karener

thank you. i'm having a bad day today, many tears, big tears. i miss her so much and don't know how to get through this. i feel lost and scared and small. nobody has time for me and sometimes i understand that it's hard for others to give of themselves, sometimes i feel angry that everyone seems so selfish that they can't reach out, and sometimes i just pack it all down until it can't be contained anymore... >>> i have a work deadline to meet tomorrow and i'm trying so hard to pull myself together to get back on track, but my fear is always that i won't be able to put my grief aside to fulfill my 'obligations'... why don't the people around me have an inkling of what i'm going through and how my mother's passing deserves my attention in order for me to not be consumed by it? >>> today is going to be hard.

my mom died on 04/27/08, 68 days ago. her name was Darla. she was 64. (i'm 41.) i was (seemingly) supported by so many, but find that as time passes that many have forgotten that this is still a new and difficult experience for me...i've done my best to be as self-sufficient as possible during this whole ordeal, but find that one-by-one, systematically, (almost) each and every person that's claimed to 'be there for me' has gone by the wayside... i feel so alone. i'm an only child and live across the country from the rest of my 'family'. i tend to throw myself into my work and feel abandoned by those around me, particularly by those who were so present when it first happened. so many people told me that it wouldn't get easier and it hasn't, but if they knew that then why haven't they allowed me the room to grieve while still fulfilling my obligations? instead it seems like they've forgotten that every day i wake up and for a split second don't remember that she's gone, then i have to re-learn it and do whatever i have to do to get on with my day...that takes alot of energy and effort... i miss my mom so much and even though i'm supposed to be an adult, this event has left me feeling like a child who has nobody to turn to.... i don't mean to make this all about me because it's not, but this post is and that's all i have right now...[attachmentid=306]