chandrasmom

When I Get Where I'm Going, by Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton came out maybe a year before my daughter died and I knew the first time I heard it that I wanted it played at her funeral. She hated country music, but that song's central message was for the rest of us: When I get where I'm going, there'll be only happy tears. When I get where I'm going, don't cry for me down here. On the 5-month anniversary of her death this week I was listening to the radio my husband had playing in the garage (I haven't been able to listen to the radio stations I always listened to since my daughter died), and I was thinking that I would like to hear that song. Only a couple of minutes later it started playing. I had a good cry as I listened. I actually had a gifted pianist compose special music for my daughter. I sent him photos, and he used those to "tune in" to her spirit and create 30 minutes of haunting piano music just for her. I listen to that cd over and over and over. I think the right music can be very healing. There is a beautiful book and cd set called Graceful Passages, A Companion for Living and Dying that mixes spoken word with music. Listening to that is comforting for me.

I found this forum while searching for something, anything, to make the pain stop. My daughter Chandra died Feb. 9 just a couple weeks before her 37th birthday. She had been fighting cancer for 2-1/2 years, so for her I think death was a reprieve from the hell she had been experiencing. Now we must live through the hell of losing her. I've been reading your posts and find comfort in knowing that other parents are going through the same range of emotions. There are times when I feel like I am going crazy. I can't seem to remember things anymore. I have trouble focusing on anything. I can erupt in tears at the slightest provocation. I don't want to see anyone or go anywhere. Though I have been forcing myself to get out of the house more than I did for the first couple of months. I haven't been able to return to work. I just want to hole up in my house with my husband and my dogs. I've been reading a lot about grief, so I know that this is normal. I also know that I can't let it go on forever. My brother suggested recently that I "move on". To me, as to someone else who posted here, that means letting go and forgetting. I believe I will eventually return to a somewhat "normal" life, but I don't think I will ever "get over" what has happened. I keep replaying the last few weeks of her life, wondering if there was something more I should have done or said. I took her to every doctor's appointment and every treatment; I lived with her the last few weeks; and I was there holding her hand when she died. I have nothing to regret. Except for the fact I couldn't save her.