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I lost my childhood pet a day after my birthday


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This may seem a bit weird but I have been so heartbroken lately so I wrote a letter to my cat of 13 years who passed away a day after my birthday. It really expresses my feelings and why I feel guilty and so bad. Here is the letter :


To my dearest Cloey, my furball. Where do I begin? I have no words that can describe how badly my heart aches knowing you’re no longer with us. You were my best friend. The one there for me when nobody else was. You always managed to make my worst days the best. You somehow knew when something was wrong and would always try snuggling with me to cheer me up, and it did. Even though you were always there for me, I wasn’t there for you. Almost every day you wanted to snuggle and half the time I pushed you away. I took you for granted. I didn’t snuggle with you most of the time because I didn’t want to be drooled on or have my eyes start burning up and now all I want to do is snuggle with you. But it’s too late. I regret it so much because now looking back, it’s so worth getting drooled on or having my eyes start burning. God do I miss that. I miss you cuddling with me and getting so excited you would drool all over. I never thought the day would come. I magically thought you’d live forever and we’d never have to do anything like this. I remember when I was younger I would always talk to you like you understood me. I remember you once bit me while I was trying to pick you up off the kitchen counter and I remember crying while asking you “ why would you do this” being all dramatic thinking you could understand me. I remember sleeping with my dad in his and moms bedroom because I had peed my pants and my bed was soaked and when I woke up to go to the bathroom, I ended up stepping in a pile of your poop or puke. I don’t remember because I was too freaked out and walked downstairs crying. I also remember when we first got you, you were in terrible condition. You’re previous owner didn’t take care of you. So we nursed you back to heath despite all of the complications you had. It took a while but it was worth it. When we first got you, I remember hiding on the couch scared of you even though you were this small little kitten . And you were scared in the new environment and you were hiding under the recliner chair we had in the living room. You were so stubborn, you refused to come out for hours. I also remember learning from my mom that your mom was hit by a car and passed away. And again, me being the imaginative kid I was, started talking to you and started crying and I just kept saying how sorry I was for you. As the years went on, you grew and so did I. We grew together. Then a time came where we had to move to my grandmas house because we didn’t have anywhere else to go due to getting kicked out of the duplex. My grandma didn’t want any cats so we had to bring you to my other grandmas who had a boarding place for people going on vacation and needed someone to watch and feed there pets. I remember dropping you off and saying goodbye to you and Ollie. I couldn’t stop crying because I didn’t want to leave you guys hours away from me in a scary place where you have to stay in a cage most of the time and not be able to sleep because the dogs would constantly bark and I know how afraid you and Ollie were of dogs. I remember visiting Ollie and you once and a while and each time we all cried because we missed you both so much. Each time we never wanted to leave. A few months later we finally got our own temporary place to stay at and we were finally able to bring you back! I was so excited I remember crying because I was so happy.  Fast forward a few months later we finally got a place to live in again. This time it wasn’t temporary and we didn’t have a date we had to be out by. We moved into these apartments where we are currently still living in. You loved it here. You loved to sit by the sliding doors in the living room. Wether you were laying in the sun for hours or watching the birds fly by, you loved it. And as time went on you found other places you loved to lay. Some of which mom and I weren’t to fond of because you were so fluffy and were full of hair you would get it everywhere. Henceforth your nickname “ Furball”. We weren’t fond of some of the places because we didn’t want hair on certain things like our brand new couch or Athea’s bed because I would put my clean clothes there sometimes and they would get all full of your hair. So we’d scare you off.  You spent your last few years here making the best out of life. One thing I loved about you is your birthday was the day before mine so I never forgot your birthday. I loved so many other things about you. I loved how you’d snuggle me when I was upset, drool because you got so excited to snuggle with someone, the way you would would nudge my arm so you could crawl by me, the way you would give us little neck massages with your paws, how soft you were and so much more. The list is endless. There were also things you did we weren’t happy about. You would always poop outside of your litter box even just steps away from it. I’m not sure if you were just too lazy or if you were getting old. I remember saying horrible things like I hate this stupid cat and god that was not the case. If I could take it back I would. I was just mad at you for doing your business in my room half of the time or eating something in my room. But I shortly forgave you.  I went on through high school dealing with many heartbreaks and like I mentioned earlier, you were always there for me and you helped me work my way through most of high school. How ever, time crept up on us. The past week and a half we noticed you weren’t eating. We were praying it wasn’t anything major. Part of me knew I should have fought harder to have mom take you to the vet but I didn’t. Because I thought you’d be okay and because I never thought in a million years you’d pass away. Your condition quickly worsened and we all got worried. You had your 13th birthday and you couldn’t even eat soft food or anything to celebrate. You only got to be 13 for 2 days. You managed to hang on to see me turn 17 ❤️.The next day was my birthday and we were all so worried but none of us said anything because it was my birthday. As the day went on I kind of forgot about it because nobody mentioned anything about it and I made plans to go hang out with my best friend since it was my birthday and I took that to my advantage since we were supposed to be quarantined. I was so happy when my grandma and parents said yes. So I rushed to my room and packed my bags and left for the night and forgot all about it. The next day when I woke up I got a phone call from my mom. She had been crying and said you weren’t doing so good. I instantly started balling and guilt just rushed over me. Instead of being with you and comforting you on your last night, I was out having a blast forgetting all about you. So I rushed home and we took you to the vet. We were all crying in the car praying it was nothing major and I thought, we’re probably crying for nothing she probably is just constipated or something. After they examined you we were in the car waiting for the call. Moms phone started to ring and we all went dead silent wanting to hear. And then the news we were all praying that wouldn’t happen. You had fluid in your lungs. Most likely caused my cancer or a heart issue. We all just started sobbing. The vet said they could remove the fluid and see what’s causing it but even if they found out there’s nothing they could do about it and could most likely give her a few months but she’d be in pain and it was better to put her down. We didn’t want to see you go through any more pain so we made the most difficult decision we’ve ever had to do. I remember my sister arriving so she could say goodbye and I just hugged her and didn’t let go for a long time. We sat there sobbing into each other’s arms. We finally were allowed to enter the room and you were sitting there in your cage. You looked so tired, your skin was all matted down because you’ve been laying so much because you didn’t want to move. You didn’t want to be touched so you must have been in pain. You were having trouble breathing and it was heartbreaking to watch you go through all of that pain. We all said our goodbyes and told the vet we were ready even though none of us were but we were never going to be ready so we told them we were so you wouldn’t be in any pain. I remember telling you before I turned 17 that it was okay to let go even though you couldn’t understand me and I remember saying it again at the vet before you passed away.I remember then sticking the needle in you and I felt like I was going to pass out. I couldn’t even bare to look . I just stared at the wall crying while my sister was hugging me. Eventually I decided to look and what I saw was heartbreaking .  You’re eyes we’re so big and black and just dead. You’re you fr was dropping out of your mouth and the vet was listening to your heart. After what seemed like forever she said the words that won’t ever leave my mind “ she’s gone, she’s passed”. And I almost collapsed to the floor sobbing. My vision got all blurry and I was seeing spots. I looked at you again and you just looked so lifeless. All of the kindness, curiosity, kindness and all of the life in your pure eyes was gone. I remember sobbing and I could barely even touch you or look at you. I thought you could somehow still feel us touching you and I didn’t wanna cause you pain. I remember kissing you’re head before I left and I said I loved you. We finally walked out of the room and I looked back at you again. You were laying on the table lifeless. That image has haunted me for the past few days and I haven’t gotten much sleep. Here we were walking in with you and now walking out with you. It seemed so wrong to just leave you there. And that image of you won’t leave my head. I pray to god every day that you weren’t in pain or you weren’t scared because you slowly weren’t able to breathe.  I also hope and pray to god for the week we didn’t take you to the vet you weren’t in pain. I feel so guilty and selfish for not mentioning something sooner or spending time with you instead of hanging out with a friend.  I feel guilty for all of the times I pushed you away when all you wanted was to cuddle or for saying I hated you. Part of me wants to have a cat to cuddle with to pretend it’s you or save a cat in honor of you since we saved you but I can’t do that. I don’t want to replace you.  Coming home after the vet I couldn’t stop sobbing and looking at photos and videos of you. I was up all night sobbing and couldn’t stop visioning you laying there lifeless. And sometimes I forgot your not here. I remember before I went to bed I’d go to the bathroom and you’d sneak into my room. When I got back I would turn the lights on to make sure no cats were in there. When you were you usually ran out and I scared you out if you didn’t go. Boy do I regret that so much. Anywho do an hour ago I recently went to the bathroom and when I came back I turned my lights on to look for you. And when I remembered you weren’t here, it was this terrible feeling. I’ve had a lump in my throat these last few days and it feels like my heart is in my stomach. A friend of mine suggested that I read the rainbow poem to help me make peace. But it didn’t help. It made me feel worse because at one point the poem mentions how the furry friends miss there owners. I pray to god your not lonely up there and you’re with your family.  I can’t stop thinking about how you were this sweet pure soul and you didn’t deserve this. You deserved to live another 2-3 good years. I know many people are probably saying she’s just a cat. But you were so much more than that. You were my first pet I’ve ever had and you were my first pet I’ve ever lost. You were my best friend . And now I don’t have anyone to go to when I don’t have anyone. I know that sounds like you were my second choice but that’s not what I mean. I mean you were always there for me despite my mistakes and you never judged me. You were my forever friend. And now I feel so empty and lonely . The day after you passed I was sobbing all day. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t bare the thought of eating because you couldn’t eat for days and you were probably in pain. Why should I have the luxury to eat? And you were gone, what would that make me if I was all fine and dandy , eating like nothing was wrong. The day after wasn’t much better ether. I haven’t been wanting to get out of bed lately . And when I do, all I see is your cage with your bed full of your hair and your water and food dish. I see the box you always sat in, I see the blanket on the couch full of your hair. What breaks my heart the most is seeing Ollies full dish set ( water dish, food dish, and mat to go underneath) and not yours. I started writing this yesterday at around 11:30 PM and here I am the next day around 2:20 AM still writing it. I’m in so much pain. I don’t know if I feel so much pain because I feel so guilty for the times I didn’t snuggle with you and said I hated you or what. I just hope your finally at peace in a better place. Restored to full heath, running around with your family eating all of the treats you want by the rainbow bridge but I hope you aren’t missing me like I miss you because that pain is unimaginably heartbreaking. I hate goodbyes so until next time. So to my forever friend, I love you my sweet furball. I will never forget you. May you Rest In Peace Cloey ❤️


Love always,


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