I'd like to Thank everyone who read and replied to my post. I do still, after a year and a half, take it day by day. Most day's I'm able to keep it together, until alone in my bed, but waking with swollen eyes everyday, kind of throws it in my kids face that I still hurt daily. I worry about my youngest children in that I really haven't seen them cry much. I've tried to make their life as normal as possible and give them everything, but I know they must miss their dad. Yes, he was a wonderful father. They are wonderful children, but without their father I know they are missing out on so much, that only a father, their father, can teach them.
My oldest son's do step in and try to fill their dad's shoes, but that sometimes angers me. Why must they play father to their little brothers? There are no answers and life was never said to be fair. I think right now I'm just going through one of those out of the blue phases that I just have to work through. I know that I should be, and I am, proud that we raised such wonderful children who are willing to step in and try to be a father figure, so why does it anger me sometimes? I don't know, maybe because they shouldn't have to feel that responsible, at such a young age.
So you see that is why I always try to be the strong one. It is not for my children to take care of me, but for me to be strong and take care of my children. Gosh, I just answered my own question. But it is nice to be able to open up to everyone here, and I thank you all for the shoulder to cry on.
Lea