Scotty

I want to start a list of the couples here...I could name many of them but don't want to leave anyone out, so please add your name and the name of the spouse you lost...I want to pray for each of you in this new year.

Kay and George

Erica and Walter

Scott and Kate

Dear Karen, it is us who should be thanking you. You have been such a great inspiration here. When our grief gets us down to the darkest of space, your posts makes us realize that there is hope.

Thank you!

..Scotty

Haven’t posted for a while. Thought I was making some headway with all this but I guess not. Had my daughters high school graduation last week. She lives with her mother about 3 hours away. Should have been such a happy occasion for me but it was all I could do to stay til the end. Kate and I used to live there 10 years ago and it was the happiest time of our lives. Job relocation forced us to move here. First time I had been back that way since Kate passed away. Drove by our old house. Memories flooded in.

I shouldn’t of had to attend this graduation alone.

I had a kitchen remodel started 2 months ago and they just finished yesterday. Had some glass cabinets installed with the intent of displaying Kates’ pottery. Spent the day going through our workshop picking and choosing what pieces to put in there. Most of them are what she considered “rejects” for one reason or another. To me they’re the most beautiful creations on earth. I had no idea how such a simple task would affect me this way.

Next week it will be 6 months and it feels like yesterday. I started seeing a grief counselor last month. No magic answers but I think it helps. At least he doesn’t shy away if I shed a tear. Hopefully it’ll get better soon.

….Scotty

Wendy, so sorry to hear about your mother. Timing for daughters' departure must be tough. You've been a rock around here, know we're all pulling for you. Please keep us informed on how your making out.

Take care

....Scotty

Thank you for the post Kathy. I can take something from those words.

...Scotty

So sory to hear Kay. She's lucky to have a friend in you.

Take care

...Scotty

So sorry to hear Kay. It sure seems some families do get more than their share of pain and suffering.

Take care

....Scotty

Thanks Deborah

This idea of never been the same scares the hell out of me. We were so happy, so many plans for the future. Now, just getting through a day is a chore. Awfully tough going on with out anything to look forward to.

Looking for some peace somewhere and have no idea where to look.

...Scotty

Thanks Kayc, planning on spending some time here this weekend. Least here people understand what we're going through. Spent the week weeding her flower gardens. I'm new to this flower garden thing. Only pulled what I know are weeds, dandelions and grass. Sure I'll have some pretty weeds flowering later . I think the gardens look beautiful again this year but unfortunately, no one around to appreciate them. Such a shame. Kate took so much pride in them. This was always our time of year. Sure not the same doing it alone.

...Scotty

Well, I took a week off work after Kates internment knowing full well I wouldn't be in shape to carry out my responsibilities. Glad I did, still pretty messed up. This feeling of being alone is a killer. So many hopes and plans for the future, all down the tubes now. Going to be another hellish weekend.

....Scotty

Well, I buried Kates' ashes yesterday. Lots of people around, barbecue after and, like the funeral, everbody leaves and goes on with their lives.

Thought I was a few baby steps ahead in this process, but realization hits pretty hard thinking I'm back to where I was 4 months ago.

Started seeing a counciler a couple of weeks ago. Not sure if its helping, but not doing any harm. Hate this feeling.

...Scotty

Hello Joe

So sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. I lost mine 4 months ago to cancer and it feels like yesterday. Its an incredibly hard journey. This is great place to vent, we're all in the same boat here. No magic solutions to be found, but spend some time reading the present and past posts. Sure you'll find a lot of similarities to what your feeling. Friends and family mean well, but without experiencing what your going through, they are sometimes of little help. No need to wait til you spirits improve to post.

Take care

...Scotty

Doesn't sound silly at all Kathy. I've got a lot of firsts coming up myself that are expected and some I'm discovering every day. Regardless if its watching the Steeelers draft or putting up the gazebo in the backyard after the snow goes, if its something we did with our loved ones, it hurts like hell doing it alone.

It took a lot of courage to watch the draft picks knowing the pain it would cause. I tip my hat to you.

Take care

...Scotty

Patti, I guess 4 months isn't that long on this journey, just tired of "just getting by". Hoping some counselling may help. Been keeping myslf awfully busy and beginning to qustion if that is a good thing or am I just avoiding dealing with the grief.

Gail, congrats on the upcoming grand babies. I look forward to the time when I can say I've had a good day. At this point I cant imagine it but yet realize that they will come.

Art, I too wasn't sure about the idea of counselling either, but at this point I'll try anything. Managing this on my own sure isn't cutting it.

I agree that most family and friends mean well, but with out going through it, they are clueless as to what we actually need.(as was I, 4 months ago)Take care

....Scotty

Thanks John

I'll keep an eye out for them. The more information, the better the understanding.

......Scotty

Thanks for the links Marty,

Through work, we have an Employee Assitance Program and I gave them a call this evening. They're going to set me up early in the week with a counselor. I'll see how that goes.

Thanks for the reply Deborah. Your right about friends and family being of little assitance. You can be in a room packed with people and still feel all alone. I thought I could get through this on my own, but I feel like I'm in a large hole clawing my way out and making no progress.

Take care

...Scotty

Feeling real bad again.

Set a date to inter Kates ashes on May 15, now that the snow has finally gone. I managed to go through her vast perrenial gardens and rake out most of the dead stuff from last fall. Crocuses have finished blooming and lots of green things poking through. I have no idea what 98% of them are, could be weeds as far as I know. The lawn I looked after and she had her gardens. Sure wish I would of paid more attention to what she did with them.

Finally got around to placing a phone call to her brother 5hrs. away. I haven't talked to him since the funeral. Told him he could come up and get Kates pottery wheel and kiln any time for his wife. Going to be hard to see it all go. Not real sure why he thought I'd be interested in hearing about all his travel plans this summer with his wife, but so be it.

Going to be 4 months real soon and sure wish I was making some progress with this. Seems I go from bad days to worse. Thinking I may look into seeing a counsellor or therapy. I've tryed doing this alone and it doesnt seem to be working.

I've been back to work for a month now and just barely getting by. I think people think that because I'm back to work, everything is O.K. How I wish that were true.

Take care

I do hope your feeling better Teny. You were missed around here.

Very well said, Wendy. It appears our situation does make other people uncomfortable. Unless you've been through this, its hard for anybody else to really understand or relate to what we're going through. Thats what makes this place so great.

Mariah, you have named most of the feelings and emotions we all feel. Its only been 3 months for me so I cant say if they ever go away, but according to some, it does get easier, or more manageable at least. I'll have to wait and see for that.

Take care

Kim

You've had a tough time of it lately. Some "firsts" to deal with in a short time frame.

Here's to hoping it gets better as time passes.

Teny

So sorry to hear the pain is still so present. Going on 3 months for me and still trying to convince myself that's its still early and will get better. Not very often do I actually believe it though.

We're all here for you.

Take care

Dear Lily

Thank you, so sorry to hear about your rough night.

Your right, crying does seem to help some what, at least temporarily. If only as a emotional release. I've known people in the past who have lost their spouses. Never knew the emotional turmoil they were going through til now, and feel bad for not offering more assistance.

There are days when its really hard to show that outside shell that enables us to function. The old saying of "Misery loves company" isnt quite complete, for it appears the 2nd part of that is "but company doesnt like misery".

I do hope you find some peace and comfort.

Take care

....Scotty

Thanks Lori

Been a little over 2 months for me and guess this one day at a time will be continuing for a while longer.

Take care

..Scotty

Thanks Deborah

The lack of control is a scarey feeling.

A some what better day today so far. Going to be a long journey.

...Scotty

Thanks Suzanne

For one of those nights, thats what we're here for. Don't know why but posting here does help.

Kim, You're a breath of fresh air as always How are the car repairs going?

......Scotty