My mum died over a year ago. We had been part of a complicated contentious probate matter for many years before she died and my grandmother's estate is not complete. I never knew my father's family and barely my mother's and because of the court case am now totally estranged. I have no partner, siblings or children. I am living in a new place where I know no one and go nowhere except the supermarket. I have both estates to complete, 45 years of both of their lives to go through and multiple legal problems including the court case which hasn't truly finished. I also keep getting additional challenges like an energy bill that was over £4,000 but I battled the company and I was found to actually be in credit. Now I'm battling them again and another energy company who supplied the house my mother inherited. I make the necessary phone calls to gather the information I need to get Mum's estate settled but it never seems to filter through and I have to keep doing it over and over and over again. I know I've not processed Mum's death because I thought at the time everything else can wait I need to get the estates done. When my grandmother died, it triggered the process for my dad. The court case meant I didn't finish processing either his or my grandmothers death. He died suddenly over 20 years ago and I never grieved. It has taken over 20 years for me to stop being absolutely crippled by guilt and just feel guilty. Dad and I were estranged due to his behaviour caused in part by alcoholism. My life revolved around four people and they are all dead. Each one died and left me in a bigger mess than the last one. I have spent my whole life thinking I need to sort them then I can get on with my own life. Now, the more I do, the more there is to do. Whether it be day to day life or sorting the estates. I know no one and nowhere and my health is not great. I am trying to pick up the broken pieces of my life but I am so tired. All I can be sure of is I am failing and failing miserably. A few months before she died my mother said she had to leave my father when she did as she couldn't allow him to keep destroying me. It suddenly made sense why she was always so irritated with me. He was her soul mate and she couldn't have him because of me. I promised her several things I would do for her if she didn't get time to do them herself. Being me it absolutely all I can do. She has truly had the last laugh. They all have. What a mess.
