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Rough Day

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This has been a rough day for me. We went to our cabin up north to get some R&R. Haven't been up for a long time. My mom was only here once after one of her chemo treatments but she was doing well then. I guess it brought up memories of her and the last time my whole family got together for a good reason. I am missing the thought that she will never come here again and starting to realize I won't see her anymore.

Asked my husband to remove her from my cell phone and voice activation because I have found myself starting to call her and I don't want to get the dreaded disconnect sound. I just feel a bit lost today and many of the feelings bring back the same feelings I had when My dad died. This makes me feel a bit guilty because this is the time to focus on my mothers life and not take the focus from her. Silly I know but guilty none the less.

Next week we are going out of town to spread her ashes. All the family will be there and I am thinking it is going to be a very emotional experience. I am both looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time. We have decided to take the entire week off and go on a small road trip. We will be driving down Pacific Coast Highway from around San Francisco. We are planning to visit my Aunt who is dying from Liver cancer in LA and her kids my cousins. Then we will visit my other aunt who is in her 90s and her kids. I think this will probably the last time I see them too. But I think it is the right thing to do and I want to see them. Just concerned that I am biting off more than I can handle emotionally. However, if I don't go see them I don't think I will be happy with a conscience decision not to see them.

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