sunstreet

I am so sorry for all the losses you have had to face and endure, especially at your Skipper dog being given away like that. What a beautiful poem you have wrote. I guess that is something to hold onto is knowing all that you have endured. I believe that once a beloved animal graces us with their presence in our lives we become enriched and blessed and sometimes the beloved animals that are with us for the shortest amount of time enrich our lives the most.

Courage to you. Take good care.

Carol

Rachael,

Wanting to acknowledge that pain and the guilt that you are now experinceing. I for one do not think you are a mad woman at all. Just a woman in some pain for sure. It sounds to me that you relinqished Lucy because you felt that someone else may be more prepared to take her on. Sounds like you were trying to put Lucy's needs first and there is nothing wrong with that.

I am sorry for the distress and pain that you are experiencing and I wish you the best of luck as you work it through. Take good care.

Carol

Dear Marty,

Thank you so much for your heartfelt, insightful and useful reply, very much appreciated. Yes, you are right it does feel as if loss is all around and at times it feels as if there is a belt around my heart and it just keeps getting tighter. Yes, I do know that guilt is one of the most common reactions to pet loss. Knowing this though does not lessen my feelings of guilt, or the pain, explains it perhaps and helps me to feel less alone with it. I agree with you that it would be wise to express my unresolved thoughts and feelings to give them the light of day as you say.

I am willing to share with everyone here my thoughts around the "if only's" in hoping that it will help myself and others here. So here it goes....

Regarding my beloved Street, I keep thinking if only I had not been so focused on my Father and rushing up to the facility where he is every day off to make sure his needs were being met and to comfort my Mother that I might have noticed some signs that he was not well. If only I had given it more attention when I heard him be vocal in the litter box one evening. If only I had not assumed the little bits of throw up I kept finding was from Sunshine. Even my Vet focused on Sunshine in that regard. I never saw Street or Sunshine throw up so I just assumed it was Sunshine, she was old, several health issues and fighting cancer. If only I had not taken his young age for granted, and not entertain the idea that he might be sick. One morning Street would not eat, I didn't really think to much of it other than I told myself, well if after work tonight he still does not want to eat I will take him to my Vet. After work came and Street still did not want to eat. Called my Vet, got the after hours paging service. A short while later my Vet called and we decided together I should bring him in and she would meet me at the clinic. Three days passed which involved bloodwork, x-rays, ultra sound, etc. It was determined that Street's liver was twice it's normal size, his liver enzymes were way high, his little body was full of bilirubin. Everyone involved told me his only hope was to have a feeding tube put in place and if we were indeed dealing with hepatic lipidosis the success rate was very high. Of course I agreed, Street was only 5, I had to give him every fighting chance. The morning the feeding tube was going to put into place, I held Street in my arms, told him I loved him, then handed him over to my Vet and I went off to work. My Vet called me at work, said the surgery went well and that they had fed him through the tube and things were looking hopeful. At 6pm that evening my Vet again called me at work to say that Street had thrown up everything they had fed him through the tube and that his blood pressure was dropping and that she was now giving him a 60/40 chance. I hung up the phone and finished my shift at work. In my gut I felt like Street was not going to make it. Why didn't I let myself leave work and go to him? After work I came home and I burst into tears. I phoned my Vet's paging service, she called back right away, she was still at the clinic and it was now 10pm. Together we decided to wait till morning and if no improvement then I would let her euthanize my Street. At 11 pm my Vet phoned and said "Carol, Street just had a heart attack and he died" If only I could have had the courage to go to my Street and be with him as he faced death. I just could not face it, I did not want to believe it, Street was only 5, he can not really be dying. I was such a coward, I let my poor Street die without me there holding him.

In regards to my beloved Sunshine I feel like I broke a promise to her I made when we both left my marriage. I told her no-one would ever hurt her again, hence why I left my marriage! After Street died my Father developed pneumonia and I felt an even stronger pull to go be by his bedside every chance I got. The guilt I felt leaving Sunshine so much right after Street died, she was missing him something terrible too! Yet, I wanted to go be with my Dad too! What if he were to die? I needed to say my goodbye's to him. My Dad and I were so close, it tore me apart that I could not share my grief with him and receive the support and love I so desparately needed right then. My Mother collapsed by my Father's bedside and then I began to think I might loose her too! The woman who was taking care of my Sunshine was no stranger to Sunshine and Sunshine trusted her totally and I knew Sunshine was in the care of the next best person beside myself. Yet, I felt this never ending guilt that she did not have much time left and I should be there with her too! I felt so torn. I could not bring her up to where my Dad was as is a two hour drive away and would have been very traumatic for Sunshine to make the trip. I felt it best she be at home where she felt safe. My Father rallied throught the pneumonia and I returned home. Sunshine had deteriorated quite a bit, the tumor under her tongue had grown a significant amount. I took another week off of work just to be with her. When it did come time for me to make the agonizing decision I did not make it right away, I waited two more days, and on the morning I was able to go ahead with it, my Vet was out of town and would not be returning for 3 days. I was devistated, I knew Sunshine was now sufferig and in considerable pain, I had already held onto her for 2 more days that I should have. If only I had of been able to face that agonizing decision 2 days earlier the Vet that knew Sunshine, the Vet that Sunshine trusted and was able to purr around would have been able to send Sunshine over the bridge. Instead a stranger to me and to Sunshine had to accomodate us and in my Sunshine's last moments of life she felt fear with a stranger sending her over the bridge.

I hope this post has served to shed some light on my feelings of "if only's" and the tears that are now streaming down my face help to lessen my pain and open my heart to my knew "Cat Son" whose name is "Muki" who I adopted on June 28, 2004 Muki is an amber point Himalayan, and he turned 14 on October 28, 2004. His first Mom had to go into a care facility, once I heard about that I felt like Muki needs me and I need Muki. I hope that my beloved Sunshine and Street are alright with the fact of me opening my heart now to Muki.

Carol

In respectful memory of my dear beloved "Sunshine and Street"

When does the pain stop! Why does it seem like I am finding out for the first time that my babies are gone? Why all of a sudden is the easiest of tasks seem to huge to tackle? All my senses seem to be heightened. I am crying at the drop of a pin. Work seems meaningless to me. It seems I just go through the motions of life each day. I do not feel like I am living life, I am just existing. Does the joy come back? I can't seem to stop thinking of my last moments with each of my babies and then all these "if only's" keep popping into my mind. I just feel like I am barely getting through each day and it has been over a year already for my dear beloved "Street" and it will be one year this Feb 9 for my dear beloved "Sunshine" Oh just to hold them both once again. Thanks to anyone who understands.

Carol

Dear Dorothy,

I am so sorry that you did not have as long as you had hoped. My heart is going out to you. I hope it is some small comfort that many people here know and understand the pain that you are now experiencing.

I encourage you to take good gentle care.

Sunstreet

Dorothy,

I am sorry to hear about your beloved Reggie and Aunt Ida. How utterly painful, it is torturous to watch our beloved babies at the end. I still am in disbleief sometimes about the loss of my two beloved cats. I encourage you to take good care. I am happy for you that you have people close to you who understand so you do not feel so alone with this. It is just so hard that sometimes to do the best and kindest thing for our beloved pets we must plunge ourselves into the almost seeemingly unbearable pain. Courage to you all.

Regards, Sunstreet

Just wanting you to know that I am so sorry for the pain that you are feeling. The only hope that I can offer you is that despair eventualy turns into sadness and the days become a little easier. The relationship you shared with your darling "Minky" is yours forever, not even death can take that away.

I encourage you to seek out people that understand and acknowledge your pain and to take good gentle care of yourself.

regards, Sunstreet

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear bloved "Roscoe" I understand the feelings of guilt? The endless questions? My cat "Street" died on September 26, 2003 and he was only 5. He just didn't eat one morning and 4 days later he died. Street showed no signs of ill health that I can recall. I surely think he must have exhibited something and I just did not notice. I feel so much guilt over Street's death and I just can not seem to let it go. At the time Street died, I was also caring for my old cat "Sunshine" who was sick with a heart condition and cancer, as well as my Father having Alzheimer disease. I feel like I was so focused on Sunshine and my Father that I must have neglected my dear Street.

One fact that has helped me is knowing that I loved my Street cat and my Street cat loved me. I am sure that you and Roscoe shared a similar kind of love. A love that only other pet people understand. I don't believe that Street or Roscoe are looking down on us, asking, how come you let us die? They are most definitely looking down on us and crying with us and wanting to comfort us.

All I can suggest is to surround yourself with people that understand the pain you have been thrown into and let yourself cry. Hope it helps to know that there are many of us who know your pain and that you are not alone.

Take good care, Sunstreet

Karla,

I am so so sorry for your loss of your precious Kyra Belle. How very difficult and tragic when anyone of our precious pet soul's die. I too feel some guilt over the death of my beloved "Street" cat, as he was only five when he died. I was so focused on my older beloved cat "Sunshine", who had multiple health issues that took a lot of my time. At the same time dealing with my Father's Alzheimer's disease and wanting to see him as much as possible while he still knew who I was. I feel like I neglected my poor "Street" never even entertaining the idea that he would die, he was only five after all. I keep going over in my mind, what did I miss? I should have known he was not well, why didn't I know?

Karla, we can make ourselves sick, if we grab onto the guilt as a personal friend. Instead I encourage you to feel the guilt, then let it go, it was a tragic accident, no fault of your's, and your beloved Kyra Belle, died next to his Mommy, feeling your warmth, your love. I encourage you to be gentle with yourself.

I applaud you for choosing to only rescue instead of buying. And no, I am one person who knows that your beloved Kyra Belle, was not just a bird, he was your beloved Kyra Belle a precious bird soul.

Take good care,

Sunstreet

You are not alone, I remember when I had take my Sunshine in to be euthanized, I prayed that God should take me to at the same time. I just could not imagine life without my precious Sunshine, after all Street, was already there, now Sunshine, I should be going with them. I sense the enormity of your despair, all I can share with you is my experience. My despair did eventually turn into sadness where I seem to be still.

I am wondering, it is evident to me, the love you have for Aleutia, is it possible perhaps to find some of that love for you. Be gentle with yourself, you have already survived so much. I am sure Aleutia would want you to thrive in life even now. Our love for them can never be taken from us, it is our's and our's alone.

Please try to hang in, and take comfort that you are not alone at all in your sea of pain and grief. Thinking of you.

Sunstreet

Dear Carole in the UK,

Thank you for your post. I am so sorry for the sea of grief that you have been thrown into as a result of the loss of your precious cat soul's. One thing I have found very helpful is that I write to both my beloved cat's each and every night, to tell them about my day, sometimes I write alot, sometimes just a few words. It helps me to still feel connected to them. I know for sure that they both would want me to go on and enjoy life. In honour and memory of them I am trying to do that. I find the death of my Street, particularly difficult as he was just such a mush pot, snuggling into me whenever I sat, always a warm body next to me. Street loved the water and I still have not been able to have a bath since he died, I just shower now.

Carole, I understand your pain, I know it feels like it will never ever end, but I think we all must just trust the process and that time will ease the pain. I think of my pain as waves lapping upon the shore and all waves eventually loose momentum and disappear. Hang in there, remember your beloved Minky abd Teddy, remember everything, mark their passing somehow, for me it was to write a poem for each my babies. Take good care.

Sunstreet

Mamacat,

Thank you for your kind words of support and understanding. It helps and touches me more than you know. I again want to express how sorry I am for your loss and your pain. I guess the best we can do is know that we loved our precisous soul's as best we could and go on from there. Take good care.

Sunstreet

My heart is going out to you and your family. I am so sorry for the absolute pain you are in. I undestand and relate to your total shock and disbelief. My beloved cat "Street" was only 5 when one morning, he did not want to eat, rushed him to my Vet, and for 3 days, my Vet tried heroically to save him. I hope it helps you all in some way to know that I too am going through similar journey of shock, disbelief, denial and absolute pain. One thing that has kept me going, is knowing that both of my beloved cats, would want me to go on and thrive in life and not just survive. I wish courage for you all as you face this enormous loss.

With understanding, Sunshine and Street's Mom

I have been up all night, surfing the net at all the different greif and loss sites. I lost my 5 year old beloved cat "Street" on September 26, 2003, the anniversary of his death has ignited yet even more pain and it feels like I am finding out for the first time. Street was a Manx/Tabby mix and he represented freedom to me. It was such a shock to me when he died, he was only 5, I saw no signs of illness, it was so sudden. Then on February 9, 2004, I had to have my beloved cat "Sunshine" euthanized, she was almost 19. Now I am dealing with my Father's death nearing as he is now in end stage of Alzheimer's. I feel like I am in a river with a strong turbulent current being thrown about just bearly at the surface long enough to gasp for more air. I forgot to say my dear beloved Sunshine was a maine coon. I read some of the posts here and I finally feel I am at a place where people will understand the enormity of my pain.

I am so sorry for everyone's losses and absolute pain. Thank you for taking time to read my post.

Carol