Struggling To Move On

[Sanya]

Hi.. My name is Sanya, I'm 21 years old and live in Upstate, NY. I've recently joined this website because in the beginning of this year, I lost a best friend / boyfriend. His name is Pete and he was only 27yrs old (and had 2 beautiful kids). I met him through work. He lived in Massachusetts, so we only hung out a few times in person. We talked constantly though, every day at work and at home. On the phone and through email. I considered him my best friend. If I needed anything, I could just call him. He had a stroke while driving with his daughter Kayla in the car, and was admitted in ICU for a few days. On March 24th, he was taken off of life support. I may not have known him for very long, or seen him very often, but I have been completely torn apart. We kind of ended on bad terms, not with the words that were spoken... With the words that weren't spoken.

His children are young, Kayla is only 3 years old and Cameron is 5 years old. I was so shocked when I got the first phone call, and when I found out that he wasn't going to make it..... I just fell apart. I became extremely depressed over the course of this year. I've had the same feelings that some of you have wrote about.. I really felt like life was just passing by and I was sitting still. I've cried so hard that I start shaking at times and lose my breath a lot. Sometimes, I feel like there's a knife inside my heart that turns when I think about him. The hardest part is the way that things were left between us. It just hurts so much, if I had only known then there's a million things I would have done differently.

I am the only person to blame though. I lost a good friend Ben 2 years ago in 2007 who was my best friend's boyfriend. He was my friend also for 5 years and he had a fast mustang that he loved. I remember him always saying he wanted to die in his car. He was speeding one night when he went air-born and crashed head on with another car. Ben broke his neck and died instantly. The other person in the car was air-lifted to Albany Med after they spent 45 minutes with the Jaws of Life getting him out. My best friend was at the accident scene that night with his father. My brother pounded down my door to tell me to call her. I spent all night trying to comfort her and crying myself. They had his car mangled all over the news. This year -- while dealing with the loss of Pete -- I've also lost another friend. A co-worker of mine who died on his way home from a get together at my house due to a freak car accident. Matt was ejected from his car. He died October 11th, only 15 days after his 21st birthday. It's been really rough. I spent a lot of time blaming myself for so many things that I've done wrong. These days though, I only try to tell myself... I couldn't have known.

It's been hard to lose my friends. Especially since they're all so young. Pete has been the hardest, because we were very close and I loved him so much. I know how lucky I am for all that I have, and for my life. But sometimes the grief paralyzes me. I haven't seen a counselor and right now, I can't afford one. Lately, I feel like I've been doing a lot better. I used to feel so alone.. My friends told me to seek counseling and my mom was pushing me to take medicine (zoloft). Most times, I just cried and prayed to find strength. I felt empty for the first few months. Totally lost myself. Now I feel like my soul is slowly returning.

I'm sorry this is so long. Just wanted to fill everyone in. I feel like I'm one of the youngest in here, but I would still like to be here for anyone who may need me. You all seem like such great people, and my heart goes out to all of you.

God bless!!

This is Pete with his daughter Kayla,

he was on the phone with me in this picture.

-- R.I.P March 24, 2009

This is my friend Matt -- R.I.P October 11, 2009

This is my friend Ben -- R.I.P April 24, 2007