I lost my mom, she was 53, February 8th, 2004 two days before my 24th birthday. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer October 8th, 2003 in the emergency room. There was nothing they could do, so hospice came in. She fought it to the very end. She was not going to go without a fight. My mom was so brave and such a caring, wonderful person. She was not only my mom, but my best friend. I could tell her everything and she was always there for me no matter what. Now I am at a complete loss without her. There's no doubt in my mind that she's in heaven. But, it's still hard to believe that she's gone. I feel guilty for not being there for her as much as I was in the begining when we found out about the cancer. I backed off when my brother and sister came into town. I felt like I was no longer needed and if I couldn't be the one taking care of her I stayed away; which now makes me feel guilty and selfish. Because I felt I was the only one out of us kids who truly cared for her. My mother and I were never close when I was little, but for the past 10 years there was no separating us. We became dependent on each other. Always were together doing stuff. I went back to work February 17th and everyone tells me I look more relieved and that I look like I'm doing good. In a way, I feel bad that I'm going back to my old routine right away, but I know my mom would want it that way. However, I don't think that it has really hit me yet. I'm afraid of what will happen when it really does hit me. I feel so alone because I do not have anyone that I can talk to like I could talk to her; its just not the same.
