I am so glad I found this site. I am having the hardest time dealing with the loss of my dog Max. He was eurthanised May 26, 07 and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt. Max was only 8 but after hardly eating for 5 days I took him to the vet. They did blood tests and the white cell count was high but otherwise looked healthy. I did mention his breathing didn't sound right. I took him home. Max always splept under my bed and during the night I could hear him struggling to breath. After x-rays the next day his diagnosis was cancer in his lungs that had spread from a tumor. The vet gave me 2 prescriptions but I could not get him to eat a thing. He felt so bad, he stayed under the bed most of the time. Solid white, my beautiful, sweet sweet boy got much worse the next couple of days. He couldn't breath. The vet had said it was fast moving and he only had a month to live. I couldn't stand to see this formally rambuctious creature look so scared and weak. I found a vet that would come to the house to euthanize. So that is what I did. Although always in tears, I seemed to walk through the experience like a zombie. I have a 14 yr old terrier also and I was trying not to upset her, I know, but I had no idea how deep this would hurt. What I'm having such depresssion about is I feel like I rushed into it. I feel guilty for not fighting harder for him by seeing a specialist, chemo, radiation..something I have no experience with chemo and such but I could only see more suffering in his future. But I cannot shake this guilt. It feels like my mind is playing tricks on me with "What if....." thoughts over and over. I know I have to grieve but the beating myself up is killing me. Today I did have a thought that if I had fought it with chemo, would I have regretted putting him through that just as much as I am regretting not doing it? That gave me a momentary feeling of peace. Max was such a sweet, loving friend and companion. He always looked so worried when I was upset. He would come on the couch and put his head on my chest and look me right in the eyes trying to make it all better...and he usually did. My friend today suggested I write him a letter. I think I will.
