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I Miss Him So Much

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I was married to Terry from 1992 to 2000 then we got a divorce but remained very good friends. We loved each other very much, but we just butted heads so much, we couldn't live together. I was married once before him, and I was his first and only wife. He waited till he was in his 30's to marry, cause he always said he was waiting for me. We talked almost daily, we both had our problems, but we were always there for each other. He was talking on the phone to a friend in Texas on January 16, 2005 and was not feeling well that day. He had complained of his legs feeling cold and like he was coming down with something. He went to the bathroom to throw up, had the phone still with him, his friend heard him when he threw up, he said, 'Oh My God' and she heard a thump as he fell. He was only 46. I got 'the call' at work from my fellow EMS workers that I needed to come home, that Terry was dead. I do not remember the 32 mile drive, but I drove the speed limit as I knew I couldn't do any good if I were dead too. I hate that word 'dead.' It just seems so permanent. Terry was lying on his back outside the bathroom door and the Paramedics handed me an EKG strip and he was in Asystole. I went over to him and knealed down beside him, reached up and closed his eyes (his pupils were fixed and dilated) and pulled his jacket together....noticing he had it on because I had just sewn a patch of a lab with a duck in it's mouth onto it. I was in such shock. Terry has solid grey hair, and when he passed, it had turned back to brown. I had never seen anything like that before. I am angry at God because he didn't give me a chance to say some 'unsaid' things I needed to say....I am angry with myself because I went right by his house an hour before on my way to work and didn't stop, cause I was running late as usual. Could I have noticed something was wrong and perhaps taken him to the hospital?! We did no autopsy because the only next of kin he has is his 103 year old grandfather that is in a rest home. Terry and I had no kids together, but he love my daughter Lona and Stephen, my grandson so very much. Terry was adopted when he was a 6 weeks young, and his mother was killed in a car accident when he was 9, and his father died 2 years ago. He was in the process of finding out who his biological parents were. It is so hard to cope with the loss of having him in our lives. I keep reaching for the phone to call him. I want him to come back to me, and I just do not know how to deal with this. My heart pure hurts because I miss him so much. I had him cremated and he is in my home, but it's not the same as having him in my life. I am so upset I cannot and do not think I can make it very much longer. It's not fair that he's missing all the beautiful days we have had. Why can't he be here so we can do things together like we used to. Why did God have to take him?! Will I ever see him again?! What if there's not a Heaven?! How will I go on without him?! Please help me to cope. Karen

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