire for another pet (another little dog) but likewise never losing that fear of losing this new pet. Even making friends is fraught with difficulties as I fear losing them. Logically, I know that everything dies and that loss is a natural part of life, but Grief is about one's emotions, not logic. People deliver up their logical platitudes and suggestions, but very few really listen to what I feel and so I more often than not just keep these feelings and thoughts to myself. Sometimes I share them with my therapist, but generally I just write them out, so as to externalize them from myself - they then become "Someone else's problems." Not really healthy, I know, as I recognize that I do need to confront these thoughts and emotions. At this stage, I see my therapist for Complicated Grief and PTSD, but I cannot share any issues surrounding the death of my dog (or maybe I do not even want to). Photos of her and my partner are kept in an album in my bedroom wardrobe - out of sight - for to look upon them just adds to my sadness. As one example, I have a photo from early 2021 of my partner, myself and some friends from a night out together, located on the fridge door and about two weeks back just now gone - as I opened the door (which has been opened 100s of times before), the vision of finding them just came straight into my head and I was a wreck for the rest of that day. Such is the nature of PTSD and those intrusive flashbacks. Thanks for listening and allowing me to share these thoughts with you.