dcrunner25

I'm having a rough day today. I moved away from my home town in PA when I joined the military and was feeling a little home sick, so I decided to look up some pictures of the creek that we used to play in as kids and other things. Seeing those photos really made me miss my brother. It sucks not being able to talk to him anymore. When you loose your brother or sister, you really do loose a part of your history. I can't tell you how bad I'd love to just sit with him for an hour or two, smoke some cigarettes (even though I quit about 7 years ago), and catch him up on everything that's been going on in my life. I wonder what he would think about the world today. I mean, as far as he's concerned the World Trade Towers are still standing, Arnold Schwarzenegger is just an action movie star, the last war we were in was Desert Storm, and Bill Clinton's still president. I would love to sit with him and update him on the what's happening in the world as well as what's happening in my own life. I wonder how well he would get along with my wife. I bet they would have gotten along. They both share a michevious nature. I would have loved to see him play with my children. They would have loved thier Uncle Matt. He was great with little kids. My little cousins always surrounded him because he was so much fun. I actually miss busting each other's balls about, well, just about anything. I miss that guy so much. It's days like today that I wish I could take off of work early, go home, grab a blanket and curl up in a corner and just cry or sleep, or zone out on some television. But I can't do that. I have to watch my kids for my wife while she cleans the house. I have to pick up dinner on the way home and I can't forget to stop by the grocery store for some milk or my toddler will go thirsty because milk's all he'll drink. Then I have to entertain my children until they go to bed. It'll be 8pm by then and my wife'll want to relax and hang out. Which is actually one of my favorite times of the day. But today I really wish I could just be depressed. Is it healthy to sort of ignore this need? Shouldn't I put family first, always? I mean there are things in life the have to be done. Where do I draw the line and say, OK, that's it, I need some time? I find it hard to demand the time that I need to be depressed. I don't feel like I have a good enough excuse. I mean, my brother did die just about 10 years ago. Should I still be requiring time just to be depressed or should I just suck it up and move on allready? I feel bad for my poor wife who has to chase around children all day as I sit at my desk job. I don't feel that it's right for me to come home and request even more time to myself. I'm at a loss here.

Marty, Thanks for your response. I read over the links you provided and will look into this further.

Okay, looks like I do have more I want to vent about right now. I don't understand how his "friends" could have left him to die! If they would have just picked up the phone and called an ambulance, an EMT could have possibly saved his life. Rather than being a decade into grieving my brother's loss I could be writting about my brother's close call with death! Sometimes I wonder what he would be like as a 34 year old man. Would he have kids by now? Would he have ended up being a strict father or a layed back one? What would his kids have been like? Now don't get me wrong, I don't only find fault with his friends for (according to my suspicisions) leaving him to die. I also fault him for being so stupid as to take such a notoriously leathal drug! Perhaps if I was there (I was often his voice of reason) he would not have taken such a risk. I read on a sibling loss website that one of the things siblings do for eachother in life is make up for the other person's weaknesses. I think this is true. My brother was the charasmatic, social one, and I was the thoughtful voice of reason. We definetly leaned on eachother to make up for our own weaknesses. So when my brother died, so did the charasmatic, social part of my personality. Now, don't get me wrong, I have always been able to maintain my own individual friendships with people. I didn't totally rely on him for that. But when he passed away, I realy withdrew from being social. I used to be more charasmatic and "alive". I used to reach out to people and maintain friendships, but now I can honestly say, I only really have one person I would call a friend. Only one person other than my wife and children who I could say that I have a friendly relationship with. It took me almost 10 years to come to the realization that I allowed a big part of who I was to die with my brother. The hardest thing I find that I'll have to do is to reach out again. It is almost too painful to. I don't know why. I am not the dead one. Perhaps it is guilt. Am I subconscously inhibiting myself from reaching out to people because I know that my brother can't? Is this out of guilt? How the hell do I start to do this again? I really don't want to betray my brother. I'm so afraid of living when he can't. I don't want to leave him behind. He has to rest every day and night under six feet of dirt while I get to smell the faint hint of wood burning in the crisp winter air. I get to come inside and snuggle up next to my wife in a comfortable bed while he slowly decomposes in a casket. It just doesn't seem fair. I both know and hope that one day I'll get through this grief enough to live my life 100%, but before I do that I have a very, very hard journey to make. 10 years later and I'm just learning the first steps that I'll have to take. Plainly, simply, and bluntly, this sucks. Any words of wisdom would help immensly. Thanks.

This December it will be 10 years since my older brother (Matt) passed away. It seems like a long time, but as I'm sure some of you know, it realy is not. My brother passed away December 26, 1998. The last time I saw him was Christmas day. I was in the Navy at the time and was going to be shipping out to Rota, Spain after my holiday leave. My oldest brother made Matt and I hug each other good bye before Matt went back to his apartment because he knew it would be a long time until we saw each other again. Matt and I were always close and usually just made a smart ass comment to eachother or shook hands before parting ways, but this time we ackwardly hugged each other. At the time I was a little annoyed at my oldest brother for making us hug, but now it is something I could never repay him for. Not many people get to actually hug thier loved one goodbye. Matt and I were always very close to eachother. He was the charasmatic, social risk taker, and I was the thoughtful voice of reason. Together we got eachother both into and out of a lot of trouble. We were best friends, and, at times, worst enemies. When I reluctantly hugged him goodbye on Christmas day, I had no idea it would be the last hug. The morning after Christmas I decided to drive back to base. Before going back to base, I planned on meeting some friends at the local mall. My friends and I met and had lunch together and I was going to follow them back to thier house, but the post christmas traffic was crazy and we ended up loosing each other. I actually ended up going in the direction of my brothers apartment, and for a moment, considered just going there and hanging out with him or even just staying over night with him until the post christmas traffic cleared up. After contemplating this, I decided that it would be best if I'd just continue toward base. Sometimes I think to myself that, if I had decided to go to my brother's apartment, he wouldn't have died that night. The night after Christmas my brother decided to have a few friends over to his apartment just to hang out and drink. One of his friends had some heroine and offered it to my brother. Being the risk taker that he was, he snorted some and ended up overdosing and passing away that night. His friends say that they thought he just fell asleep, so they picked him up, layed him on the couch, put a blanket over him and left. My parents and I find it suspicious that an entire group of people would suddenly decide to leave a party all at the same time. At my brother's viewing one of the girls that was at his party that night said that my brother came out of the bathroom upset and said that he didn't feel good. Then he collapsed and they put him on the couch. My parents hired a private investigator who found that the toxicology results from my brother's autopsy suggest that he had so much heroine in his body that he wouldn't have even been able to walk from the bathroom, all the way down the hallway, and into the room where everyone else was. Also, from the photographs of my brother's body lying on the couch, an investigator stated that my brother couldn't have possibly layed down on the couch himself. His body was positioned in such a way that suggested someone else placed him on the couch. I think that his friend's, including the drug dealer friend that gave him the heroine, freaked out when they saw Matt going through an overdose. I think they picked him up off the floor, placed him on the couch, and promptly left. The issue I've been dealing with since my brother died, is that I would like to know the truth. Mysteriously, a few years after my brother died, my parents recied an envelope through the mail with no return postage address. In the envelope was a news paper clipping. The article that was highlighted was about a man who was left to die of an overdose in the same manner that my brother died. This mysterious letter was given to the private investigator. Unfortunetly noone is willing to look further into my brother's case. The local law enforcement just chalked my brother's death up to another twenty something kid that OD'ed on heroine. The frustration is overwhelming. It would be great just to find out for a fact whether our suspicions are right or wrong. There are a lot of other issues I am going through, related to my brother's death. I'll spare you them for now. I plan on posting more when I am moved to. I am sorry that you all are experiencing the loss of a sibling as I am. I wish none of us had to be in this forum right now. Until later.