I'd like to start by introducing myself. My name is Angele and I am 26 years old. I am relieved to have found a site such as this one. Please bear with me for this is my first post of this sort. I have been raised by my mother and maternal grandmother. All my life I have been unbelievably close to these women, as to this day. My grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer right before mothers day. This is a woman who never once has been sick and you could never tell that she is 75 years old. She was insanely active and is the only person I can truly be myself with, without feeling any judgment. She understands me as I understand her. We have a weird sort of connection that way. She always said I am like her daughter not her granddaughter. After the diagnosis they ran a bunch of tests to see if she was a candidate for the surgery to remove one thrid of her lung. She was deemed healthy as an ox, (with the exception of the cancer) so the procedure was scheduled for 2 weeks later. For those 2 weeks I went to her house every lunch hour to make her lunch, do her hair, nails, wash the house and whatever else she needed. I felt so happy that I work accross the street from her and I could take advantage of that to see her every lunch hour. So I dont think I need to go into elaborate detail of what this woman means to me. As anyone who is close to a grandparent knows its an amazing sort of love. She was sceduled for surgery on a Tuesday and I was going to go see her Wednesday. The family got a call on Tuesday afternoon telling us that the surgery went very well and she was doing great~ We were thrilled! My strong stubborn "memere" was ok. Thank God.... Tuesday night, we get a phone call form her doctor telling us to come up as soon as possible since she had a heart attack as the medication was wearing off, her kidneys had failed and her lungs had collapsed. Since we were all 1 hr away, we hopped into the car and got there ASAP. The doctors told us to be prepared for the worst and to pray. We were devestated! I cant begin to explain the pain and emptiness I felt at that very moment. She held on for a week like that, still in the ICU, on a ventilator, on heart and bp meds. We continued to pray. 2 weeks pass and she starts wake up when im in her room. She squeezes my hand and I rub her hair. You see her tears stream down her face as she cannot talk. I stayed there for so long until they had to get me to leave. I love her sooo much and I wanted to be there til she sat up and told me she was ready to come home... If youre still with me thank you sooo much! I cant add more stress on my family by expressing all of this. Even if no one is reading, its still helpful. So now she is slowly getting better and doctors are amazed. They tell us how well she is doing, they lower her oxygen, she regulates her own heart and bp and she is less sedated. I had an amzing visit with her. I was in her ICU room and I was kissing her cheek. She woke up and to my surprise grabbed my arm very tightly~ Signaled me to move sides of the bed so that she could see me better. Keep in mind at this time she has a tracheotomy inserted and is unable to talk but is coherant. I begin to smile as she opens her eyes. She smiled so big that i thought her face would crack.. Finally my grandmother had re- emerged. My "memere" was back. I started joking with her as I always do, I told her she is still running the show and making us pay attention. You could hear her laugh through her trach. It was a beautiful sound, as beautiful as the first cries of my babies. She continues to rub my hands as though I was in need of comforting. She motions me for a kiss. With pleasure I get up on my tip-toes; as her bed is so high and I kiss my "memere" one last time while she is awake. I tell her that I am getting married and that I want her to hurry up and get out so she can finally see it happen.. That laugh once again.. I explain to her how badly I feel about going through with my wedding since she wont be there~! I had 7 years prior to do so, but unfortunetly this summer was the time we could do it.. She looks at me with this warm yet pissed off look, she mouths the words, " Finally, go get married and be happy. Have fun "ma fille" (my girl in french) I started to cry and I thanked her.... I hugged her as though I knew that it would be that last time that I would be able to feel her warmth, comfort and spunk. I left the room when she fell asleep and I couldnt get that grin off my face. I had told my grandmother everything I wanted to. Thanked her for raising me a strong woman like her, thanked her for teaching me how to be a mother. Told her how much I loved her. I knew that she had come to peace with her condition and I knew that she did not have much time left here with us.. Today at 5pm, I am waiting by the phone because her 3 oldest childrea are meeting with her various specialists. She has taken a turn for the worse. They must make a decision. She is not responding to dialysis at all as she is producing blood clots. They had to sedate her immensily as everything is shutting down and she is in agony. She is now once again soley dependant on the ventilator. The doctors need to know what we want to do. A new form of dialysis which her body isnt strong enough for or no dialysis at all. Well, we know these both lead to the end. I am devestated to no end. I dont know how to deal with this. I cant imaging my life without my "memere", my saturday spaghetti suppers at her house, my crazy lunch hour talks and the simple knitting lessons I enjoyed so very much! I have 2 daughters, they need me to be strong, attentive and alert. I cant help but feel sad and absolutely heart broken. This is the first time I have gone through this. I know its a natural progression of life, but I cant accept that my "memere" (grandmother in french) will no longer be around.. ITs so long Im sooo sorry! but thank you for letting me express myself... I guess I just need to know that I'm going to be ok, and that she is going to a better place.. With grattitude for your reading, Angele
