It Is Going To Be Ok

[firefly]

Hi guys,

It is me again. :-) Hey I've been having a really rough month. That is why I joined. I believe now that I am a little more informed, that I am experiancing delayed grief.

One interesting facite has been the affect on my relationship with my family, and God, and on my usual relationships, activities, and responsibilities.

I couldn't figure out why nothing seemed satisfying emotionally. I have a great husband with the normal flaws, a wonderful best friend, a good job, and a personal relationship with Jesus. I just was feeling depressed, like none of it mattered. And that isn't like me. I can always find a plan of action. I don't let feelings run my life. But this was totally different. It felt like a black hole, nothing was worth doing. of course I went through the motions vigorously, (yet failing becuase I was just stuffing everything) Finally I started to reach out. It is a journey It is not going to get better over night. It isn't a point A to point B line. It is more like a new way of being, a new depth to my life. Another aspect to walk with God through. He is here with me not to take away my pain. But to help me to walk through it. He will hold me when I cry. He will love me when I am weak. It is ok to grieve That sounds stupid I know. But apparently I was not allowing it. I have now listned to those around me. Thank you for being a huge part of that voice, telling me it is ok to grieve deeply, I'm not failing anyone, I'm not giving up, I am simply following a natural healing progression. No everyday isn't going to be a black hole of mourning. But there will be many many hard days. Just because it is two years, ten years, twenty years. I will still grieve the loss of relationship with my dear brother Levi. And that is ok. My husband will still be there for me to listen, And I can risk sharing with others my pain. Even if it doesn't bring instant healing and releif it is still worth sharing.

It was actually extremely difficult for me to open up to my husband. I dont' know why. WE have only been married for two years. Levi died two months after we were married. I think I was just afriad he would think it was weird that I suddenly was breaking down two years later. I didn't want to be told to just move on. Even if he ment well by it. He didn't react that way. He just held me. It felt good to open that door of communication.

now i know that I was feeling so emotionless about all the things I love because I had built up walls of protection around myself so I wouldn't have to feel the pain of missing my brother. obvious sounding , but duh, I wasn't feeling my husbands love, or my heavenly fathers love, both of them there saying here it is going to hurt but I will hold your hand. I am very blessed to have the support I have. But even if I didn't I would still be ok. It is actually going to be ok.

-Anna

ps thank you for being here for me